Yesteryear
I stood there wishing that I had the courage to go to him, but the truth was I couldn't. Even going to speak to him gave a possibility of setting him back in his recovery, so I had to stand back and pretend that the girl getting married wasn't my best friends' little sister, and that I didn't know her, all because her brother, and my ex boyfriend had no memory what so ever of me.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be the two up there exchanging wedding vows; promising to love one another until our dying breath, but it wasn't, and how could I tell Alice no on the church when Edward and I weren't going to be using it. The truth was, even though I wanted to tell her to find her own damn church and her own damn date, I couldn't do it, she was my friend, and the only one in her family that still talked to me like I hadn't lost the most important thing in my life, even though I had.
Edward and I had been childhood sweethearts. We had met in second grade when Mike, a boy that was older than all of us started picking on me and pulling my hair. Edward had come to my rescue, and we were inseparable ever since. Well, until the night of the accident. I still didn't understand how someone could get amnesia to the point that they remember everything about their life except their girlfriend.
I wasn't home when the accident happened. I had gotten the opportunity to go intern at a renowned publishing house for a semester, and he had told me to take it. Alice had called me when I had tried reaching him for three days and told me what had happened. Edward had been driving on the road heading to their parents' house for Sunday dinner when he lost control of his car and wrapped it around a tree. He was asleep for two days, but when he woke up; he remembered everything that had happened in the accident, his childhood, high school, everything but me.
I had come back from Chicago to see him that weekend, but his mother and father didn't think that it was a good idea for me to go into his room. They felt that there was a good chance that I would upset him when I tried to tell him who I was. I had argued with them that I had every right to see him, but they outright refused. Of course I didn't pay attention to what they had to say. I waited until they were gone and then snuck into his hospital room.
He was pretty banged up, but otherwise he looked like his normal self. I couldn't help the soft sob that escaped my lips when I saw him, and though he was sleeping, I think that it might have woken him up. His eyes had fluttered but stayed closed. I walked up to his bedside and lightly brushed his unruly hair off of his forehead, then brought my hand back to his cheek.
The last time I had been in a hospital, it was when my mother died. I was eleven, and Edward had stood by my side while I said my goodbyes to her. I knew as that memory crossed my mind, that Edward and I would never be the same. In that moment, I had turned back into my eleven year old former self, and just started talking.
"Edward, it's me, Bella. Your parents told me that you don't remember me, so I'm going to make this brief. Please, if you can hear me, don't open your eyes, it will just make it that much harder." The tears were pouring out of my eyes, and though I tried desperately to hold them in I couldn't. "You've rescued me from bullies, from fear, from the pain of my own mother's death, and you did it never asking me for something in return. You've been my every hope, every dream, my every inspiration, and the first time you need me, I'm not there. I'm so sorry sweetheart! I should have been here, and not in Chicago. I'm sorry that I can't make you remember me, and I'm sorry that we'll never do the things that we dreamed of. I just want you to know, I'm not going to be like those girls in the movies that force themselves on the victim, trying to make them remember, I'm going to leave you alone. I love you enough to believe that if we are truly meant to be, that you will find your way back to me. I don't want you to think that I'm giving up, because my heart will never give up on you, but this is something that you are going to have to do on your own. Please don't ever forget that I love you." I said as I leaned down to kiss him goodbye.
So now, here I was, home for Alice's wedding, pretending like I was a member of the groom's family, and sitting all the way in the back of the church. There was a part of me wanting to just leave before I'm spotted by her family. The other part wanted to stay and see him one last time. You see, after my goodbye to Edward, I had went back to Chicago, and decided to stay. It had been four years, six months, eight days, and too many hours that I had gone without seeing his face or hearing his voice, and today was the six month mark of me not crying myself to sleep over him. Sure the pain was still there, possibly just as bad as the day I left, but I had survived this long, so as long as he didn't speak, I should be able to survive this time.
I watched the ceremony and stood when the preacher pronounced them husband and wife. The moment they were clear out the door, I stood, and made my way out of the church to wish them my best, and then it was off to my dad's. Alice saw my approach and couldn't help the smile that came on her face. "Bella! You came!" she cried.
"I told you I would. Jasper, it's nice to see that you finally made an honest woman out of her."
"Bella, you are absolutely beautiful. I swear you never age."
"Thanks Jasper, since you seem to age rather rapidly." I replied laughing.
"Are you staying for the reception?" Alice asked me.
I couldn't stop my eyes from watering, but at least I didn't cry. "I don't think that is a good idea Alice. You know your brother is going to be there. I may be strong when it comes to being the bigger person, but believe me when I tell you, if I have to stay in a room with him, I'll be a total mess. I'm just going to head over to dads."
Alice looked at me for a moment as if she wanted to say something then decided better of it. "Your dad should be watching the game today." She commented.
"Yeah, but I'm only here until tomorrow night so I thought that I would cook him dinner and maybe pack up what's left of my stuff in the room. Dad says the memory of me has been haunting the house and freaking out his house guest, or something. I don't know, ever since he retired he's been a bit crazy. I keep asking him if he wants to move in with me, but you know dad." Just then I realized that I was holding up a line and Edward was coming this way. "Hey Alice, your brother at nine o'clock, call me later and I'll fill you in, okay?" I said as I stepped back and started walking away.
"Will do!" she called back, and as I thought that I was out of the woods, I heard Jasper say.
"Hey Bella! You still have one hell of an ass!" and that was when the shit hit the fan. I hear Carlisle and Esme Cullen yell my name, and instead of turning around I run to my car and dash out of there.
Being at dads was comforting to say the least; at least there was one place in which I still was happy, even with my memories of Edward here. I was in the kitchen when I heard the door open. Dad had been out fishing when I got into town, so I hadn't seen him yet. "Hey dad, I'm in the kitchen!" I called out, my nose in one of my mother's cookbooks.
I didn't get a response, which for Dad was unusual. Putting a marker on the page I was reading, I left the book on the table and exited the kitchen. The sight that was in my living room shocked me. There standing in the living room with my father was Edward Cullen. I couldn't help but think to myself that my own parent's house wasn't safe. I walked back out to the kitchen wrote a note to my father telling him that I was going to go for a walk and then left out the back door.
The tears were pouring down my face by the time I reached the woods, and the sobs were raking through my body as I passed the boulder that I used to sit on and write as a child. Was this horrible pain never going to get better? It was like God had this running joke on how many times he could make me break down and lose it.
I don't know how long I walked, but I finally stopped at an old abandoned cabin. When I was a child, Edward and I had found it accidentally, and though we tried to find it again, we were never successful, so I felt pretty confident that I would at least be alone for awhile here.
The Cabin was beautiful, and though I knew it was the same cabin from my childhood, it seemed as if it were well taken care of and maintained. Wild flowers grew all around the place giving it a homey feel, and though it made me sad to think that it was something Edward and I would never have, it was nice to know that someone would be lucky enough to have it.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I walked over to the door and knocked. There was no answer, so I looked inside. Nothing seemed too different, so I tried the door and was amazed that it was unlocked. I knew I shouldn't have gone in, but I couldn't help it. In some way I felt like Snow White going into the seven dwarfs' house, but the sense of belonging there trumped my normal overly righteous self and I started looking around.
The three room cabin was clean and tidy, just like I remembered it, and as I walked room to room I couldn't shake the feeling that I was supposed to be here, at this moment in time. For once everything felt right, and it hadn't felt that way since saying goodbye to Edward four years ago.
In the living area, I noticed a little desk that hadn't been there before which had some paper and writing utensils on it. It had been a long time, but I suddenly felt the urge to write. I sat there at that desk thinking of all the pains my life had brought and began to write.
I wrote of when I had met Edward, our adventures of childhood, falling in love with one another, and how one single event changed both of our lives forever. The truth of what was on paper made me laugh and cry, but when I was finished, I knew that I was finally able to move on. I don't know how long I sat there writing, or what time it was when I was finished, but I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to find my way back to my father's house in the dark. The best bet I had was to go out on first light in the morning. I tidied up the desk, leaving my writing sitting in the center, and made my way into the third room where a bed was waiting. I lifted the covers and climbed in, and for the first time in four years, I didn't dream of anything except happy memories from a childhood long forgotten.
I don't know what it was that woke me, be it the chill in the air or something else, but the fact was that I was now wide awake. Knowing that lying in this bed was going to be out of the question, I threw the blankets off of me, and got my feet dressed. I knew it was still dark out, but I figured that if I was up I might as well get my writing taken care of, and the cabin tidied up for the owner.
Walking out of the bedroom I noticed that the living room was too dark to make out anything but shadows, I was lucky if I could see my hand a foot away from my eyes.
The room was silent, just like the darkness that plagued it, but something told me that I was not alone in the cabin, that someone was here. Sure enough as I began to walk towards the door that entered into the kitchen, I felt it. Their arm shot out and grabbed a hold of mine. As I was about to scream, a hand came and covered my mouth. "Who are you and what are you doing in my house?"
I would have known that voice anywhere, and though the fear left my body momentarily, it instantly came back. I wasn't supposed to be here, well around him, and yet fate had brought us together again, just in the most unlikely circumstances. At first I didn't know if I could say anything, but I also knew that I didn't know this Edward; he wasn't the boy from my childhood that I loved so much any longer, now her was a stranger to me, and I to him.
He released my mouth but held me to him. "Are you going to tell me who the hell you are, and what the fuck you are doing in my house?"
I couldn't make my lips move, but I was able to nod my head to him, and I knew he felt it. After getting my heart rate slowed down, and my breathing under control, I took a deep breath. "My name is Isabella Fields, and I got lost in the woods." I said softly. "I stumbled upon this cabin and when no one answered, though I knew it was wrong I entered anyway. I'm sorry for coming in here and if you would just be so kind as to let me stay until first light, I promise to be out of here right at that moment."
"Isabella Fields, you said?" I couldn't tell if he believed the lie or not, but if it got me so that the cops weren't called and he found out my real name all was good.
"Yes, now can I ask who you are?"
It took him a moment to answer, I was guessing that he was unsure if he wanted me to know who he was, but then he relaxed slightly and said. "Edward."
Relief filled my soul with the knowledge that he at least trusted me enough with his name. Maybe he could trust me enough to let go of my body as well. "Edward," I said slowly. "Would you be willing to let me go so that I can sit down?"
Without a single hesitation he released me, and I stumbled over to the chair and sat. Edward made his way to the light switch and flipped it up bringing soft light into the house. I looked at him then, knowing that these next couple of hours would be our last, and was amazed at the changes to him.
He was still breathtakingly beautiful, with black ruffled hair, and eyes the color of the sea, and the way he was looking at me told me that he was staring into my soul. I couldn't keep looking at him for fear that he would figure out who I really was, but his next words confirmed that he knew who I was.
"So now that I've shown some good faith and released you, do you mind paying me the same courtesy and stop lying to me?"
With a heavy sigh and a sad heart I nodded. Keeping my eyes lowered towards my feet I said softly. "I'm Isabella Swan, John Swan's daughter."
"I saw you run off today when I came by with your father. Why did you do that? He told me that he hasn't seen you in nearly five years."
"I live and work in Chicago. My work is my life, and I came home for a wedding. Your sister Alice and I were friends years ago, and she invited me to the wedding. I didn't think it would be right not to show up on this day for her." I stated simply, but it was like he knew there was more to it.
"If that were the case, then why did you rush off when my parents called your name at the wedding, and the fact that you didn't even show up to her reception?"
He had me there, but luckily I had a viable excuse for my absence. "I leave to go back to Chicago tomorrow night, and I wanted to spend a little time with my father."
"That doesn't explain why you ran when you saw me there with him."
"Can you stop with the third degree already, god you're not my mother." I said getting irritated at him for asking too many questions. He was tempting fate and I wasn't interested in being the one to open Pandora's Box.
"I would if I didn't think you were hiding something." He stated simply.
"And what is it that you think I could be hiding?" I asked him staring at him like he held all the answers, even though if the truth were to be told, I was the one with them all. "I told you who I am, why I was at your sister's wedding, what could I possibly be hiding from you?"
He looked me dead in the eyes and without missing a beat said softly. "The fact that I don't know who you are, but you have haunted my dreams for over four years."
I gasped at the information. It wasn't every day that a person got an opportunity like this, and though I desperately wanted to tell him who I was and what he meant to me, I knew that would be selfish. I didn't want him to remember me through dreams; I wanted him to remember me in his life, through our memories of each other, things that he would never be able to understand. No, I wouldn't take the chance of telling him, knowing that there was a possibility of it all blowing up in my face. I would take the safe route, the route that would protect his mind and safe my heart from breaking all over again.
"I don't know what it is you think I'm not telling you, but the truth is I have only seen you once, other than tonight, I left Alice's wedding because though she is a good friend of mine, seeing her today reminded me that we are no longer alike in any regard, and as for at my fathers place, I don't play well with others."
"So this has nothing to do with the fact that I have been told that you and I used to date when we were kids?" Edward asked staring me straight in the eye, knowing that I would be unable to turn away from him.
"If we dated, don't you think you would remember that?" I asked softly.
Edward stood then and walked over to the desk. I watched him for a moment until I realized that he was picking up the pages I had written. He calmly walked back over to me and sat down never taking his eyes off them. "I'm going to read something to you, and I just want you to sit there and listen. Can you do that?"
"Do I have any other choice?" I stated sadly.
"No, really you don't. I don't have a way out of here till the morning, and I'm not going to let you leave until there is enough light that you can at least find your way back to your father's." He looked at me again and sighed. "Maybe this," he stated holding up the pages, "will help us both." And with that, the longest night of my life began with Edward Cullen reading the words of our life story.
