Time to pull my hat out of my pocket and put it on backwards. I try and change my look so they won't recognize me. After all, I have just as much as a right to be there as they do. I usually don't speak at these things anyway, and it is a wonder I even go. But today I had an appointment with a doctor and my T cells are low.
See now, I wouldn't be able to afford a real doctor if I didn't do what I do. I figure, these junkies are going to get their smack anyway, it might as well be from me. It isn't like I'm forcing them to come to me; they do it on their own free will. I mean, sure, I don't like to see someone go to another dealer, and granted, I may taunt those trying to quit, but I need my customer base. If they keep getting clean or dying on me, I'll be out of business.
Time to go around the room and introduce ourselves. "Gordon" I say at my turn. No one takes notice, they don't know me. No one on the street knows my real name; they don't take the time to ask. I'm simply The Man. I like that though. The Man. Makes me seem more important than I really am.
"Ok let's begin." I sit back and roll my eyes.
"There's only us. There's only this."
Why do I even come here? Suddenly a face I recognize comes barreling in. How do I know this kid? Oh right. He's a friend of a customer. Though, come to think of it, I haven't seen his buddy in awhile. This might explain why.
"Forget regret or life is yours to miss."
"Excuse me Paul, I'm having a problem with this, this credo." Where the hell did that come from? Why am I speaking up?
"My T cells are low, I regret that news, ok?" Let's see how they respond to that.
"But Gordon, how do you feel today?"
"What do you mean?"
"How do you feel today?"
"Best I felt all year." What does this have to do with anything?
"Then why choose fear?"
"I'm a New Yorker! Fears my life." They all chuckled, but I didn't mean to make a joke. Every day I live in fear, of getting shot, getting arrested, of getting sick. But then I look at Paul's face, and even that kid Mark's, and I break. "Look, I find some of what you teach suspect. Because I'm used to relying on intellect. But I try to open up to what I don't know."
With a final deep breath, I admit out loud what I have believed for so long. "Because reason says I should have died three years ago."
Why is it that I didn't? Why am I still here?
No one would believe me if I said I'm lonely and afraid. On the street I elude a cool, easy going, fear-inducing attitude. If They knew what I said in here, it would all be over.
Paul continued the meeting and it ended with the chant "No Day but Today."
Time to take off my cap and slip into my hooded sweatshirt and scowled face. Time to go back to work.
