I glared at the sandwich I held…the familiar smell of charred cow flesh too closely resembled the smell of charred flesh of another kind…I grimace at the remembrance of that smell…I put the sandwich down in disgust…Sam is talking about the family…the farmhouse…those poor damned kids…not evil, really…just the product of their terrible origins and upbringing…I can't keep it inside any longer…when I had told Sam about Hell, I had held something back…something I carried inside…something that I knew would wound Sam deeply,…this knowledge of what his big brother was really capable of…I was sickened to the very depths of my soul…there was no making up for it…no wiping it away…I had done it and to my eternal shame and torment, I would always know what terrible depths of vile unholiness I was capable of….I would have given anything not to tell him this one last secret…anything…but I knew….he had a right to know who he trusted so deeply…who had actually come back to him…I was no longer the brother he loved…I was damned, whether saved by God or not…I was the evil that we sought so fiercely to…I had become the thing I hated most…I must tell him the truth…he deserves that much. And so I let it flow out of me…watch him flinch away at my words…I tell him all of my darkest secret. "Sam… I tasted the pain I inflicted…and I liked it….the pleasure comes at a heavy toll…I tore at them, their crimes,…their transgressions,…their mistakes….whatever it was that landed them here…in Hell….mattered not to me….I did it only for the twisted, tainted pleasure it brought…to inflict upon others every single terrible, soul-unraveling atrocity that was visited upon me…30 years of abject terror…horror…unending brutalization at the hands of a skilled torture machine…he knew every god-forsaken way to elicit such exquisitely accurate pain and misery from a soul…and enjoyed his work with a fervor and delight that sickened my soul…I begged,…pleaded,…prayed,…to be saved…for him to stop, to let me die…to not bring me back…and he laughed and came at me harder…ever more diabolical in his machinations….the despair of the realization that I would never be free of this pain…this terror…that I would be put to the rack long after mind stopped returning with my soul at the end of each day when they renewed me…like magic…to begin the on slot again the next day…and so I broke…that future unbearable, I was weak, just like I've always been, I was only ever strong for you Sammy, and without you there to stop me,…my weakness took me into a future that was far worse than what had been done to me,…I choose it willingly to save myself from the pain…I got off the rack and I tortured that first soul,…weeping as I did so…but a part of me…the oft and long terrorized part of me…latched on to the simple fact that now I could do to someone what had been done to me…that I didn't have to be alone in the pain,…the suffering,…the agony….and with that, a flip switched in my mind…turning off the human part of me…the empathetic part of me that knew it went against everything I stood for…that I was taught…by dad…by you…and the tormented became the tormentor…what they did to me was monstrous….and it created a monster….so you see Sam…those kids, they were animals, defending their territory…I…am far worse…" my voice breaks, the tears falling, burning hot on my cheeks, the shame and disgust I feel about myself throbs through me like a living fire…the flames forever licking at my tainted, undeserving soul…Sam's silence is all the confirmation I need to know that I am the thing I feared most…a monstrosity to him now and forever more…