Title: Musing

Author: Blackbeltchic Disclaimer: I own nothing! Just leave me alone! There are enough voices in my head screaming at me, you don't have to either!

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She sat on her bed, staring off into space. She couldn't believe he was gone. What she had told him had been true; he had asked her to marry him, and she had done so willingly; he had wanted a family, and she had given him a son, a glorious testament to their love. But she just couldn't sit by and watch him leave her and Wyatt behind. A single tear slid from her eye, down her cheek, and onto one of Leo's shirts that she held in her lap.

Hundreds of miles away, a blond sat in her motel room, doing almost the same thing. She smiled wryly, at her last words to him, and he had been right. She didn't love him. Not in the way she loved another. Maybe, someday, she could have learned to love him, but she just couldn't right now. Not when she was moping after his grandsire. She fiddled with the silver cross around her neck, one of the few things that had survived the destruction of her hometown. If only they had known, she would have had them pack stuff up, but they hadn't, and all of it was gone. She knew he had done something to her emotions, but she couldn't seem to care. She should have been crying her eyes out, sobbing herself silly, yet all that could fall was one single, measly tear that now stained his favorite shirt. It darkened the fabric, making it look like a hole, much smaller than the one in her heart. She rubbed the soft cotton against her cheek, taking in his distinct scent. She was happy for him, bubbling with exuberance., but inside, almost hidden by her good cheer, was the hole he had left in her heart, in her life. She could feel it there, yet she wasn't allowed to express it.

His Grandsire...her first love. Angel. He had come to help, and yet she had turned him away. She had taken the amulet, and given it to Spike, causing his death. She remembered their hungry kiss, and even almost three days later, she could feel the icy touch of his lips on hers. The fire those cold lips had ignited, a fire she had not felt in a long time. She smiled sadly at the memories. The battle was done, and they had won, and now she had time to brood upon her past, and her future.

What happened now? Leo was an Elder, and she was a single parent; forced to raise Wyatt alone. Could she manage? Could she get by, being a single mom, the oldest sister, a bisness woman, owner of a club, super witch? Could she do it all? She knew she wasn't as alone as she felt, Phoebe and Paige would help, she knew, but if still felt as if her life had crumbled at the realization that Leo was never coming back. She'd never wake up in his arms again, never lay in those same arms, just talking or snuggling late at night. He was gone.

She had meant every word she had told Angel. She wasn't ready. Wasn't ready to commit her life to anyone, when she had no clue where it was going. But she had come to realize something. It had come at the realization that Angel still loved her, after all these years, and everything. She still loved him. Even though he had been gone, for so long, the moment he had walked back into the picture, if even for an hour, the pieces all fit. Not perfectly, but they fit better than they had ever before, with anyone else. She needed him. Maybe, someday, all the pieces would fit.

Two thoroughly depressed women sat alone in their rooms, thinking about what had been, what could have been, what should have been, and what could never be.