A/N: I've been a fan of this odd movie for well over a decade, but have only now decided to start writing fanfiction for it. There is no real plot to this "story;" it's more a collection of short stories, illustrating the backstories one fan has imagined for each member of Jason's crew.

I don't own "The Ice Pirates."


The Space Herpe, as these space-faring humanoids are calling her, is slithering along the smooth metal ceiling of their ship. Earlier she was sleeping peacefully, in a place that was warm and moist, and steadily increasing in heat, until it was the comfortable burning temperature of her home world. But her hibernation was interrupted when a massive blade penetrated her new cocoon, and when she poked her head out to see what was going in, she found herself surrounded by screaming, violent humans. She barely got out with her life.

Why is it is hard for these giant bipeds to let a harmless Herpe sleep in a dead bird that she found first? Humans can be so...inhumane.

She has found a safe spot on the ceiling of the ship's bridge, where she was able to returned to her nap for a while. But a change in her environment has woken her again; the ship is entering a new kind of space. And it is affecting the Herpe's mind. Outside the windows, the stars are stretching. Inside the ship, light seems to flash on and off like lightning.

Below her are three female humans. The youngest is sick, and she excuses herself from the cockpit. The oldest follows her. The last woman remains at the helm, piloting silently.

This woman is intriguing to watch. She sits still as a statue, fierce catlike eyes fixed on the stretching stats before her. Her fashion is like some cross between pirate and bohemian. Wrapped around her black bandanna is a metallic headband with a silver eagle crowning her forehead. The eagle is the symbol of Boudicca, the planet famous for its fierce and beautiful warrior women. Maida, a Boudiccan, had something eagle-related in almost every one of her colorful wardrobes.

How do I know that? the Space Herpe wonders.

It's this anomaly, the Time Warp. It is excelling the growth of everyone and everything on-board. The high intelligence and telepathy that a Space Herpe would normally develop after a few years have rushed to this Herpe all at once in a matter of nanoseconds. She need only look and focus on the human below her, and she experiences her memories, her entire life.

Artimaida. That's what this human is called. But friend call her Maida.


"I don't want to go!" Maida pouted as her mother lifted her into her arms.

"Believe me Maida, you don't want to stay," her mother, Hippolyta, said, as they boarded the space ship.

The entire village of warrior men, women and children were boarding ships, the battle for their home world lost. Little Maida swung the miniature sword she'd used just hours before to help her mother defend their home, while her father fought at the front gates of the city. The blade was red from hacking at invader's ankles and adding extra holes in Templars already cut down by her mother, grandma and aunts. Both Maida and her mother sported war paint, her mother's blue tiger-like stripes across her face, Maida's a simple eagle claw drawn on her forehead. Everyone, adults and children, wore elegant metallic ornaments, and most spotted some colorful face paint for the battle. And all had swords.

Maida's adrenaline was still pumping and she wasn't ready for the battle to be over yet. But trying to fight against her mother's strength was useless.

The inside of the ship was dark and cramped, but at least Maida and her mother got to stand by a window. Six years old, Maida had never seen her home planet from space before. It was an iron gray, covered in dark lines and blotches were bodies of water once flowed. The planet was surrounded by large, unfamiliar ships.

A boy Maida's age, with a purple eagle feather drawn over one eye and crossing his nose cone, asked his big sister, "Why're the Tempurs doin' this?"

"Because we want to be free," the the heavily painted teenager replied solemnly. "The Templars won't stop destroying worlds until their rule is absolute."

Maida watched the Template ships begin firing blue beams of energy onto her home planet.

"Mama," Maida tugged her mother's gold chain mail tunic. "Where's Dad?"

Her mother just watched the view before them, with tearing eyes.

Maida's ashen fave returned to the window, just in time to see the blue laser beams engulf the planet, and then Boudicca shattered like glass, rock and ice and bits of its molten core falling in shards against the stars.

Maida's clan lived as bohemians for the rest of her childhood. Which didn't last as long as most. Her mother was killed when bandits invaded their tent on the moon Lexxa, stabbed in her bed. Maida was nine then. She spent the next three years dedicating herself to the study of swordplay, and the next two years hunting down the man who'd murdered her age fifteen, she finally found the bastard at a space port. She challenged him to a duel. She won. Though not as cleanly as she'd hoped. It was her first decapitation, and it took a few tries to get his head all the way off. She'd have to work on that particular move.

"Here," Maida drop-kicked the thug's noggin into his bemused cronies. A heavily scared alien caught it in crablike claws. "Play some kickball while you wait for your next transport," Maida said coldly.

The outlaws seemed more amused by what they'd just witnessed than anything else. One of them muttered, "I love kickball!" Maida found herself raising an eyebrow as he and the crab-alien began kicking and serving their comrade's head across the docking lot. The third pirate, a stout man with an elegant bandanna and one mechanical eye, approached Maida.

"You got spunk kid," he grunted. "And talent. Ever consider a career in piracy?"

Maida stared ahead at the macabre kickball game, then shrugged. "Better than sittin' around and getting fat. What the hell."

Maida thrived in her career as a pirate. She lost count of the number of ships she served on, and worlds she visited. But she has always collected souvenirs, and works them into her fashion. Fine fabrics from Mithra and Uther; a skirt of belts she'd bought from a street craftsman on the Pirate's Moon; a gold snake-shaped arm bracelet from the gift shop of a hotel-asteroid; a 23-karat gold tiara she'd won in a cereal box. A few centuries ago she'd be mistaken for a queen or princess; but now in the Dry Era, when wealth is measured in water, when gold and jewels are just cheap trinkets, she just looks like a woman with very erratic fashion. Not that Maida ever cared what anyone thought of her.

She first joined Jason's crew as his girlfriend. That didn't last long. But because there was never any denying that Jason is a great captain, Maida is an unbeatable pilot, and both are pretty handy with a sword, they've begrudgingly remained friends and loyal shipmates.

When Killjoy first stepped aboard a few weeks ago, Maida took the large hairy thief for another meat-head, another Jason. So naturally she didn't offer much response to his advances. But the more she learns about Killjoy the less of a meat-head he seems to be. He relied on his brains to get himself out of prison, off Mithra and into Jason's crew. He's funny. He introduced Maida to an ancient, ice-based sport called Hokey. His wit has helped the crew on many occasions. He protected Maida from the Space Herpe. (At this, the alien eavesdropping on Maida's thoughts scoffs sarcastically, a squelching sound that makes Maida glance up at the ceiling in confusion before returning attention to the helm.)

Maybe, Maida thinks, she should take the big lug up on that offer for a "long hot bath," when they reached the Seventh World.

Her feline eyes flick to a black dome on the mechanics near the helm. Something in it's reflection has caught her eye. Templars, trying to get the drop on her. As if. She locks the ship into autopilot. Then, pretending she's still driving, slowly reaches for her saber with one hand.

Now, the Herpe thinks, would be a good time to find a new hibernation spot and get the hell out of here.

Swords clash, curses are shouted, and the squelching scream of the Space Herpe goes unnoticed by the battling humans below, as she slides across the ceiling, out of the cockpit and into the hallway.


A/N: I can't say when this story will be updated, since it has no real plot, and it's probably not going to have a whole lot of followers eager for an update (with "The Ice Pirates" being such an obscure movie).

On a somewhat unrelated note, here's some fun trivia for any Trekkies reading this: Mary Crosby (Princess Karina) played Natima Lang, Quark's Cardassian girlfriend in the "Deep Space Nine" episode "Profit and Loss." Patty Maloney, who played the dwarf woman in the "Voyager" episode "The Thaw," was also Dara the waitress in "the Ice Pirates."