A/N: Yes, this is a Harry Potter/Nightvale crossover parody AU. Strongly featuring Drarry as a joke pairing, ye be warned. This should be about one chapter per nightvale episode, unless I decide differently. I don't even know anymore... Onward, I guess.
Welcome To Hogsmeade
by GR
Potterwatch wasn't the only station following the progress of the second war. Reporting to you live via wizarding wireless from an undisclosed location, Draco Malfoy tells the tale of the Death Eater invasion and the boy with the lightning scar who braves the countryside in search of Horcruxes…
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A friendly mountain community where the blood is pure, the snow never melts, and the dark mark hangs in the sky while we all pretend to sleep... Welcome to Hogsmeade.
Hello listeners. To start things off I've been asked to read this brief notice: the Death Eaters announce the re-opening of the Chamber of Secrets in the school a few miles from the station. They would like to remind everyone that Mudbloods are not allowed in the Chamber. Teachers are not allowed in the Chamber. It is possible that you will see the Dark Lord entering the Chamber. Do not approach him. Do not approach the Dark Lord. Try not to look at the Chamber, and especially do not look for any period of time at the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord will not harm you (unless you are a Mudblood).
And now the news.
Old man Aberforth in the Hog's Head says he can produce a Patronus. Says it is seven feet tall with radiant antlers. Says it performs various household chores for him. It put out the cat. He is offering the services of his Patronus, which has the power to ward off Dementors. Says it is a goat Patronus, if that sweetens the pot for anyone. If you're interested, contact old man Aberforth. He's at the Hog's Head.
Harry Potter was spotted in town today. No one knows what he was doing here or what he wants from us. Why his perfect and untidy hair? Why his perfect and beautiful scar? He says he is the Chosen One. Well, we have all been the Chosen One at one point in our lives. But why now? Why here? And just what does he plan to do with the sword of Gryffindor he is keeping in a small beaded bag in that tent of his camped out behind Honeyduke's? No one does Acid Pops like Honeyduke's. No one.
Just a reminder to all the parents out there. Let's talk about safety when taking your children out to play in the ice fields and the Shrieking Shack. You need to cast warming charms on them, make sure there are no Mudbloods in the area, and keep an eye on those Apparating in an out of the village. Are the figures appearing out of thin air belligerent and unwashed? Probably Snatchers. Not a good time for play that day. Are they wearing masks? Those are the Dark Lord's Death Eaters. They'll keep a good eye on your kids, and hardly ever take one. Are they decomposing corpses stumbling blindly through the landscape? No one knows where those Inferi came from, or what they want. Do not play in the area. Return to your homes, and lock the doors until a Death Eater leaves the head of an unfaithful house-elf on your doorstep to indicate that the danger has passed. Cover your ears to blot out the screams. Also, remember: Butterbeer is basically soda, so give your kids plain old water, and maybe a sermon on magical supremacy while they play.
A dragon guarding a Gringott's vault disappeared today, only to turn up, we are told, on the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch, disrupting Slytherin team practice quite badly. The dragon roared through the pitch for only a moment, and before it could burn any players to a crisp, it flew away again, this time apparently for good. There is no word yet on if or how this will affect the Slytherin team game schedule, and also, if this could be the work of their bitter rivals the Gryffindor team. Gryffindor is always trying to show us up through fancier broomsticks, better pregame snacks, and possibly, by transporting an aged dragon onto the pitch, delaying practice for several minutes at least. For shame, Gryffindor. For shame.
The Chosen One, who we all know to be Harry Potter, called a town meeting. He has eyes as green as a fresh pickled toad and teeth like a military cemetery. His hair is perfect, and we all hate and despair and love that perfect hair in equal measure. Old man Aberforth brought treacle tarts, which were decent, but lacked sugar. He said the Death Eaters had taken his sugar for black market potions, and he hadn't yet gotten around to buying more. Potter told us that we are, by far, the most corrupt magical community in Britain, and he had come to rid the world of this scourge. He grinned, and everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly. Hogwarts teachers with vague, uncertain allegiances were in the back watching. I fear for Potter. I fear for Hogsmeade. I fear for anyone caught between what they know and an Unforgivable curse.
The local chapter of the Muggleborn Registration Commission is selling badges as part of their fundraising week. They sent the station one to get some publicity, and I'm here to serve the magical community so I'm happy to let you all know about it. The badges are made from good, sturdy elm, and they read, "Wands don't choose Mudbloods. It's impossible for a wand to choose filthy blood. We are the sole proprietors of magic and it is a miracle." Stand outside of your front door and shout, "I must not tell lies!" to order one.
And now the weather.*
oOo
A great howling was heard from the Shrieking Shack yesterday. Villagers claimed no knowledge, although passersby described the sound as being a little like a fragment of a human soul being destroyed through basilisk venom. The Half Blood Prince—now, I don't know if you've seen this guy around; he's the one who appears to harbor a secret love for Mudbloods, yet wears a dark mark and claims to be the Dark Lord's most trusted adviser—he appeared on the scene, and swore that he would discover the truth. No one responded because it's really hard to take him seriously with that shampoo aversion of his.
The station would like to remind you about the Order of the Phoenix and Dumbledore's Army. The reminder is that you should not know anything about these. The Patronus and Galleon-based methods of Order and DA communication are privileged information known only to rebels on a need-to-know basis. Please, do not speak to or acknowledge any rebels you might come across while shopping at Zonko's or Honeyduke's. They only tell lies, and do not exist. Report all rebel sightings to the Death Eaters for treatment.
And now for a brief public service announcement: Lethifolds. Can they kill your children? Yes.
Potter, perfect and beautiful, came into the studio during the break earlier, but declined to stay for an interview. He had some sort of locket in his hand with a tiny heartbeat. Said he was testing the place for traces of dark magic. I don't know what kind of dark magic he meant, but that locket sure hissed a lot like a snake. When he lifted it close to his scar it sounded like, well, like a room full of angry Parselmouths all yelling at each other. Potter looked nervous. I've never seen that kind of look on someone with eyes that green. He left in a hurry. Told me to evacuate the building. But then, who would be here to talk to all of you out there? Settling in to be another dark night and pureblooded evening here in Hogsmeade. I hope all of you out there can cast protective enchantments around your homes, or at least have neighbors who can do it for you.
Good night listeners. Good night.
A/N: For access to the wizard rock tracks that constitute the weather portion of the show, check out my tumblr (link in my profile, tag welcome to hogsmeade). I base my scripts on the welcometonightvaletranscripts tumblr, with much appreciation. Good night readers, good night.
