Disclamer: Of course I don't own Naruto. Not great enough for that :)


Chapter 1: Akatsuki

" Pass the salt, Sasori Danna!" Deidara yelled across from the table, even though the salt shaker was only inches away.

Sasori looked up from his omelette he had been dishing on, " get it yourself, brat. Your only a hands length away from it," he stated cold, as though he was talking to a door knob.

Both black and white Zetsu sighed in annoyance, before handing the salt to Deidara, " Deidara…" Zetsu trailed off, but figured it would be useless trying to explain it to a nineteen year old, sucidal guy.

" What, un? Honestly, I was just asking for the salt, yeah. The salt," he emphasized, gesturing his hands around it, while Sasori rolled his eyes.

" Itachi," Kisame's voice came from the hall outside the kitchen, "that's the wall, not the kitchen," he deadpanned.

Itachi looked closer as to where he was walking, until he could see rough grey walls in front of him.

" Yes I knew that," he replied back in monotony, and walked forward.

" Then you must also know that your about to walk into Hidan's room and not the kitchen," Kisame said, crossing his arms and giving a toothy grin his way.

Itachi stopped in his tracks an turned back around, " yes, of course I knew that," he stated passively, as Kisame sighed in response and then proceeded to guide the considerably blind man into the kitchen.

" Morning losers," Kisame greeted grabbing what ever seemed edible at the table.

" Hey fish fuck," Hidan piped up, striding into the kitchen. Kisame growled in response, " where's your partner, dead boy," he smirked back.

" Kakuzu, you shit! Get your ass over here!" Hidan yelled, grabbing a seat next to Sasori, who by natural impulse, scooted away.

" Deidara, I swear, break one more wall and I will rip of those arms I attached on you weeks ago," Kakuzu fumed, stalling in moments after Hidan. He didn't sit down, but simply leaned against the counter top.

" What! It's my latest master piece, yeah!" Deidara protested in response.

" I don't think blowing up the lounge bathroom a master piece," white Zetsu explained, looking at Deidara.

" You blew up the fucking bathroom?" Hidan said quizzically, raising a brow at Deidara.

" Yeah, un," Deidara began happily, " it was so beautiful when it blew up, the water coming out of the toilet, burnt toilet paper a-"

" Okay we get it psyche! You like fucking blowing up people's number 2's and shit," Hidan cut in abruptly, while the others nodded in response and agreement.

" What! I never sai-"

" Shut up brat, your voice is hardly tolerable," Sasori said smoothly, stopping Deidara once again. He pouted childishly and crossed his arms over his chest.

" What was that, like the 10th wall this week," Kisame brought up casually, pouring himself some coffee and handing Itachi a cup as well.

" You know how much that's gonna cost us," Kakuzu rambled on, pacing up and down the length of the kitchen.

" Fucking lot of money," Hidan replied back broodingly, playing with the cutlery knife in his hand.

" Well don't act like I'm the only one here, yeah!" Deidara snarled back, standing up, " Itachi blew up 6 of those wall with his stupid eyes and Tobi used two for his wack-a-mole jutsu, yeah!" He ended, sitting back down and presuming to card birds into the table.

Everyone snycronizingly turned to look at Itachi for answers. He looked up from his plate of food, "they were in my way."

" There's something called a door, a fucking door, you shitting blind bat," Hidan spoke slowly, as if he were talking to a 3 year old.

" Use it or bruise it, yeah" Deidara added, shrugging, sipping his coffee. Far too mature to drink juice, yeah.

" Hn," Itachi spoke, making Kisame rub his temples and groan in irritance, but didn't say anything.

"Speaking of Tobi, where is he?" Deidara suddenly said.

" Where ever the fuck he is, he better fucking stay there," Hidan snorted back, in bemusement, while everyone nodded in agreement.

Pein and Konan, calmly walked into the room and seated themselves at the table, Pein of course, sitting at the very front and Konan on his right side and for some awkward reason, Sasori had shifted to his left. They were usually the first one's in, but today was an off day.

Not that his presence often made a difference, even though he was the was pleasing to see them get along so well in the morning. At least one morning in his life time, he would be able to greet them properly.

He cleared his throat and began to speak, " good morning eve-"

" Stop touching my leg, brat," Sasori glared up at the younger man, who stared at him in confusion.

" What the hell, Danna, I didn't touch you!" Deidara defended, retaliating.

" Yeah, and even if he did, you wouldn't be able to feel it," black Zetsu said as a matter of factly, when Sasori turned his glare at him, but black Zetsu simply smirked back and white Zetsu babbled apologetically.

" I said, good mornin-"

" Fuck, Kakuzu! My neck fucking feels like it's going to break any minute," Hidan whined, gazing up at Kakuzu, who sighed indignantly.

" Shut up, and i'll fix it later…I've got more important things to do right like calculating the total cost of damage…it shouldn't be that much though…it'll still cost 3 weeks worth of food, retards," he snapped, eyeing Itachi and Diedara, who whistled and looked away. Kakuzu turned on his heals and fled the scene.

" Yeah, I'm leaving…I must tend to the gardens an- and fuck those flowers senseless," black Zetsu finished, watching Sasori choke on his omelette and Hidan and Deidara looked up at him with this pure disgust. He followed out the door, everyone watching him in silence.

"Is that even humanly possible?" Sasori questioned incredulously, right after Zetsu left.

" Probably not, but then again, since when is Zetsu considered a human," Kisame pointed out casually, picking up Samehada and rounding out the door, like Zetsu.

" Wait Kisame, you forgot me," Itachi beckoned out to Kisame's disappearing figure. He suddenly reappeared in the kitchen, grabbed Itachi by the collar and hauled him out.

" You have my thanks," the rest of the group heard Itachi mutter, as the two disappeared out of the kitchen.

Hidan made a tch noise towards the doorway, " Ah, fucking shit, it's time to make sacrifices," Hidan muttered, getting up form the chair and stretching his hands, making his already muscled chest, appear more well toned.

" Public displays of nudity not appreciated, yeah," Deidara noted, eyeing Hidan's chest.

" This is a kitchen, Hidan not a strip club," Sasori added, tossing the rest of his omelette in the trash; it had been through so much this morning, Sasori believed it wouldn't survive the journey in his stomach. A real body needed to be fed, no matter how unreal the emotions maybe.

"Don't be fucking jealous, though I can see why," Hidan smirked, picking up his scythe and walking out the room.

"He needs to get a hell of a reality check, yeah."

" He needs to get clothes and a life."

No sooner than stated, Deidara left to blow up some more wal- I mean, create gorgeous pieces of art, that are ever lasting. Sasori followed shortly, mumbling something about fixing Hiruko, and shuffled off.

Pein opened his eyes, breathing calmly to see that all the members were gone, with the exception of Konan, who never left his side, with the exception of the time spent in the bathroom. She was sitting by his side, sipping tea while staring at the fork in front of her. So enthralling.

" Why do I even bother," Pein sighed, asking no one in particular.

" Tobi."

Pein turned to Konan raising a questioning brow, "hmm, what was that?" He asked melancholy.

" I said, Tobi still has to come," Konan spoke with more vigour. When Pein understood what she was saying his face seemingly resembled an 'O' and he quickly stood up.

" Tobi? Then what are we still standing here for. Lock my office inside out and hide the stash of oreo cookies in the kitchen."

Konan nodded, and disappeared to her tasks, which were barely qualified to be called tasks if your part of a very wanted criminal organization. Hiding cookies should definetly not be one of your main priorities.

Pein sighed hurrying along the base halls, " Tobi…" he trailed off. Reaching his office, he locked the door and the base was suddenly very quiet. Too quiet.

" Sempai! Leader-san! Mina! Where is everyone!"

Ahh, there we go, Pein thought to himself. No Akatsuki morning was complete without Tobi. It just didn't cut. Unfortunately, for Tobi, everybody was all aware of his antics and had either gone out of the base or hidden some where in it, presumably the bathroom, which was the most finable place in the base.

Just an average morning in the Akatsuki household.


Well, that's the first chapter and probably plenty more where that came from. Do Review, you have my thanks~ :)