All I have is my love of love…
"Soul Love" — David Bowie*.
Prologue: Fifth year.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm not interested."
"I'm sorry!"
"Save your breath"
She was done with it. She was done with him. Lily Evans was sixteen years old and her whole world seemed to be crumbling around her.
Right, she was only sixteen, but suddenly it seemed her mere existence had turned into a moot point. Her relationships and decisions were brought into question and the least anyone cared about was her own opinion on the matter.
But, maybe, she shouldn't act so surprised that her best friend, prodigious Slytherin student, had finally revealed his true feelings towards her. She had been crying all afternoon thinking about how much she had loved Severus and how intentionally blind she had been about who he truly was, what his ambitions were. But she no longer loved him. He no longer was her friend. She looked at him, her face etched with anger and repulsion, his full of regret and pleading.
"I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."
"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just – "
"Slipped out?" There was no pity in Lily's voice. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends –," she looked at him directly in his eyes, but he merely looked away, "you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"
He opened his mouth, ready to deny it but found he couldn't. She didn't understand. Muggles were terrible, they hated magic and forced them all into hiding. Even her own sister was a terrible human being! How many times had she made Lily cried? How he hated her, and his father, too. Of course there were exceptions, like Lily, but if only she could realize he was doing this for her, for them.
He wished he could explain. But the look in her eyes evaporated any courage he had left inside him.
"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."
"No – listen, I didn't mean – "
" – to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"
Lily stared for a few seconds at his face and his troubled expression, trying to figure out the correct words to say to her. However, she didn't care. Turning on her heel, she didn't give spare a last glance for Severus Snape as she ascended through the Fat Lady portrait, even as he looked on, hopeful.
Severus stood there with a blank expression after Lily had disappeared through the portrait, even though a turmoil was taking place inside him.
He could barely stand the pain he suddenly felt in full force. He was losing the only person in his life he truly cared about (besides himself). And then he cursed Lily Evans for making him feel so dreadful.
Just a fucking mudblood.
He cursed himself almost immediately. But he almost couldn't help himself, just remembering her reproachful face.
Why did she resist so much? Couldn't she understand everything he was doing was for her? To protect her!?
"You really should leave," said the Fat Lady in her portrait.
He turned away from her and decidedly walk towards his common room, suddenly blind with anger and grief. How he arrived to the dungeons, he had no idea, but suddenly he found himself sitting in a couch in front of the fire. His hands were cold and numb and his face was wet with tears (when had he cried, he did not remember) and he was certain his legs didn't work. When had they last worked? How had he been able to drag himself here? He couldn't tear his gaze away from the fire, the embers of a red that reminded him so much of Lily's hair. He couldn't stop his mind from racing, he couldn't stop the hurting, and he wondered bitterly how much he had done in vain for Lily.
And truly, he had done so much for her, even if she didn't realize it ("or maybe, decided not to realize it," thought Severus with resentment). It had been him who had introduced her to magic, who had shown her what a truly despicable creature Petunia Evans was. And it had been his shoulder where she had cried every time that cow made her feel bad. And had it not been for him, Mulciber or Avery would have probably sent her to the hospital wing. Because no matter what she said, he was not like them. Of course he was interested in the dark arts, they were the most powerful; the dark arts were going to finally return the magic community to the top, out of hiding, where they belonged… But he didn't believe in hexing every single Gryffindor or Hufflepuff that crossed his way, because a truly powerful person didn't need to brag about his own power. You should only show your true power to anyone that wants you not to be powerful, who wants to put you down or suppress your potential.
"We heard you're not mates with your little mudblood," a voice interrupted him. Severus turned to look at Mulciber who was looking at him with a wry smile.
"Piss off," spat Snape, but Mulciber didn't move.
"Are you ready to commit and show where your loyalties are?"
Severus looked at him curiously and, after several seconds, slowly nodded. With nothing holding him back, he will finally show exactly how much potential he had.
… and love is not loving.
A/N: Hi! Welcome to the prologue of my Jily ff. I do hope this one will turn out to be a good one, so I do appreciate any feedback. Please please, if you read this leave a review!
