Huh? What? I actually wrote angst? Woah.
ice-shredder gave me a long list of one-word-prompts for me to pick from. ;-; So stressful!
ice-shredder also contributed a few sentences around the bottom half of this. :3 Thanks for helping me out!
(If you're looking for my usual silly one-shots, look for "Rush"- that should be right above this one.)
Sorry if all the italicizing is annoying. Just found a theme and rolled with it. XD I just love pressing Ctrl and I at the same time!
I actually don't have a second AN underneath cuz it'd ruin the mood. I'm already ruining it. (Oops.) Okay- get in the mood. Think death. Think kicked puppies. Think Al without kittens.
On with the story.
Edward was in chains.
No, not literal ones- though he knew what they felt like, too.
These were metaphorical chains he placed because of his pride, determination, desperation, obsession, brotherly love... and guilt.
He was willing to lay all the cards out, put everything on the line, for an impossible task... an impossible promise.
When you make a mistake that deals with someone else's life... You can't undo it.
But he still was trying so hard to fix it and lying to himself that the Stone really did exist and he just had to find another lead and don't worry Al it's gonna be somewhere.
Even if by some miracle he could get his little brother back to normal, the memories would haunt both of them. They had haunted him for years already. They wouldn't just magically go away. The truth would always loom over them.
If he hadn't been so selfish and prideful and so desperate to see her face again, his brother would still be able to feel. Looking at the suit of armor that replaced an innocent boy and his own cold metal limbs and his State Alchemist watch wouldn't remind him of how stupid he was.
So, in a way, he was chained. He chained himself down to the military, turned himself into a dog and handed the leash to a man who jerked him around the country just to tick him off because he was just making their quest take that much longer.
He made the rash decision to say, "I'm going to get you back, Al, if it's the last thing I do." He couldn't regret that chain, no way, even if it kept him from thinking about anything else but the next place to look and that he had to keep going. He was only worried that the few times his mind wandered, he wondered of what could've and should've been...
The chain on his watch kept him attached to his past, one he both wanted to let of and also hold onto for dear life so it could constantly add fuel to his fire.
It was one of the only things Alphonse did not know about. No matter how close they were, nearly attached at the arm, he couldn't tell him he scratched a date into his watch. He didn't need to tell.
They knew enough about each other already. No matter how unpredictable he could try to be, Al could probably determine how he would end any of his sentences.
He knew that his little brother wanted to take some of the load off his shoulders, because he insisted he was equally responsible. Did Alphonse not realize he was just following along with his older brother, his stupidly brash older brother, because he was supposed to trust him?
Why would he still trust him now, after all he'd done?
No wonder Ed put chains on himself. If he was imprisoned, he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone else.
In theory.
But what looks foolproof on paper doesn't always work in reality.
The most devastating example was clearly human alchemy, which- Ed noted with no small amount of bitter irony- was a deadly, tragic obsession that constantly whispered false hopes and good feelings through all the ominous, sour air. He and Al had been chained to it long before he attempted the impossible. They never stood a chance.
He now questioned everything- constantly scrutinizing, always poking holes into strains of convoluted logic. He did not want to be caught off guard again. Did not want to disappoint again. Did not want to hurt someone again.
He had killed the sweetest woman in the world a second time after she'd already suffered enough.
But, no matter how much he struggled to not be a menace to the world, it didn't work.
People were still hurt just by knowing him. Why? The thing he's searching for is dangerous. The way he's doing it is dangerous. His very existence is dangerous. He shouldn't have even survived trying to bring her back. Alphonse wasn't supposed to, either.
Ed racked his brain for an explanation. Were they cursed? He wouldn't have believed such a thing to be possible if it wasn't him that caused so much pain. Too many good people were dying because of his vexing desperation.
Too many tears shed because of two boys who were this close to giving their last breath more than once.
Fitting for people who tried to reverse death.
That meant more than ever he needed to help Al. Even if he was a horrible older brother... They're all they've got left.
Everything he did was for his brother, not himself.
He couldn't be selfish again. No, he was the least important thing here.
Few important things are kept in chains.
Edward was in chains.
