"Forgive me"

I'm writing this letter as I'm getting ready to leave everything behind: my friends, my family but most importantly my love. Well, I don't think I can call it "love" if you, the guy I love doesn't love me back. Many times I've tried to forget you, to throw away and erase every memory I have of you, of your silver hair, of your usual tabaco and cinnamon scent and of your piercing eyes that make me want to get lost in your stare. Even as I write this I don't seem to be able to get the idea that you don't love me inside my head, my mind keeps getting a hold of this stupid fragment of hope that keeps whispering me to hang on and to give you a chance. Years went by of me just staying quiet, not saying anything that might break our all-ready fragile friendship, always staying a few feet away from you fearing that you might hear my heart skip a beat every time you turned to look at me with your intense eyes.

I guess this feeling started when we were seventeen years old, since Tsuna had gotten himself a girlfriend you didn't spend as much time with him as before which made me smile because I liked being around you. Just walking down the street, you smoking a cigarette and me trying my hardest not to get in the way of the smoke coming out of your mouth mad me extremely happy. It wasn't until I found myself every night having dreams of your lips being all over me instead of that cigarette that I knew I wanted you, yes I came to realize that I wanted you but I still didn't know I loved you; No, the love came a few months later when I first saw you hanging out with that girl, going out to the movies or to get some ice cream, at first I thought-no, I hoped that it wouldn't last, that it would take a couple of days for you to see that that girl wasn't right for you……..but it didn't.

And so I was forced to sit back and watch the man I had come to love put his arm around that girl's shoulders, to blush every time she said something 'cute' about you or when you kissed in public. It was getting harder and harder for me to see you together so I started making up excuses that let me just stay at home looking at the picture I had of you and me in that day where it started to snow and we had snowball fights, me kicking your ass because of my baseball training and you yelling at me for cheating. God, I miss that day, I wish I could go back to that day and tell you how much I love you and how I want to be with you for the rest of my life…..thinking about it that wouldn't be such a good idea since back then you were still pretty harsh and would've probably thrown a dynamite stick at me.

If there is anything I like about your relationship with that woman it's probably the fact that since you started seeing her, you became softer and if possible a little more sensitive. You smiled more, which made me smile more. I have so many mental pictures of you smiling, you have such a beautiful smile it makes me sigh every time I think about it. But still, I can't turn back time and tell you how I feel, it's too late. That is why I've taken the decision of taking off, just disappearing from the face of the earth, I know bottling up my feeling isn't going to help me but I can't help it, the thought of knowing that you will never be mine and only mine breaks my heart beyond repair. I try to convince myself by saying that if you love someone you have to let them go, but I can't let go, it's just too hard! I feel as if letting go of you would just break me.

Tsuna, Kyoko, I wish you two the best, I know there's a baby coming for you and I'm sorry I won't be there to teach him how to play baseball but please know that I'll always think of you two as two of my best friends. You were the only ones that knew how much I loved Hayato, you helped me when it became tough; Tsuna you were always there for me by saying things that made me appreciate what I had and you Kyoko, you were the one that brushed off my tears those nights where the pain was harder than ever, I know what I'm doing is extremely selfish but please try to understand me……..I'm so tired of holding back the tears, specially today, where all hope of me and Hayato being together disappear. Once again, I'm sorry, I hope you can forgive me for doing this.

Ryohei-sempai, I would also like to thank you, you were the one that kept my mind distracted by inviting me to go jog with you or train with you. I know you're probably not going to forgive me and I know that if you ever see me again you'll probably give me the beating of my life for being such a coward. Love id painful sempai, I hope that you'll never have to find out how painful it can be but it is, I can't take it any longer, I admit I'm a coward but I need to do this…….I know it's selfish to ask for this but please try to understand.

Haru, I don't hate you, nor do I want you dead. Today when you walk down the aisle with that white dress you designed yourself and that loveable smile I want you to please try not to hate me either. I just have one thing to ask you………..please take care of him, Hayato loves you. I can tell by the way he looks at you, by the way he puts his arm around you when he sees you shiver. I know I'm ruining your wedding day but I can't hold back anymore. I have to get away as far from you as possible, not because I hate you but because I have to, sorry.

Hayato, I love you, I'd like to at least be able to write that down somewhere that you can read it and I guess that place is this letter. I love you so much it has come to this, to me running away from how intense my feelings for you are. I promise I will never come back since you will probably hate me because of what I'm doing, I love you……..and I hope you can forgive me. Have a happy wedding Hayato.

Well, it's getting too hard to keep writing and its almost time to for me to go to the airport so I guess I'm going to end this now. I love you all and I wish you the best.

I hope you can forgive me

Takeshi

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Well, sorry for it being so short. I wanted to write more but then it would've been a really long goodbye letter.

I suck at writing angst, don't I? I promise that this will be my last angst story unless……………………ten people review this then I'll write a second chapter for this one, a very short one though from Hayato's POV. Well I guess that's all.