Running into Elena

My anger is at an all time high as I leave the apartment. I head out of Escala and onto the sidewalk. I have to get away. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! How could she be so stupid? How could I be fucking stupid enough to allow her to schedule her shot? I should have done that myself! Why would she do this? Has she done this on purpose? But even as that question comes to my mind, I know she would not ever get pregnant without us discussing it first. This brings me back to my own stupidity for not calling Dr. Green myself. I have always been so careful about contraception.

Flynn, I need to talk this out with Flynn. I turn and start walking in the direction of his office. I don't look at anyone as I pass them. I'm not even sure there is anyone on the street other than me. I have to stay focused on the goal of getting to Flynn's office, don't think about anything else right now. Just get to Flynn's office, and he can help me see reason! I doubt that is even a possibility right now. Reason and anger, no fury, do not really go together. Just as I head into Flynn's building, I run into Janet, his receptionist locking up the office.

When she sees me, she looks confused. "Did you have an appointment, Mr. Grey?"

"No, I was just hoping John was still in the office," I respond. I hope I do not sound as furious as I feel, none of this is Janet's fault.

"He normally doesn't leave this early, but he has a parent-teacher meeting this evening." she says by way of explanation.

Fuck, of all of the things he could have left early tonight to do, it had to be a parent thing. I have run out of patience, I turn and stalk out of the building. I can't go home to Ana while I am this angry with her. I would only say mean and hurtful things. But really, how could she forget her shot! I keep coming back to this. She knows I am not ready to be a father and she has her career so she isn't ready to be a mother. We have only known each other for such a short time. We are not ready for this not ready at all.

I start walking, I really wish I had my running clothes on so I could run and push my body to its limits rather than deal with all the emotions that I am feeling. This is why I like control, I know things are getting done correctly. There are no mess ups when I am in control, or at least if there are mess ups there is no one else to blame but myself. But this is out of my control and I am powerless. I hate feeling powerless. This feeling takes me back to being powerless as a child with the crack whore. No, I am not going there!

How did my perfectly ordered life get so far out of control? Yes, I love Ana! She is my whole world and that is another reason that I am not ready for this. I have so many things I want to do with her, places I want to take her and there is no room in those plans for a baby. I want her all to myself. She is my world and I want to be her world.

Control! I need to take control of these feelings, this fury! Control! How long have I been walking, how far from Escala have I come? It is at the moment I realize I am beside Esclava, I see Elena walking toward me. She hasn't seen me yet, but just as I start to turn away our eyes connect.

With surprise, Elena says, "Christian, I am surprised to see you here. Amazed actually!"

I have no idea how to respond, I am just as surprised as she is that I have ended up here.

"Christian, what's wrong? You have that look in your eyes, the one you had as an angry teenager," she boldly says.

I am amazed that she still knows me so well. But Ana would not be happy about me sharing anything about our life with Elena. So I try to brush her off and say that nothing is wrong.

She is too keen of an observer and suggests that we get a drink. I know Ana won't be happy with my decision, but I am still so angry with her that I don't really care what she would want.

Elena and I walk into a bar I know a couple of blocks away. We find a table in the back and Elena sits beside me. A waiter quickly comes over, and I order a Cabernet Sauvignon. Elena tells the waiter to bring the entire bottle.

As the waiter walks away, she looks at me and asks, "What is wrong, Christian? And do not give me any of that bullshit nothing is wrong. I have known you too long and know you too well to believe that."

Before I can answer the waiter returns with two glasses and our bottle of wine. He opens it and pours each of us a glass. As I watch him work, I contemplate how I am going to respond to Elena. I know in my heart that I cannot betray Ana and tell her the truth, it does not matter how angry I am. After the waiter leaves, I look Elena in the eye and even with the memories of our time together and the punishments she would dole out for lying, I know I will not tell her the complete truth.

I take a large drink of my wine, and I say, "Ana and I were discussing having children and I just don't think I will be able to be a good father. But Ana insists that she wants to have them someday. It is just a difficult thing to discuss with her. I decided to take a walk and clear my head." As I look at Elena, I think she believes everything I have just said to her. I pause and drain my glass, waiting for her to respond. But before she can say anything, I grab the bottle and refill my glass and quickly drain it again. I need some liquid courage for this conversation to continue.

"Christian, I do not understand why after all you have achieved that you still have such a negative view of yourself. You have not only built a successful business for yourself, but you have helped start a successful beauty business with me, and what about Elliot and the construction company you helped him start. You are one of the most talented business men in the country, yet you let your self loathing control you. I would have thought by now with all that I taught you, you would have mastered that demon in your life."

While she is talking, I drain my third glass of wine. I don't usually drink this much, but it is finally helping me to get my temper under control and relax a little. When I make no comment, she continues, "I have never seen you fail at anything you have attempted. You have the control to do anything, be anything you put your mind to, and this includes being a father. Although, I am not sure why you would want to clutter your ordered life with children."

As I am finishing our bottle of wine, the water returns and asks if we need anything else. Elena orders us another bottle and seeing that I am not ready to say more, she asks about my parents. I catch her up on all things Grace and Carrick, and as I am talking I see sadness in her eyes. My mom finding out about the nature of our relationship and severing ties with Elena has had a real emotional impact on her. I am not sure that I would have thought that possible. I ask how she and the salon are doing. Surprisingly even with the recession, the salon is doing well. But she reluctantly reveals that some of my mom's friends are no longer speaking to her now, and this has limited social engagements for her.

Trying to steer us away from this topic I ask, "Are you still seeing Isaac?"

"Yes, we still have our arrangement. It is still working well for both of us. He is a good submissive, probably the best since you."

We have finished the second bottle of wine, and this is probably the most drunk I have been in years. And even in this state, her comment about my time as her submissive makes me feel uncomfortable.

"We were great together you know, and we could be even better now," she purrs. As she says this she reaches out to touch me on the chest and for the first time in a very long time, the darkness closes in on me. I pull away quickly from her touch.

"No! I love my wife! I love Ana! She is my world now," I retort. She is shocked by my reaction. The look on her face says it all, but she recovers quickly and laughs it off like it was a joke.

She has realized that she has gone too far, and I want her to know that under no circumstances will I ever cheat on Ana. "Elena, I am not sure why I came here tonight, but it won't happen again. We cannot be friends!"

"Yes, yes, I agree and good luck to you Christian. I truly wish only the best for you." She rises to leave and says sadly, "Goodbye, Christian." Then she walks quickly out of the bar.

As soon as she is gone, I long to head home to Ana. But the reality of what I said and did to Ana crashes down on me. I cannot make myself get up and leave. When the waiter comes by again I order a bourbon. As I sit drinking, I think about Ana asking me how I would feel if it had been my son with Elena. I have a moment of complete clarity and I realize that what Elena had done was wrong and should never have happened. I would never want Junior to be in that position. Yes, Mrs. Grey you were right all along.

After what I think is my fourth bourbon, and I am completely drunk the waiter suggests that I get a cab and head home. I slowly climb in the cab and head back to Escala. As I am in the elevator heading up to the apartment, I am still not ready to share my lovely Mrs. Grey with a child. How am I going to get past this? But the biggest question that I cannot wrap my mind around is how I could possibly be a dad? I know nothing about children. The elevator dings and I stagger into the apartment and I am met by the lovely Mrs. Grey.