Okay, so I like men. Is that such a big deal? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one at school. Then again, I might be the only one who doesn't try to hide that little detail. Well, I don't go screaming it to the world and explode in a big gush of rainbows and sparkles. Haha, no. I wear normal clothes, just like every other normal guy, and I don't explode. I just happen to look a lot better.
Lately it's been getting worse, what with prom coming up and all. Everyone is just dying to see 'what other faggot' I'll be bringing with me to this social gathering. Which doesn't make sense, seeing as how I'm constantly being told 'only someone desperate as fuck would want to date me.' I don't know. These kids make no sense whatsoever. Why don't I just not go? Heh, if only it was that easy. If I'm not getting picked on for one thing, I'm getting picked on for the other. Why can't they just leave me alone, for crying out loud?
My own parents don't help out very much, either. They think I have a brain disorder or that I'm defective or something. I left a while ago and am currently staying at my Uncle Cloud's house with his wife, Tifa. They don't think I'm fucked up. Their best friends are a happily married gay couple. My parents think they kidnapped me. Apparently I'm being held against my will and brainwashed into being gay. Yeah, that's definitely what's happening.
I feel safe here, and safe isn't good for me, apparently; the calming smell of fresh mint, coffee, and sometimes an overlying scent of strawberries if Aerith comes over. The whole house is like, the picture perfect home. The only thing out of place is Cloud's collection of swords, but I've always loved helping him clean them. He also teaches me how to use them sometimes, and that's always fun.
"Hey faggot, how're you doing?" Xemnas, the biggest asshole in my grade, asks as he snaps me out of my thoughts. He takes a seat on the edge of my desk, sitting right on my algebra homework. Great, and I was almost done, too. For some reason, Xemnas has made it his goal in life to make my life an absolute hell.
I look up to him and smirk, twiddling my pencil in between my fingers. "I'm thoroughly annoyed right now, thanks for asking, Mansex. Tell me, how does it feel being the biggest dick in our grade? Proud no one's beat you?" His eye twitches as I call him that amazing nickname I discovered after ten minutes of being bored in English. In class, I take the opportunity to say whatever I want. He calls me names, so why can't I call him names back?
"You bitch! What did you just say to me?" he hops off my desk, clenching his fists in anger as his friends, Seifer and Saix, laugh at the nickname. I also find it funny how the rest of the class completely disregards this whole thing.
I simply rest my left cheek on the heel of my hand, turning my attention back to my crumpled math homework. "You heard what I said. I don't think your ears are busted."
He looks like he is about to say something else, but the teacher finally notices that he's out of his seat. God, was she blind, or what? You know, I've done the obvious. I've gone to teachers and counselors about my being bullied. They do nothing. They even make a big deal about it with posters and assemblies and shit, saying they'll be suspended and blah, blah, blah. But when it legit happens, no one cares. I don't understand how that works.
At the end of class, I work slowly to put all my stuff back in my bag. I know Xemnas is waiting for me, so why give him more time to poke fun at me? There was only one other kid in the classroom by the time I was ready to head out – Axel.
Okay, listen to this; this guy was God. I kid you not, he could legit do everything. He took as many classes as possible, managed to get A's in all of them, had a perfect attendance record, played basketball, and had a part-time job. I was in half of his classes, and I could barely maintain a C. He also had this fiery red hair that fell past his shoulders that always, no matter what he was doing, managed to stay perfect. There were also tattoos on his face. Of course, the teachers didn't care about that, either. And yet, when I come into school with piercings along both my ears, I got scolded. What the actual fuck, man.
He turns around, saluting me and saying he'll see me later. The fuck? Since when did he know me? I send him an awkward smile and he chuckles and leaves the classroom. Well, okay then. Moving on with life. I pick up my bag and sling it over my shoulder, fast walking out of the room and down the hall as fast as I can. There is only a minute or so left before the bell rings, so Xemnas is probably already at his next class. Thankfully, my next class is right down the hall and I make it with seconds to spare.
Being a gay at my school, there are a few rules you have to follow if you want to keep your life. One: don't go in the bathroom. Ever. Two: don't look at the jocks no matter what. Three: don't bring attention to yourself. That means: don't talk to anyone unless you have to and don't smile for anything. Not even for a text from a friend from another school who's trying to cheer you up. Also: never wander the halls during lunch or in the middle of class.
Speaking of lunch, that's where I am currently heading. Usually, I would spend lunch with the librarian or my art teacher, but they both had meetings today. Meaning I was fucked. So today, I decided to sit outside under the tree farthest from the building with a baggie of carrots, a juice box, a brownie, and a book. Hopefully, Xemnas will be too busy trying to shove carrots up his nose or something to come and find little old me.
But then again, Xemnas always has time for me. Boy, do I feel special.
"Hey faggot! What'cha got there?" He smirks, leaning down and taking my brownie. I hope he is allergic to peanuts.
"A book. You know, the thing made of paper with words printed on it. Those heavy things you have issues with. Do you know what I'm talking about, or do I need to break it down some more?" Damn, I was good. His friends snickered again, but Xemnas just got pissed and ripped the book from my hand, chucking it far away. Dammit, I was at the best part, too.
Xemnas fisted my jacket and picked me up, only to slam my back into the tree. "What was that, smart ass?" He snarled. I actually debated about kissing him, just to fuck with him. But then again, who the hell would want to touch that? Certainly not me.
I let out a deep, bored sigh, rolling my eyes just for the hell of it. "Alright, if I must repeat myself, seeing as how you don't even know what a book is. How did you even make it to high school, Mansex? Also, you could seriously use a mint or something." Oh, this was too easy. Xemnas was absolutely furious and I had to stop myself from breaking out in a laughing fit.
"I'll make you regret those words," He growled, his disgusting breath filling my nostrils. I mean really, what was he going to do? Stink me to death? Nope, even better. He grips my jacket tighter, slamming me even harder back into the tree, sending my head snapping back against it. Ow. Xemnas summoned his lackeys and together, they got a tight grip on my arms and hauled me up. Xemnas got in my face again and grabbed my chin, making me look into his violent gold eyes. "I don't know who you think you are – talking to me like that… but I'll be sure to show you your place, faggot."
Damn, did he even know how much of a douche he was being? Apparently not. Well, I decided it was time for him to learn. I shake my head out of his grasp before returning my gaze back to his and then I spit in it. Legit, I hocked up a loogie and spat it in his face. He backs up in disgust as I stomp on Seifer's foot before elbowing Saix in the gut. They both let go of me and I take this opportunity to make a run for it. Lunch is just about over, so if I could just get back in the building and to my class, then I'll be home free.
But, then again. Life hates the shit out of me.
Someone, Seifer I think, tackles me to the ground, shoving my face into the dirt. Xemnas and Saix soon follow, and let me tell you. I pissed these guys off good. Seifer and Saix soon have me in their grip again and Xemnas has my bag slung over his shoulder. He pulls my spare pair of socks out of it and uses them to gag me. Class has already started so, of course, no one notices them literally dragging me straight down the hall to the boys' bathroom. I'm actually scared now.
They shove me through the door and Xemnas throws my bag at my head. Because of all the classes I take, my bag is heavy as shit. So yeah, that hurt. I pull the socks out of my mouth, only to be replaced with Xemnas's dirty ass shoe being pressed into the side of my head. Seifer and Saix are standing outside the door on watch like the good little dogs they were.
Xemnas comes up to me and grabs my jacket again, tossing me into one of the stalls. He grips the back of my head and tries to shove it into the bowl of the toilet, but I manage to grab the seat before he can. I know he's yelling something at me, but I'm too terrified and focused on not going into the toilet that his foul words don't reach me. Why the hell didn't I just shut up?
I can't help the scream that escapes me as my arm slips and my head is pushed into the swirling water. You know how girls always complain that the boy's bathroom is disgusting as fuck? Well they're right. The shit water floods my mouth and I try as hard as I can to keep it from getting in my lungs.
The bowl empties and Xemnas pulls my head up just enough so I could get some air. I cough and cough as a mixture of shit water and saliva drips down my chin and into the bowl. I'm actually kind of glad my face is drenched so that Xemnas can't distinguish the tears I can no longer hold back. There's no strength left in my arms, but I try and push myself away from the water anyway.
He leans in next to my ear, practically screeching in it. "Admit, you little pussy. Admit I'm higher than you," He demands.
I cough a few more times, air finally getting in my lungs but that disgusting taste is still lingering in my mouth. But the words that tumbled out of my lips were just, oh-so sweet. "You're right, Mansex. I am higher than you."
"You little bitch!" His voice tears through the walls and I'm seriously surprised that no one has heard this fucker shouting. I mean really, are these bathrooms that sound proof or something? The bowl fills back up and he shoves my head back into the water. I have a feeling he's going to try and keep me there longer, so I try to think of it as if I was swimming. I loved swimming and being under water. When you're under the water, everything is muffled and you have that comforting feeling surrounding you as you just float there. That's one of my favorite feelings. If I had gills, I would – shit! Shit, I need air!
Xemnas is just holding my head under the water now and I swear he's legit trying to kill me! I start panicking and trying to throw my arm backwards hard enough to hit him. Finally my fist connects with something and Xemnas screams as he lets go of me and I throw myself out of the bowl of death.
Delicious air fills my lungs and I start gasping and hacking up toilet water. I actually end up puking in the toilet, that nasty taste way too overwhelming for me. When I finish, I turn around and see that Xemnas is on the ground, curled up in a ball with his hands between his legs. I actually let out a small laugh as I stand up and run to my bag, grabbing and attempting to bolt for freedom.
Again, though – life hates me.
Something grabs my ankle and suddenly my nose is met with the tiled floor of the bathroom. I try and lift my head up, but it's quickly grabbed again and slammed back into the ground. Xemnas picks me up again before throwing me back into the stall. My head hits the edge of the toilet and I kinda just sit there, disoriented and in a lot of pain.
I'm seriously scared. People have threatened to do this, but I never once thought it would actually happen. Xemnas laughs at me again then leaves me there, holding onto the toilet to keep from falling to the floor. My mouth tastes really gross from the toilet water, puke, and blood. My nose is probably broken and I can feel blood trickle down the side of my cheek. Xemnas finally has finally realized that verbal pain isn't the only thing he can cause me. What am I supposed to do now? If he etst cocky enough, he might actually end up killing me one day. I can't take it… that kind of fear… I can't even begin to simply 'deal with it' every day…
I use the toilet as support and push myself up, somehow managing to get back on my feet. It takes a second for me to clear my head enough to move, but I do it. I sling my bag over my shoulder, almost falling over in the process, and leave the bathroom. Only to be met with half the student body surrounding the bathroom and laughing at me as I make my exit.
"Haha, he really is a shit-face now!"
"Faggot!"
They just kept throwing names and insults at me and no matter how hard I try to ignore them, it is just too much. Tears continue to pour down my face, which no one cares about. They just kept saying how I was 'such a baby for crying' and that I should just 'go kill myself'.
You know what, why don't I? It's not like anyone would give a shit. They certainly wouldn't. My parents wouldn't, either. I'm pretty sure Cloud and Tifa would be better off, too. It won't matter to anybody. Not even that Axel guy. I admit – I kind of had a smallish crush on him. But who could ever want me? Certainly not someone as successful as Axel. He could do so much better than me. I was only wasting my time, liking him. It is a waste of time to do anything, really. I am a waste of a life. And everyone knows it.
How many people have seen Xemnas attacking me? How many teachers? A shit load, basically. And have they done anything? Nope. Because no one cares. You know, I don't even care anymore. It's not like I can just change and automatically be straight or whatever! I can't be who they want me to be so they're punishing me for it! Everyone always tells you to just 'be yourself' and people will like you for who you are. What a load of bullshit! There's always going to be someone who hates you for something that you can't help and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it!
Well, you know what. I'm going to do something about it.
I walk up the steps on the small porch to my uncle's home and, through my tear blurred eyes, adding a few more scratches to the doorknob as I unlock it. After I get in, I go straight to Tifa's medicine cabinet and grab the bottle of her sleeping pills. This seems like the easiest way to go.
I go to my bedroom at the end of the hall, making sure the door is locked. Cloud and Tifa are still at work and they woun't be back for another few hours. I figure that will give me just enough time. I set my bag down and take out my iPod, setting it in the dock beside my bed. "Should've When You Could've" by Skillet starts playing and I can only think of how much that song fits right now. I love how well my iPod knows me and yet no one else seems to even want to. Well they can all go to hell.
I open up the bottle of pills, dumping a handful out and just playing with them. There are about maybe twenty in my hand and I can only wonder if it is enough. How would Cloud and Tifa feel when they find me? They'll probably think I'm taking a nap at first. But then Tifa would get closer to put a blanket over me and put a kiss on my forehead. She'll realize how cold I am and that I won't be breathing. Then the screaming will start and Cloud would rush in to find me cradled in her arms, cold and lifeless.
I take out my journal, the one I carry with me everywhere and hold all the pain I've gone through in the past two years since coming out and entering high school. I rip out a clean page and pull a Sharpie out of my bag as well. I write that I'm sorry and that I love them across the page before telling them to read my journal; that I placed under the note on my nightstand. When they read that, they'll know all the trouble I am too scared to tell them.
Earlier I mentioned that I talked to teachers and counselors about the bullying, right? Well I could never bring it up to Cloud and Tifa, no matter how much I know I should've. They already do so much for me and I just didn't want to involve them with my problems. Well, there was that and… the fact I doubt they would care, just like everybody else. I don't have any friends, my teachers hate me, the other kids hate me; I just can't risk knowing Cloud and Tifa hate me too.
The song ends and "Easier to Run" by Linkin Park plays next. They are right. If I can change who I am, I would. If I was different, people would like me. I wouldn't be hurting so bad. I wouldn't be in anybody's way. I'd be better if I was different. But I can't be different, no matter how much I try. So it's just better if I leave.
I take a deep breath, closing my eyes and reflecting on my life. I mean, really; what have I done to contribute to the planet? Nothing, absolutely nothing. There's no reason for me to be here, so why am I? Everyone is born for a reason, right? So what's my purpose? Am I here just to be the butt of everybody's jokes? That's certainly what it seems like. Wow! Such a fulfilling life I have! Yeah, no.
I'm done. I'm just done.
I bring the pills to my lips, just about to put them in my mouth and swallow my demise.
'I'm sorry. Goodbye.'
One of the pills is just about to fall in my mouth when I hear the doorbell. Who the hell could that be? Whatever. Not my problem anymore. I try to take them again when the doorbell yet again interrupts me. There's no car in the driveway, so why do they think someone's home? I'm not going to be. I try one more time when that goddamn doorbell just starts ringing repeatedly.
What could they possibly want?!
Annoyed, I set the pills next to my note and get up to answer the door and to have maybe my last conversation with another human being. Oh, I hope they feel special. I stomp down the stairs, just wanting to get this over with. The more I prolong it, the more I'll not do it. And I'm already convinced that I just need to disappear. Besides, no one would miss me.
I open the door, only to be met with a set of the most gorgeous emerald eyes I have ever seen. The man is rather beat up, as if he just got out of a nasty fight. He is still beautiful all the same. "Axel?"
I had so much fun writing this c:
I hate bullies. I really do. It's really none of your business what goes on in someone else's life. You have no right to make fun of someone for the choices they make, so leave them alone. You don't like something about them, good for you. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. I mean, really. They teach you this crap in elementary school. IT'S FREAKING ELEMENTARY. C'MON.
Anyway - this fic, I am sad to say, is not originally mine. I adopted it from Elizabeth Anne19 because she couldn't finish it. No, this is not her original, this is the product of my re-writing a good majority of it. She even went to the trouble of being my Beta for it C: What a sweetie~ So yeah, this has been read and approved by the original author. So I better not get any kind of shit like "Oh, you stole this fic!" No. I adopted it with full permission. So there.
100 Theme Challenge: Drowning
All songs belong to respective owners.
Characters (c) Tetsuya Nomura
R&R&F pweaz C:
