Chapter 1: It Sucks to be Dead

Perhaps one of the strangest parts of being dead was the complete disregard for hygiene. Even if you were piled on top of other dead people, piled so high that the lake bed was no longer visible, you simply didn't care about it as much. It was no longer important. Why fret over every single fish that nibbled off a bite of flesh, or the fact that Mr. Dead Guy next to you no longer had a jaw? It just didn't really matter anymore after the first year or so.

Of course my kin and I are not really dead, not in the traditional sense at least. All of us are kind of trapped down here, like a prison block except without the ability to walk in circles or spit in the guards' faces. We can't even look at each other much, though occasionally someone's body will land face-down, and then it's "Sorry but it looks like I'll be staring at your rotting crotch for the next decade or so." It's not exactly the best way to make friends.

The funny part, the big kicker out of this entire scenario, is that unlike most of these dead slobs in here I know what we are. And I probably could have gotten rid of it if I had known, and had been prepared for the numbers my house elf and I would face. You see, I was a wizard in my day, and a pretty keen one at that. I dabbled in a bit of necromancy here and there, even though my friend Severus was always better at it. Still though, if I couldn't have ended it he might have been able to. After all, nobody wants to leave a bunch of inferi around. You never know when someone might accidentally find them and wake the dead.

Of course, when I was living that was a problem. Now that I'm on the other side, that's really the best part about this job. One time there were a bunch of little kids that broke in, thinking they were tough shit and all that. They made a tent over on the north end, where not even the ugliest cave fish dare to dwell. They would climb around the cave along the slippery rocks along the wall, slipping their way over like they thought this lake was their kingdom. They didn't know it had already been claimed. There were three in total, and I'm pretty sure all of us slobs down here were betting which one would make the dive. It must have been years since I'd made my final trip to the soup.

Then of course the cute one went in, the older kid that should've known better. He was hot, I'll admit it - hey, even if my sex organs are gone, it doesn't mean I can't look. If this had been a bet, I probably would've lost a shit ton of cash on that guy. I always did have a problem resisting those dark, adorable ones. After he roused us, the other two of course didn't stand a chance. One of the other slobs, it might have been a woman once, went over and destroyed the makeshift tent the kids had put together. A shame really, I thought we really could have used a bit of decoration in this dreary pit, but apparently she wasn't a big fan of kid's decorations. Then of course the three kids bled out into the water, and we got a chance to stretch those limbs we call legs until they got up to join us. Man, those are great times. Not the fact that people have to die, but just being able to move again. You get to stare down the guy that's had his knee between your shoulder blades since the last death. And, more importantly, you get to move around and change your position. Me, I wasn't one to enjoy being so close to the bloody place I died, and decided to situate a bit farther back so I could at least see the top of the island a bit better.

Slowly we all collapsed into place, and if you didn't know the right place to be, it was too late to complain. I was unfortunate enough to have a leg land on my face. At least I could see, but it was like the guy thought I was talking too much and shut my trap for me. Not that he had much of a leg left to speak of.

So we sat there and waited around for the next snoop to enter, wondering in our dead minds what the next catch would be. This time we didn't have to wait nearly as long.