Author's Notes

Beware! This fic is rated T for a reason! It also contains spoilers for FE6 since it takes place after the game is finished.

In the flashbacks I'll be referring to a few characters that appear and a few events that occur in FE7. I shouldn't have to provide details about them, but I thought I should mention it anyway. Most of the comedy in this fic comes from the flashbacks too, so it won't be very funny until you get to that point in the story.

This story is a sequel for my fic "You Really Like Me?" but you don't need to read the fic to understand this one. If you get a chance to read it, though, please do, even though it's one of my oldest fics.


Parents' Secrets

It's the end of the war... Zephiel has been defeated, Idoun has been transported to Arcadia to recover...

...and Lalum is clinging onto Roy from sheer happiness. He's just proposed to her days ago, and they're returning to Pherae to prepare for the wedding.

However, Roy doesn't know if his father will approve of his choice of mate. Anyone who would just meet Lalum for the first time would assume she's a "loose" woman, who has to "conduct business deals under the sheets" to make money. He knows that Lalum has never done anything of the sort before; in fact, the only intimacies the two of them have shared are a few kisses here and there.

It doesn't mean the stigma of being a dancer doesn't stick.

"Everything will be fine!" Lalum says, hoping to cheer up her worried fiancé. "I've never met a person that hasn't learned to like me. And your parents sound like really nice people!"

"Yes, they are," Roy agrees. "My parents are a bit... conservative. I agree with their morals, and we've both followed them, but I'm afraid they're going to think I paid you to marry me."

Lalum chuckles at this. "You know, I'm still waiting for that gold, by the way."

"You'll get it eventually!" He laughs with her. She always knows how to cheer him up.


Once they all reach the castle, they're greeted by Roy's father, Eliwood, outside of the gate. Eliwood and Roy haven't seen each other in a very long time, and a hug is all but expected between the two of them, especially since Eliwood didn't expect them to be home. "My son," he greets Roy, "Oh how I've missed you. It's been too long, but I'm happy that everything worked out okay. And everyone else survived too! And Marcus," he notes now, releasing Roy from his hug to shake his principal retainer's hand, "thank you for taking care of my son."

"Well met," the old knight's voice booms. Despite his age, his voice still carries much authority. "I barely needed to do anything. Everyone else did all the work. I just did a bit of advising."

Everyone shares in their customary greetings, and eventually, Eliwood lays his eyes on Lalum, the only new face in the group. "And who is this lady who's joining us today?"

"My name is Lalum!" she answers, and she eagerly shakes Eliwood's hand. He seems to like her politeness. "It's nice to meet you!"

"I'm Eliwood, Roy's father. What brings you here to Pherae?"

A pause. "Well..."

Out of nowhere, she jumps into Roy's unsuspecting arms, and barely catches her! This is almost exactly like the time when Roy first confessed his feelings to her. "I'm your son's fiancé! We're getting married!"

"And no, he didn't even pay for her to marry him!" Roy's best friend Wolt comments. His joke is seemingly taken the wrong way by Eliwood, though, due to his unimpressed face. "Or did he?"

"He's joking..." Roy sighs, still holding Lalum. She then leans closer into him, always happy whenever she is in his arms.

However, whether she notices or not, she always seems to maneuver her chest so that it's right in Roy's face.

Oh my... now is a bad time for me to be staring at those...


As Roy, Lalum, Eliwood, and Marcus enter the throne room, the atmosphere is a bit strange. Eliwood hasn't said anything, Lalum is still holding onto Roy, Roy is awkwardly keeping quiet, and Marcus is just going about his normal business. Roy isn't sure what to expect...

...especially since he hasn't seen his mother in a long time either.

And who knows how she'll react?

"Hmm? She doesn't seem to be here."

That's right. Where would she go? She has queenly duties, but at this time of day they're most likely taken care of.

"I guess my wife isn't here at the moment. Roy, I am so happy to see you again... but I need to finish lots of paperwork still," Eliwood comments sadly. "Hopefully I'll get to hear about your journey tomorrow, especially since we're having guests over..."

Eliwood turns over to his son's fiancé. "And Lalum... it's good to meet you."

He walks into his room now, with an uncertain look on his face. It's unsettling. "I feel bad saying this, but... he doesn't like you," Roy figures out. It's sad, but it's true. "Did you see how uncomfortable he looked?"

"Yes... I did notice... but give it time!" She then gives him a big smile. "Everything will be okay!"

Roy is always amazed at how Lalum always looks at things in such an optimistic way. That's one of the things about her that he really appreciates: her positive attitude.

"I sure hope so."


It's night-time now, and despite her confidence in how things will turn out, Lalum is having a hard time falling asleep. She's used to sleeping with other girls in tents, as that's what she's been doing the whole time she's been in Roy's army. It's not the fact that she's alone that's keeping her up, though.

I can't sleep! I know this guest bedroom is very nice, but something appears to be nagging at my mind. Maybe if I take a walk, I'll feel better!

Wow! This hallway is pretty! I'm sure it took a lot of planning to design! There's a statue on this side, and...

"Oof!"

"Whoa! Sorry about that!" she apologizes, though she doesn't know who she's apologizing to. It's hard to see now since Lalum's candle burnt out. "I didn't notice you!"

"It's no trouble at all..."

What a soothing voice. I could listen to that voice for a few minutes and just curl up to sleep! Well, at least I would LIKE to go to sleep...

"I guess I've just been thinking," Lalum admits, shrugging her shoulders.

"About what?"

Apparently, the mystery woman's voice is so soothing that Lalum has no problem talking to her about what happened when she arrived at Pherae and met her fiancé's father. "He doesn't like me, especially since it seems like him and his wife are very... old-fashioned. I'm a dancer, and he looked so uncomfortable with me, like he's worried I'm just marrying Roy because he's a prince. I put up a brave face for Roy, but the look his father gave me... it hurt me a lot..."

The woman doesn't respond for a moment, almost like she's pondering over the actions and reasoning behind Eliwood's behaviour. "You can be honest..." the voice then reassures her. "Are you marrying Roy because of his lineage?"

"Of course not!" Lalum replies, almost offended that someone would imply such a thing. "Roy is one of the nicest people I know. I'd marry him even if was living off the streets. His father... and whoever his mother is, trained him so well. He never treated me as someone lower than him. I was always his equal. I love Roy very much, and I want to prove to his parents that I'm good enough for him."

"You sound so genuine... I wish I was as confident a lady as you are," the mystery woman compliments, lightly giggling. Lalum appreciates the comment very much. "You know... I'm Roy's mother's retainer."

"Really?" Lalum asks curiously.

"Yes," she replies. "In fact, I fought with my liege and... her husband in the previous war. I have some stories... that will put your mind at ease. Would you like to hear them?"

Lalum hesitates. "Are you... allowed to tell me?"

"Take it from me..." the woman responds, "I think you have a right to know..."

After a few seconds of thought, Lalum nods determinedly. "Alright, go ahead. But before we start, can you tell me your name?"

Unbeknownst to Lalum due to the darkness of the room, the woman gives her a warm smile.

"Why, certainly. My name is..."

Little does Lalum know that she isn't talking to Roy's mother's retainer...

...but to his mother herself.

"...Ninian."


Flashback 1:

"Sain, where are you taking me?"

"My dear Eliwood, I'm simply giving you a present for being such a good person!" Sain answers, as cheery as he can be. He's leading Eliwood to the lake in the hopes of providing his friend a view he will never forget. "And please don't take off the blindfold until I say so!"

"I've got a bad feeling about this..."

Eventually, they arrive at their destination, and Sain strategically plants the two of them behind a large bush that is easy to see through, but only through their side; from the other side, all you can see is foliage.

It's the absolutely perfect spot for peeping.

"Okay, you can take your blindfold off now."

Eliwood doesn't react at first, and then he hesitantly starts removing his blindfold to find out what Sain has in store for him. "I hear some splashing, are we near water? I'm not sure what I'll find that's so..."

He stops mid-sentence, once he notices that he's staring at his girlfriend bathing in the lake.

"Ta-da! Look! I brought you to your girlfriend!" Sain comments triumphantly, very proud of his handiwork. Eliwood's face, meanwhile, is turning a shade of red that's darker than Kent's suit of armor. "Aren't you excited?"

"Sain! I shouldn't be watching this!" Eliwood cries, trying to turn away but finding himself unable to do so. "I need to respect my girlfriend's privacy, not destroy it!"

"Not that she's able to hear you; she's too far away for that; but she would obviously be flattered that you would take the time out of your busy schedule to keep an eye on her!"

Conceding to the fact that Sain has just uttered the most illogical logic ever to be spoken, Eliwood now just shakes his head. "People bathe alone for a reason, Sain."

"Just answer me this," Sain now says, completely ignoring Eliwood's comment, "Are you enjoying what you're watching?"

Eliwood can't believe Sain just asked that question. "Of... of course I am!" he stammers, trying to collect his thoughts as he continues to watch Ninian. "I love Ninian. If I could, I would spend every moment of my life watching her, whether she was clothed or not."

An audible gasp is then heard coming from the lake, but the two peepers don't hear it. "Well, okay then. Appreciate your woman's body just this once then! As a dancer, her body must obviously be quite toned. When you're married, you're going to see her beauteous form all the time, but this is different! Take your time! Enjoy it!"

"But..."

"But nothing! Just be a good boy and stare at your nude girlfriend!"

No amount of arguing will convince Sain to change his mind on the matter. "Besides, Pherae prince... aren't you at all curious about your girlfriend's... gems?"

Eliwood wisely doesn't comment. But the answer is obvious anyway.

"Well... here's your chance! She's turned toward you now, with her gems in full view! Take it all in! I'll leave you here and come back in about 10 minutes!"

Sain then leaves, knowing his plan has worked; Eliwood is not following him to leave. He's still watching.

"I sure hope he won't be too upset when he finds out Ninian can hear everything we were saying..."

Chuckling to himself, Sain exits the vicinity, leaving a guilty yet strangely content Eliwood by himself behind the bush. Ninian, meanwhile, has heard everything that her boyfriend and Sain were talking about, like Sain suspected. While she's obviously upset at her boyfriend's lewd attitude in continuing to watch her even though she's in a compromising position, she can't find it in herself to cover up her body.

It's not every day that your boyfriend admits that he loves her and wishes he could look at her during every spare moment of his life.

"Well..." she murmurs to herself, "I suppose that just this once... I'll let him indulge..."


"You mean... Eliwood watched her bathe the whole time?"

"The whole time," Ninian admits, her face a bright red crimson, but the room is still dark, so Lalum thankfully doesn't notice. During the story, Ninian referred to herself as 'Tahia' so Lalum wouldn't figure out the truth. "I just happened to be nearby... I'm not sure why I didn't stop him, but it doesn't really matter now, does it?"

Lalum just tilts her head a little bit.

"Now," Ninian continues, "here's a story from much earlier in the relationship..."


Flashback 2:

"I never thanked you... for saving me... and I won't take no for an answer this time..."

Eliwood sighs in defeat. He doesn't want to force Ninian to do anything, but she can be persistent on occasion. Plus, he can tell that she genuinely wishes to do something for him, so he decides to give in. "Okay then," he complies, smiling at the thought. He decides to pick something easy for her, though. "If that's what you want, I suppose... I can ask if you could show me a special dance?"

Ninian mentally relaxes. She wasn't sure what she could give to Lord Eliwood, but as a dancer, dancing is obviously her speciality. Surely she can come up with something for her savior. "I can do that for you... how about we meet again in a few days?"

They discuss details for a few more minutes, and when they separate, no sooner than one second passes until Ninian is intercepted by Sain, the resident flirter of the army. "My dear Ninian, with hair as graceful as ice-tipped grass, I have eavesdropped on your conversation and figured out exactly what sort of dance you should perform for Lord Eliwood!"

"What... what sort of dance would that be?" Ninian squeaks, surprised by Sain's actions and statements, but also intrigued at what his idea for Eliwood could be.

"Why, I'll show you!"

Sain pulls out a bent and crumpled book from his satchel and starts flipping through its pages. Ninian notices that the book is entitled 'Play-Knight', issue 4. She's never heard of such a series before, but notes that there must be multiple versions, due to their being more than one issue. "I used to read these all the time until I met my wildflower, Rebecca, but I always keep one or two on hand in case of emergencies like this!"

He eventually finds the page he's looking for, and he shows it to Ninian, who shrieks when she first sees what's on the page. After a few moments, she let's herself peek one eye open, and then the other, to analyze what's on the page. The title reads 'Special Dances for Your Man, Lesson 3: Lap Dancing', and under the title is a picture that is definitely not suitable for minors. The man in the picture looks really happy, though.

"You can wear more clothing than this dame is, but the idea is the same," Sain explains matter-of-factly. Ninian is unsure if Sain is being serious about this or not. "For added effect, you can even tie Eliwood to the chair!"

"Why... why would I perform a dance as... erotic as this?" Ninian squeaks as she silently reads the article in her head.

Sain somehow keeps a straight face as he asks Ninian this question:

"Do you want to give something to your Lord Eliwood that no one else can?"


"And she DID?"

"Yes, dear Tahia somehow fell for Sain's... bizarre reasoning and goes through with the plan," Ninian explains, still wondering to herself what kind of mental state she was in to listen to Sain that day. "Sain had said to me later, 'Ninian, you keep watch nearby on the day of Tahia's performance, just in case enemies approach or a bear ambushes the blooming couple!"

Lalum doesn't try to hide the blush on her cheeks, since neither person can see each other enough to notice. "...how did Eliwood enjoy it?"

"...he loved it."

Ninian dreamily recalls the goofy grin and embarrassed looks of guilt that Eliwood constantly switched between during that particular dance. She remembers herself how humiliated she felt while performing it for the first time, but her now-husband's reaction was worth it. She decides to keep this treasured memory to herself. "Apparently, this special dance is Tahia's annual anniversary gift for Eliwood. And he still enjoys it as much as he did the first time."

"That's... something that I never want to hear again," Lalum confesses, chuckling to herself at the same time. "That must be it, then. There can't be anything else to say now..."

Ninian remains silent.


Flashback 3:

"Okay everyone! I'm pairing you all off for this observation mission. We must learn more about the Black Fang! Eliwood and Ninian, you take this side of the fortress..."

The tactician is assigning specific members of the army to do reconnaissance on a Black Fang fortress to attempt to figure out the next part of the organization's important plan. There isn't any fighting expected, so he wasn't too concerned about who to send out; he can even send a dancer who cannot participate in normal combat. In fact, although Ninian's understandably worried about being involved in a task like this, she's excited as well.

Especially since she'll be with her boyfriend the whole time.

"I feel like... a spy!" Ninian giggles, and Eliwood can't help but smile at his girlfriend's enthusiasm. Generally, she's a lot more cautious concerning anything dangerous, but she seems genuinely enthusiastic about this particular assignment. "Are you ready?"

"With you, I'm always ready!" Eliwood replies, and the two of them report to the tactician to get further details. After their debriefing, just before they set out to their assigned location, Sain interrupts their exit and asks to speak with Eliwood alone for a few minutes. Once they are out of Ninian's earshot, Sain begins his well-prepared speech...

"My Lord Eliwood! I must impart my vast knowledge of 'survival with your lover' before you venture away from us!" Sain starts off, and Eliwood already knows that this conversation is going to take a horrible turn. "There is a bout of rain coming to this area, it seems! So you know what you must do if you are stuck in torrential waters and with no other way to heat yourselves up, right?"

Eliwood sighs in relief. This isn't going as bad as he expected. "Yes, I'm aware that we would have to conserve body heat by tightly holding onto each other. I'm not a simpleton," he laughs, but clearly this was the response Sain was expecting, for he doesn't bat an eye at Eliwood's logical statement. "I'm sure a cuddle would be a nice change, actually."

"Sometimes, that is not enough!" Sain insinuates, raising his finger and waving it in a 'no, no' fashion. "If you're feeling the unfavourable symptoms of hypothermia, you have to get your body warmed up in a flash! And there's only one way to do that!"

Eliwood, ever the chaste one, isn't entirely sure about what Sain is suggesting, and his somewhat confused expression gives this away quite easily. Sain, however, is more than happy to elaborate. "Unsure of what I'm talking about? Well, you know that every sword has its scabbard, right?"

Like Eliwood said, he isn't a simpleton. He gets the point of Sain's illustration very quickly, and blushes heavily because of it. Instead of engaging him, however, Eliwood uncharacteristically storms off and quite hurriedly takes Ninian and the two of them leave together to start their assignment. As they get farther and farther away from the camp, the storm clouds get darker and darker.

Sain rubs his palms together evilly, with a wicked grin on his face.


Probably a half an hour after starting their journey, the rain begins to pour, and Eliwood and Ninian are forced to try and seek refuge under a tree after failing to find their way back to camp. The two of them attempt to huddle and warm up, but the rain doesn't stop, so the two of them are slowly getting colder and colder. Though Ninian is an ice dragon, she's weak to the elements in her human form, and she can't transform for fear of possible consequences.

Over an hour passes after the downpour begins, and Ninian is beginning to shake in Eliwood's arms, the cold affecting her faster due to her smaller constitution. The rain still continues, and Ninian's condition is only deteriorating.

If Ninian doesn't warm up soon, she very well could die.

Eliwood is seriously considering Sain's suggestion at this point if it means Ninian will be okay, even if it does go against what his parents taught him as a noble.

"Ninian... my dear," Eliwood begins hesitantly, "are... are you willing to do anything at this point for... the two of us to survive? Even if you've never done such a thing before... or could be uncomfortable with it?"

Even considering the circumstances, Eliwood still wishes to ask for his love's permission before doing something that she may not want to do.

"Lord... Eliwood..." Ninian faintly whispers, her eyes lifting up slowly to look at her lover's eyes, "I'll... I'll do anything, if... if it would mean..."

She closes her eyes in contentment, with a weak smile on her face. "...that I can continue to be with you... for even... a second longer..."

Eliwood thinks about it for a moment, and he nods in determination.

He knows what he has to do.


The rain has stopped long before the two lovers do, and when they are finished their deed, they lay as one, holding each other with their eyes closed. Sain was right; they've warmed up considerably now, and are completely dried off. In fact, it's so hot that the two of them are laying unclothed in the wet grass in an attempt to cool down. Eliwood owes his life to Sain for his unconventional advice.

He takes back every nice thing he's ever thought about Sain, however, when he and Ninian eventually wake up to find Sain hovering over them, sporting the goofiest grin on his face that you will ever see.

"So..." Sain asks nonchalantly, "how was it?"


"And that's how Roy was born..."

"Oh. My. Goodness."

"I know... I could hardly believe it myself when Tahia told me this story the next day..." Ninian fibs, and her cheeks are burning once again from the embarrassment of her stories. "But, it was necessary..."

"So... what you're saying is..." Lalum suggests, slowly putting the pieces together in her head, "my future mother and father in-law... are putting up a facade of being pure but in reality are really, really lewd?"

Ninian's voice cracks at the thought. "That's... that's a little... extreme..."

"No it isn't!" Lalum challenges, and her normal enthusiasm is coming back after having it submerged under other emotions for the last while. "I doubt Roy and I would have reacted in such ways if we were goaded into doing those sorts of questionable activities. Even though I know the creepy priest that was travelling with us has some similarities to this Sain person..."

"What I'm just saying is..." Ninian starts, attempting somewhat to change the subject, "is to not let Lord Eliwood's apparent dislike of you get you down... he just wants to protect Roy, and to not make the same mistakes he and... er, Tahia made. Lord Eliwood's wife was, and still is, a dancer... and while it worked out for him... there are many tales and stories of times when dancers and those living in meager means took advantage of those with kind souls and deep pockets..."

Lalum does understand. She knows of some other dancers (who used to be her friends) that have done the exact thing that Eliwood is afraid of; taken advantage of compassionate nobles and left without a trace... with the noble's full coin purse.

Needless to say, those despicable people are no longer her friends.

"I hope you can empathize with how Lord Eliwood feels..."

Lalum nods to Ninian in understanding, for she does get it, and then, out of nowhere, she hugs Ninian tight, who in turn gasps in surprise. "Uh..."

"I do understand... thank you so much for making me feel better," Lalum explains, snuggling into the older woman's shoulder tenderly. A warm smile is brightening her face. "I appreciate the fact that Roy has such a concerned father, and a nurturing mother who understands me and cares so much about my feelings and well-being."

Ninian's face turns red again. Lalum seems to have figured out the truth. "How did you... know?"

"I figured it out quite quickly, actually," Lalum clarifies proudly. "No retainer could explain such stories with the amount of detail as someone who was actually there. Plus, your voice... Roy sounds so much like you. That's probably why I felt so soothed when you first bumped into me."

Ninian is understandably embarrassed that Lalum figured out that Tahia was indeed a made-up individual, but at the same time, she doesn't need to put on the act anymore. Even if Lalum hadn't put the puzzle together, it would have been awkward to explain later on. "So..." Lalum says now, "I can call you mother, right?"

Ninian nods happily. "Of course you can."

"Well, mother..." Lalum starts, a mischievous grin forming on her face, "who do you think is going to be more surprised tomorrow? Your husband, for finding out you told me your darkest secrets, or Roy, for finding out that his parents aren't as chaste as he thought they were?"

Ninian simply shakes her head. Tomorrow is certainly going to be very interesting...

...especially since herself and Eliwood coincidentally invited Sain and his wife over for a long overdue meal at the castle...

THE END


Author's Notes

I was supposed to be writing my next A Glimmer of Hope chapter, but because of writer's block, I wrote this instead: a sequel to one of my oldest fics, "You Really Like Me?" Years ago, I had a poll that asked which fic I should write a sequel for, and it contained three FE7 stories, two FE13 stories, and You Really Like Me?, which was the only representative for FE6. (and the only representative for a FE game that wasn't 7 or 13 for that matter) If I did the poll again now, after writing so many more fics, I'd add some other stories to the list, and maybe remove a few others. I'm tempted to run the poll again; please comment about this if you review the fic! Don't guest review, please!

This is a bit of an unrealistic fic, I understand that. I guarantee that Eliwood and Ninian would never do any of the stuff mentioned in the fic, but I thought it was a funny premise. Tahia is an Arabic name meaning "dance".

And yes, I know Ninian should not be alive at this point in time. DEAL WITH IT. :p We need more fics where Ninian isn't destroyed because of canon. She should live on to see her son's accomplishments and continue living with her first love. I purposely made the summary not refer to her being alive so as not to give it away until she revealed her name to Lalum. I hope people were surprised when they got to that part of the fic!

Even though Ninian herself said she is not a confident woman, I wanted to convey that she's grown into a more outspoken person than she originally was. I (hopefully) accomplished this by making her use a lot less "..." in her speech during the present timeline. I also wanted to convey Eliwood and Ninian as much more lovely dovey than it's interpreted in-game. I've destroyed canon by having Ninian live this long anyway, (and not going anywhere anytime soon) so why not have the two actually be boyfriend and girlfriend during the war against Nergal? I think it makes for a fluffier portrayal of the couple, which is almost always a good thing!

Here's some random tidbits for you guys! 1) Marcus' comment about not doing anything is based on the fact that you shouldn't use him at all in-game in FE6, unless you're playing Hard mode, or he'll simply EXP steal. 2) Wolt's comment and laid-back attitude is based on how I portray him in AGOH. 3) I originally wanted to extend the lap-dance flashback or at least add more detail, but I was worried about making it so dirty that I'd have to rate it M. Don't want to do that!

It seems like this fic has now taken the title for the longest one-shot I've ever written, even after just breaking that record with my LeannexSoren fic, Communication. When I was three-quarters done writing this story, I considered breaking this into multiple chapters, but I knew that would just slow things down, so I kept it as one big fic.

Hopefully at this point I can get the next AGOH chapter written now!