A/N - Hi everyone! Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to
read my story. Just so you all know, it has been quite a long time since I
read The Return of the King. I'm sorry if I mess up and change some of the
aspects of the book! Anyway, I'll stop carrying on about who knows what.
Enjoy! All reviews are welcome! This is supposed to be funny. (Although I
have most likely been seriously led astray somewhere if I believe myself to
be at all humorous.) I have the utmost respect for Tolkien's works. This is
for the sole purpose of bringing smiles! (
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the wit in this story. (Is there even wit? Probably not.) Tolkien's great mind came up with all original characters and plot lines. The crazy tree plot is Tolkien's, but I have insanely twisted it! Mwahahaha. But I do own the DVD of the fellowship of the ring! Wahoo for me! Oh and I don't own CVS Pharmacies. (Who does anyway?)
The Return of the Tree
Arwen strode slowly toward Aragorn, the King of Gondor. Sauron had been defeated. Arwen knew it was now time for Aragorn's quest to commence.
"Aragorn, my lord, it is time for your quest."
"What quest is it that you speak of?" Aragorn's greasy hair glittered in the afternoon sun. Damn, he thought, that shampoo just isn't working! I'll have to get my money back from CVS Pharmacy.
"Aragorn!" Arwen screamed. She disliked being ignored. "What! God, woman, we've been married for a day and you're already annoying me!" Aragorn thoughts trailed back to his greasy hair.
"Aragorn," Arwen sighed, "I know listening to anyone but yourself talk is very hard, I have the same problem, but you have to embark on the mightiest quest of all."
"Get on with it. I'm listening." Aragorn was getting annoyed; he needed to get new shampoo from CVS!
"You must find . . . the tree." Arwen's tone was serious.
"The tree?" Aragorn snapped his head dramatically.
"The tree." Arwen nodded.
Aragorn paused. "What tree?"
"You idiot!" Arwen snapped. "Elessar, you must replant the tree of Gondor! Only then can the city return to the glory of yesteryear."
"Who's Elessar?" Aragorn looked confused.
"You are!" Arwen snapped. "It's another one of your names. Good God, you'd think you could be satisfied with one name, but no, you have to have, like, ten!"
Aragorn nodded solemnly, not listening to Arwen's spiel. After another long pause, he said, "Sorry hun, I still don't know what tree you're talking about. Did you overdose on caffeine pills again? That most likely isn't good for your health, you know."
"No! This is important, you halfwit. Go find the tree. I have faith you will succeed."
"Oh . . . okay." Aragorn. "Where would I find this so called tree?"
"How the hell should I know?" Arwen shrugged. "You're the hero with valor and all that jazz. You figure it out!"
"Some help you are." Aragorn glared at his new wife.
"Shut the hell up!" Arwen yelled. "I don't need your antagonism right now."
"Wow...why'd I marry you again?" Aragorn squinted his eyes, as though he were thinking. Yes, this is quite insane, seeing as how he rarely has intelligent thoughts.
"Just find the damn tree!" Arwen sputtered.
"Fine!" Aragorn shot Arwen a dirty look. Then his face brightened. "Hey! Can you get me some shampoo? I need a different brand."
"No!" Arwen snarled, turning her back. "You'd better find that tree! I gave up my immortality to be the Queen of Gondor . . . oops, I mean, your wife . . . just find the tree and restore Gondor!"
Aragorn, being the rather stupid man that he is, did not get Arwen's statement. Good thing, too. Tolkien's trilogy would have been ruined.
~
"Dumb bisnatch!" Aragorn complained, his hands on his hips. "There's no tree here!"
"I can still hear you! You haven't walked four feet!" Arwen screamed from inside.
"Oh yeah!" Aragorn smiled. He started to walk to the right . . . but then turned to the left. I don't know which way to go, he thought. Feeling inferior, Aragorn sat down and buried his head in his hands. However, after a moment, he jumped up and exclaimed, "I know! I'll do eenie meenie minie moe! (A/N: I have no idea how that's spelled.) After doing this several times, (he lost count once . . . or twice . . . all right it was three times) he decided to go left.
"I'm off to see the wizard!" He skipped happily along.
"No you're not!" Arwen hollered after him. "You're off to find my tree, you son of a.."
But Aragorn did not hear her. He was too busy trying to sing. All living creatures in the same proximity as him covered its ears.
~ Meanwhile. (A/N - Don't you love meanwhiles? I know, Sauron was destroyed and all that jazz, but pretend he went off to some happy land, ok? Good!)
Sauron and his defeated minions sat around a bonfire in some far away land. Sauron, after being destroyed (or so we thought . . . mwaha) by that damned hobbit, had taken up numerous hobbies. After knitting and floral designing had not satiated his boredom, he decided to make an art out of his evil cackles. (Sauron deals with his anger in many ways, friends.)
"To perfect your evil cackles, you must first perfect your tone of voice." Sauron waved a pointer around, even though he wasn't pointing at anything in particular. "Now, after you get the really nice deep tone, you must decide which evil cackle you prefer. Now, some prefer the 'muahahaha', with a u, while others take a fancy to 'mwahaha', with a w. It is really your choice. I, personally, like both. Now, moving on."
"Wait," an orc interrupted. "I don't get it! How can there be two ways to say it?"
"You idiot! You're incompetent! You fools! Don't you listen! Ahhh! I can't take this! Why, why, why couldn't I have just dissipated into nothingness? But no! I'm stuck with you invalids!" Sauron carried on like this for quite awhile. However, he soon broke out of his madness, and continued discussing different evil cackles.
"Now, you can add a 'he' into your cackle, so it sounds insane, much like mwahehahahaha. However, if you overdo this addition, then you sound like a horse, or a donkey, or something of that sort. Avoid this. Moving on."
The lesson continued. Sauron broke into more rages. His minions became no better at their evil cackles. Perhaps he should consider ballet.
A/N - Wow! The first chapter of my first fic completed! Enjoy! Please review! Thanks everyone! Peace and much love, Scegan
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the wit in this story. (Is there even wit? Probably not.) Tolkien's great mind came up with all original characters and plot lines. The crazy tree plot is Tolkien's, but I have insanely twisted it! Mwahahaha. But I do own the DVD of the fellowship of the ring! Wahoo for me! Oh and I don't own CVS Pharmacies. (Who does anyway?)
The Return of the Tree
Arwen strode slowly toward Aragorn, the King of Gondor. Sauron had been defeated. Arwen knew it was now time for Aragorn's quest to commence.
"Aragorn, my lord, it is time for your quest."
"What quest is it that you speak of?" Aragorn's greasy hair glittered in the afternoon sun. Damn, he thought, that shampoo just isn't working! I'll have to get my money back from CVS Pharmacy.
"Aragorn!" Arwen screamed. She disliked being ignored. "What! God, woman, we've been married for a day and you're already annoying me!" Aragorn thoughts trailed back to his greasy hair.
"Aragorn," Arwen sighed, "I know listening to anyone but yourself talk is very hard, I have the same problem, but you have to embark on the mightiest quest of all."
"Get on with it. I'm listening." Aragorn was getting annoyed; he needed to get new shampoo from CVS!
"You must find . . . the tree." Arwen's tone was serious.
"The tree?" Aragorn snapped his head dramatically.
"The tree." Arwen nodded.
Aragorn paused. "What tree?"
"You idiot!" Arwen snapped. "Elessar, you must replant the tree of Gondor! Only then can the city return to the glory of yesteryear."
"Who's Elessar?" Aragorn looked confused.
"You are!" Arwen snapped. "It's another one of your names. Good God, you'd think you could be satisfied with one name, but no, you have to have, like, ten!"
Aragorn nodded solemnly, not listening to Arwen's spiel. After another long pause, he said, "Sorry hun, I still don't know what tree you're talking about. Did you overdose on caffeine pills again? That most likely isn't good for your health, you know."
"No! This is important, you halfwit. Go find the tree. I have faith you will succeed."
"Oh . . . okay." Aragorn. "Where would I find this so called tree?"
"How the hell should I know?" Arwen shrugged. "You're the hero with valor and all that jazz. You figure it out!"
"Some help you are." Aragorn glared at his new wife.
"Shut the hell up!" Arwen yelled. "I don't need your antagonism right now."
"Wow...why'd I marry you again?" Aragorn squinted his eyes, as though he were thinking. Yes, this is quite insane, seeing as how he rarely has intelligent thoughts.
"Just find the damn tree!" Arwen sputtered.
"Fine!" Aragorn shot Arwen a dirty look. Then his face brightened. "Hey! Can you get me some shampoo? I need a different brand."
"No!" Arwen snarled, turning her back. "You'd better find that tree! I gave up my immortality to be the Queen of Gondor . . . oops, I mean, your wife . . . just find the tree and restore Gondor!"
Aragorn, being the rather stupid man that he is, did not get Arwen's statement. Good thing, too. Tolkien's trilogy would have been ruined.
~
"Dumb bisnatch!" Aragorn complained, his hands on his hips. "There's no tree here!"
"I can still hear you! You haven't walked four feet!" Arwen screamed from inside.
"Oh yeah!" Aragorn smiled. He started to walk to the right . . . but then turned to the left. I don't know which way to go, he thought. Feeling inferior, Aragorn sat down and buried his head in his hands. However, after a moment, he jumped up and exclaimed, "I know! I'll do eenie meenie minie moe! (A/N: I have no idea how that's spelled.) After doing this several times, (he lost count once . . . or twice . . . all right it was three times) he decided to go left.
"I'm off to see the wizard!" He skipped happily along.
"No you're not!" Arwen hollered after him. "You're off to find my tree, you son of a.."
But Aragorn did not hear her. He was too busy trying to sing. All living creatures in the same proximity as him covered its ears.
~ Meanwhile. (A/N - Don't you love meanwhiles? I know, Sauron was destroyed and all that jazz, but pretend he went off to some happy land, ok? Good!)
Sauron and his defeated minions sat around a bonfire in some far away land. Sauron, after being destroyed (or so we thought . . . mwaha) by that damned hobbit, had taken up numerous hobbies. After knitting and floral designing had not satiated his boredom, he decided to make an art out of his evil cackles. (Sauron deals with his anger in many ways, friends.)
"To perfect your evil cackles, you must first perfect your tone of voice." Sauron waved a pointer around, even though he wasn't pointing at anything in particular. "Now, after you get the really nice deep tone, you must decide which evil cackle you prefer. Now, some prefer the 'muahahaha', with a u, while others take a fancy to 'mwahaha', with a w. It is really your choice. I, personally, like both. Now, moving on."
"Wait," an orc interrupted. "I don't get it! How can there be two ways to say it?"
"You idiot! You're incompetent! You fools! Don't you listen! Ahhh! I can't take this! Why, why, why couldn't I have just dissipated into nothingness? But no! I'm stuck with you invalids!" Sauron carried on like this for quite awhile. However, he soon broke out of his madness, and continued discussing different evil cackles.
"Now, you can add a 'he' into your cackle, so it sounds insane, much like mwahehahahaha. However, if you overdo this addition, then you sound like a horse, or a donkey, or something of that sort. Avoid this. Moving on."
The lesson continued. Sauron broke into more rages. His minions became no better at their evil cackles. Perhaps he should consider ballet.
A/N - Wow! The first chapter of my first fic completed! Enjoy! Please review! Thanks everyone! Peace and much love, Scegan
