"I wish this would work. I wish this could make me feel better. I wish you could be able to read this. But I know it's impossible because you never learned how to read, even though you were the smartest kid I ever knew, probably smarter than I ever was. It's impossible also because you can't send letters to heaven, if there's any.
But I digress.
The thing is, Peter, Daddy misses you. He misses you like he never missed anybody. Because he never loved anyone like he loved you. Because anyone loved him like you did, buddy. And because no one ever left him feeling so empty.
Daddy is lonely, and daddy is thinking in paying you a visit too.
I expect that wherever you are, you aren't feeling disappointed of me. I know I've been drinking a lot, but your Pops isn't here to help me remember I have life to live. And without you, Peter, I'm not sure if I want to live it at all.
You may wonder why Pops left, and I really wish I could tell you something better but the truth is that he left because of me. Daddy is not good enough for your Pops, Peter. I know you may not see it but it's true. We can't blame Pops, we can't be mad at him, ok?
I know he's dying without you too but Pops is stronger than Daddy ok? Don't worry about him. And don't worry about me.
I'm in your room right now. I haven't come out of it since you left, actually. I've been hugging Mr. Snuckles while I sleep, hope you don't get jealous, I know you hated when people grabbed him.
Huh, I remember the first time I saw you, Pete. You were so tiny I was afraid I might break you. At the end you were the one who broke me. But I'm not blaming you either.
It was all my fault.
I should've done something. Faster. Better.
But God figured that I didn't deserve you, and so he took you away from me. Tell him that that was a dick move, but I don't judge him either.
I remember how freaked out I was when I brought you home for the first time. You were crying and scared. We both were actually. And then I called your Pops, and God, everything was alright.
He made everything alright. And I'm sure that if he was here everything would be so different. But I can't screw his life too, it's not fair for him.
I don't want you to worry about us. We're better this way. Well, he is…
I remember painting this room. It was one crazy day. Especially because, making mass murder weapons that's easy, but painting a room in a way Steve Rogers would like is something way harder. We laughed a lot after all the yelling. I'm sure you remember too.
Remember the small part I made for you in the lab for when you grew up? Yeah, I haven't gone to the lab to avoid seeing it. I had such good plans for you. It's one of the many things that kills me slowly too. All the things that you won't be able to do.
What kills me the most is all the small memories you didn't take with you, buddy, you left all those memories here. Haunting me in every little part of the house I look at.
Little things like your bare feet down the hallway or your little laugh. The race cars on the kitchen floor, the plastic dinosaurs.
I remember your brown eyes looking into mine, like we had our own secret club. I remember you dancing, before bed time, then jumping on me, waking me up.
I can still feel you hold my hand, little man.
And how you fought it hard like an army guy, in a way you'd made Captain America proud, and I'm telling you, you did. I admired you, Peter. So strong for such a young boy.
And then the worst happened.
I remember the drive home, with that blind hope. I turned to crying and screaming why.
The flowers piled up in the worst way. No one knew what to say to us about a beautiful little boy who died.
And is about to be Halloween. You could be anything you wanted if you were still here.
I remember the last day when I kissed your face and whispered in your ear: c'mon baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here, out of this curtained room and this hospital grey. We'll just disappear
You were my best 4 years, Peter.
What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?
And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?
But what if the miracle was even getting one moment with you?
I miss you so much, Peter. I try to pull myself together but it hurts, buddy.
I'm never going to hear your tiny voice saying 'Daddy' again. I'm never going to see those big brown eyes being amazed by whatever it was that I was doing at the lab. I'm never going to hear that noisy laugh under your Pops fingers when he tickled you.
I'm never going to get those things back, Peter.
I need you to understand that that's why Daddy's been drinking so much. That's why Daddy is so sad lately.
That's why Daddy is going to do what he's going to do.
I hope I don't get people to be angry with me. I hope your Pops won't be angry with me. I hope he understands.
I love you to the moon and back, Peter.
I'll see you soon.
-Love, Dad.
ps. Steve, don't be mad with yourself. I didn't do this because of you. I did it because my life had no point and I'm sorry if I make you feel bad. I don't want you to be sad. Or to blame yourself of my death. There's nothing you could've done.
I hope you'll get the happy life you always wanted. I hope you meet someone that won't screw up as much as I did. And I hope you get to have more children with them, Peter would've wanted that.
I'm not sure to where I'm going. Giving my past maybe not to where Peter is, but I'll be looking after you everyday, I hope. And so will Peter, I'm sure…
And I'll dare to speak for both of us when I say We love you… a whole lot.
Tell everyone not to say anything nice for me at the funeral. I know I was a dick, they don't need to lie just because I'm dead…
You were the second best thing that ever happened to me. Even though I screwed up so many times, I loved you more than I loved myself. And given my ego, that's to say a lot.
I can't ask you not to cry, I know you'd cry even for a dead puppy. But what I do want to ask you for is to live your life. You're good, you'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
-Tony"
this was inspired by the song Ronan by Taylor Swift
