Go on home, Reid , you'll need sleep for tomorrow." Hotch said as he came out his office
"Yes, sir" I replied getting up and packing
I felt the cold since of dread fill my stomach as I stood up. I was usually the last one to leave and it wasn't uncommon for Hotch to tell me to go home.
The truth was I was afraid at home there was nothing but dark corners the light didn't touch and my thoughts. I never had noticed how uncomfortable my thoughts were until I made friends at work and realized what happiness could be like.
Not that I was continually depressed, I just didn't realize that not feeling sad wasn't happiness. The blank feeling almost felt worse than sadness till the sadness came and enveloped me even worse. I could always pour of one of my many books or do homework or research, but as Hotch said eventually I need sleep.
With sleep came horrifying images, decapitated women, organs, stab and bullet wounds, different types of torture and the faces. Each face of every killer we'd ever caught seemed to stand out perfectly in my dreams, the look of pure evil that lurked inside them, the evil I knew could very well lurk inside of me.
I said I was afraid of the dark because of the inherit absence of light, but really it was because I felt surrounded. When it is dark I can't see my surroundings, even if I open my eyes I wouldn't be able to see a seriel killer standing over me.
I knew I could probably call anyone of the team to talk and they'd answer and talk to me, but I always talked myself out of it before I could even pick up the phone. They needed sleep so and I didn't want to bother them so instead, I stayed quite as my thoughts and memories ate me from the inside out.
I wouldn't realize I had gone crazy and I would hurt someone before I'd ever admit I was crazy. The thoughts seem to burn through me all night long, reminding me that no one was truly there for me and I was on my own, because I wouldn't let myself be otherwise.
Everyone thought I was so gifted for ability to be so smart when really I used as a way to escape myself. As long as I was focused on that keeping a state of numbness and not focusing on my thoughts it be fine. I didn't know so much because I was a genius but because I was a coward.
A coward that was afraid of his own mind, that filled his head with knowledge so he didn't have to face the very real possibility that he was, that I was crazy. I could end up like my mother or worse being one of the men we hunt. Be one of the real monsters of the night and as much as I tried to convince myself I'd get myself help before that happened I knew that if I truly went off the deep end that I wouldn't be able to.
