Haud Diutius Utilis

-Please don't do this- I whispered to him as he walked towards me, not daring to look at his face, his look of a predatory animal, almost imitating that which he once fought against. I felt his warm hand snake around my waist and pull me closer to him. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on something less miserable. No luck. The hair at the back of my neck stood as his hot breath tickled my skin, I could smell the alcohol on him like a vicious poison eating through him.

-Do what, Cas? Don't you love me anymore, baby?- he grinned drunkenly, kissing my neck - Before you used to beg for me to do this to you, don't you remember, how you begged for me to fuck you?-

I looked down at the floor and felt hot tears fall down my cheeks like hot trails of unwanted fire.

-You know I do love you, Dean. But not like this...P-please...stop- I grimaced in pain and fell to the floor as his hand collided with my face, a sign foretelling the horrible night that was to come. I couldn't help but sob. I looked up to his chin, because I didn't want to make eye contact with him, not like this. I saw him sway from side to side slightly, as if he were on a boat.

-shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it- I felt him crouch next to me as he caressed the side of my face that felt burning hot with bruising already.

-What happened to you, Dean?- I whimpered, letting tears fall freely downstream. Stupid question, I know. I knew exactly what had happened to him.

-You know I would never hurt you, baby. Not on purpose...- he trailed off. I could see his eyes watering and I felt so much regret and pity for the man I once loved. The guilt was eating me from the inside and yet again I felt the pain of being a human. Not the physical pain, which way plenty on its own, but the horrible gnawing sensation that this man emitted from my soul. It was my fault that he was like this, after all. Something I hadn't done, something I could've told him...or Sam. Maybe things would be different. Maybe Sam wouldn't have said yes and maybe Dean wouldn't have lost hope on humanity. I owed him this much. I didn't even dare remember what I once was. If the me from five years ago would see the me today he would be repulsed. He would want to end the misery...But I was no longer that angel. I am no longer strong, or important, or worth saving. I am obsolete. At least my life is worth sacrifying. I deserve the punishment anyway. For disobeying... for sinning... for letting things come to this.

So I tried my best to fake a smile, despite the pain on my face.

-I know, baby, I know...- I said, kissing him softly back.

I pray God is happy now with the way things turned out.