Shameless Indulgence.
The title says it all, this is my shameless indulgence into certain things, namely beating on Hook in this case.
Please feel free to leave prompts and so forth, I will try and update this daily for December at least.
And fair warning, I am taking everything when it comes to logic and cannon and throwing it out the window. These are meant to be fun little snippets, not well developed masterpieces, meaning bunnies might talk, Henry might sing Sesame Street, or Charming/David might dress as a clown. It's really all about just what I was feeling that day. Or whatever prompt I chose to do.
It also means that this might be rated anything from K to T in content that day. Today I'd say is K+ or low T. I'll try and give fair warning.
Banana Peel.
Backstory: Rumple has a book of joke curses.
He was a little known fact, after all compared to mages like Merlin or Rumpelstiltskin, who cares about Jeko Dunn Koobrs, the jokester mage.
Not to say he wasn't powerful, in his own way at least, it's just, when all of your spells and curses involve practical jokes, some form of humor, or something silly happening, nobody really finds you useful. Causing someone to fall down stairs isn't the most effective trap one can imagine, or a spell to make a pie fly at a person's face after its done baking in an oven only goes over so well, and it a waste of perfectly good pie.
But he stood by his work, and the fact that people always came to his door wet after one of his water lilies, his took their name a little more literally then other flowers, had got them as they walked by, life was good enough for him without fame of fortune.
That is until the day Rumpelstiltskin came to his door, wet and angary.
However, very surprisingly, Jeko did survive this encounter mostly unscathed. When the Dark One demanded to know what the hell was the flower growing in front of the gate, Jeko explained, shakily, about his creation and how amusing a plant they were, trying to show him the humor in his garden.
And he did, the Dark One himself actually found the spells Jeko showed him rather amusing, instantly seeing how they could be used on certain pests in his life. And offered to let Jeko live in exchange for a copy.
The man agreed.
And for the next month both Cora and Blue could not figure out why their wardrobes had swapped.
"Maledictioenim velut sapientum fixa folliculis calceamenta tua labatur." Very loosely translated it means "A curse that as if they were banana peels, your shoes shall slide." A perfect for what he wanted to do.
All Gold had to do was enchant a banana peel with a bit of hooks hair, and find someplace safe to keep it, and then, until the banana peel rotted so that there was no more yellow, Hook would find standing for more than a minute quite a challenge.
"The secret to being a good pirate, lad, is not just one thing." Hook said while he was sitting at Granny's, talking with Henry. "You must be able to have a nose for treasure, an eye for weakness, be able to feel the air around you and find the fastest winds. And that is just when it comes to the ship, you have to have other skills as well, a vast knowledge of trade routes, a sixth sense for the real versus the very good forgery, and when you fight, on the open ocean, where the ground is as fluid and changing as the ocean. "He then jumped up, and looked like he was holding a sword for a fight. "And that's why you must be agile, and move like a cat…" But then as Hook took his first step he lost his footing and fell, smacking his face against the table before falling back against the ground.
"If that's fluid and agile, I think you should stick with solid and firm Henry." Leroy said from his seat at the bar. And several patrons were covering their mouths, trying not to laugh at the severely dazed pirate.
"Don't lessen to them lad, even the best man occasionally loses his footing on even the most even ground." Hook said, slowly trying to get up. "I once knew a man who feel three times, even twisted his ankle from slowly turning in place on a hills path, poor man couldn't face the crew for a weeeee…" But as he was trying to turn himself to face Henry after just getting up off the floor, Hook once again fell.
This time he flew backwards, his legs going high into the air, smacking the back of his head on a bar stool before his legs slammed to the ground with a resounding thud.
"I wonder how long it will be before he can face his crew again." Sneasy said.
"GRANNY!" Hook yelled. "Did you wax these floors recently?" He said trying again to get up, but fell again before he was half way up, landing face first on the floor. "Or clean them in the last decade?"
Hook's lack of control and coordination continued throughout the day. He tripped over himself and fell into people, cars, lampposts, fences, flowerbeds, and once or twice oncoming traffic. He fell down the stairs, he somehow fell up the stairs, and he fell and pulled down 5 rows of book shelves. He went and played pool at the rabbit hole, but his lack of good footing caused him to lose $350.
Eventually he decided to pay a visit to the only man who could have done this to him, the crocodile. "Gold, what…" But he then tripped over the welcome mat, landing elbows first. "Ahh."
"My, my, my, captain, I must say you don't look good, like you got hit by a truck and then were mistaken for a piñata." And he wasn't just taunting the pirate, the man did look awful.
"Yes, I can only assume this is your doing."
"Mine?" Gold said looking shocked. "And just what have I done?"
"You've made it so that every few steps I take it's like I'm sliding on ice."
Gold just smirked; the loophole was just sitting there. "Hook, really. First of all, I can honestly tell you that while there are spells to make ice, there is yet to be one made that would cause you to slip like you were on it with each step. And even if I was behind it, don't you think I'd be a little more lethal in my methods?"
"Falling into the path of a minivan is pretty lethal I hear."
"Be that as it may, I would want something a little more sure fire to take care of you. But regardless, I have note cast a spell on you that would cause you to slide like you are on ice."
Hook just glared at him for a moment, but then gave up and left when he saw there was nothing more to be done. He fell twice trying to get to the door, and three more times going down the street.
"On spell that makes you slip like you're on a banana peel cast on a banana peel however, that has been made and I would cast." Gold said before turning around to go into his back room. There was a spell he had been working on ever sense Henry had introduced him to YouTube and Tim Hawkins. "Child birth is the most painful thing a person can endure, a close second is stepping on a Lego." Gold said to himself as he tried to get it to work.
"Maledictus es inter vos sentio amo ambulant paulo coloris cuneos marginibus acuto." Loosely meaning. "You are cursed to feel like you walk on little colored blocks with sharp edges."
Unfortunately it wasn't working as well as he hoped. But maybe next week it would.
Hook ended up in the hospital, after going down three flights of stairs faster than prescribed and missing almost all of the forth completely. He had seven broken ribs, his color bone was broken in three places, his left arm was basically gravel, he dislocated every joint in his right leg and broke his left knee while he ruptured his achilles tendon.
Doctor Whale prescribed him almost a years' worth of surgeries and physical therapy before he could even begin to move his arm, and six months of surgeries and physical before they would let him even be in a wheel chair with the legs down.
"My, my, that dose look painful." Gold said, appearing next to Hook who jolted upon seeing him. "Honestly, a fake letter from Emma and you went running. Or, I guess it was more stumbling wasn't it, ah well, minor details." Gold then poked his side, causing Hook to make a painful noise. "Yep, that hurts doesn't it? Now the real question is, do I turn off your pain killers of not?" Gold then flicked his wrists and suddenly pain Hook was sure was literally exploding from every cell in his body, but luckily after a moment it stopped. The worst part was he couldn't even scream for help, his vocal cords were too damaged.
"No screaming, that dose take the fun out of it all doesn't it." Gold said smiling. Hook glared at him. "Oh, I know that look, that look says 'why me, what have I done?' Well we all know what you did and have done for so long. This is just the particular moment I've decided to make you suffer for it."
I know this has plot holes a plenty, that's why this is a Shameless Indulgence, I am ignoring the rules of writing that would make this better in order to quickly produce something that, while bad, might bring some people enjoyment.
Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey case in point.
So please, read, review, and if you want, leave a prompt or two.
P.S. I know I'm being snarky, but my beta told me the day before it aired that she is a diehard RumBelle fan and will go down with that ship. Sorry to have to tell you this Grace5231973 (even so I will be a little smug) but it seems as if that ship has been very much shot down.
I for one am saying thank heavens; it finally sunk after a year of taking on water. And while I might get a lot of flak for this, I do believe that Belle is the main reason this happened.
