DARK LORD WARS

A Star Wars, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Ring crossover

Chapter 1: Scream for Ice Cream

Palpatine, Sauron, and Voldemort were fighting. Then, they stopped and kissed and made up, except without the kissing.

"Would you like me to buy me some ice cream?" Voldemort asked Sauron and Palpatine.

"I can't," replied Palpatine. "I have sensitive teeth."

"I can get you some fake teeth forged in the fires of Mount Doom where I forged the One Ring… TO RULE THEM ALL!!!" said Sauron. Come on, have some ice cream with Voldy and me!"

"When I say no what I mean is… NO!" said the emperor.

Voldemort was furious! He charged directly at Palpatine...


Harry woke up from another nightmare. His scar was prickling.

"There was a man…" said Harry. "Voldemort offered him some ice cream, but he wouldn't take it. We have to help him."

"Bloody old bloke," said Ron.

"What did he look like?" asked Hermione.

"He had on a black cloak, and his face was all grotesque," said Harry.

"Even more so than You-Know-Who?" said Ron, perplexed.

"Yeah. We've got to help him somehow."


Palpatine, looking defeated, lay at Voldemort's feet. Voldemort laughed maniacally. Then, Darth Vader walked into the room. "What is thy bidding my master?" he said.

"Lord Vader… take… cell phone," said Palpatine. "Call my… mother and tell her… to find Sauron and ship him… to Mount Doom… and dump him in the molten magma. Ow, my aching back…"

"Yes, my master," said Vader.

"Also… send Veers, Piett, and Jerjerrod… to go and rescue me from… dungeon… and turn Harry Potter to the dark side."

"He will join us or die."

Vader walked out of the room. Voldemort snapped his fingers and Rookwood and Dolohov entered and dragged Palpatine away.

"Time to torture you until you eat my ice cream!" said Voldemort.


Sauron entered the tower of Barad-dûr. "Wayne! Shagrat! Gorbag!" The goblin and two orcs entered the room.

"Yes Master?" said Wayne.

"Today Voldy gave me some banana-licorice ice cream!" said Sauron. "That ice cream tasted very good! Go to Superstore and buy me some!"

"I'll go," said Shagrat. "You two go easy on your weak limbs." And he walked off.

Gorbag was puzzled. "I thought he was the one who always made up excuses to make others do his work for him!

"Maybe he wants to make up for it!" said Sauron with a shrug.

Wayne didn't understand this. "But it's unlike him to…"

Suddenly Wayne and Gorbag look at each other in horror!

"What is it?" said Sauron.


Shagrat left Superstore with a box of banana-licorice ice cream and ate it all in about 30 seconds!

At Voldemort's dungeon, Palpatine was locked up in a cell. Voldemort gave him some ice cream.

"Eat it!" said Voldemort.

"Never!" said Palpatine.

Voldemort raised his wand. "CRUCIO!!!"

Palpatine writhed on the ground in agony.

"EAT IT YOU DOPE!!!" said Voldemort.

"I'm not a dope!" said the emperor.

"Forgive me… Darth Dope!"

Palpatine began to zap Voldemort with Sith Lightning!

"Protego!" A shield formed around Voldemort, causing the lightning to rebound and zap Palpatine instead.

"Eat the ice cream!" snapped Voldemort.

"No!" said Palpatine.

"Then I'll have to use the Imperius Curse!" said Voldemort.

Shagrat entered the room.

"What is it Shagrat?" said Voldemort.

"Lord Thingy!" said Shagrat.

"Call me the Dark Lord!!!"

"Mr. Dark Lord! Sauron is planning to overthrow you and take over the universe."

"That lying cheating scum!" said Voldemort angrily.


At Barad-dûr, Sauron was getting impatient waiting for Shagrat to return with the ice cream.

"What's taking that rat so long?" said Sauron, pacing back and forth.

"He's eaten all the ice cream himself! I know it!" said Gorbag.

"Even if he did why would that take him so long?" said Wayne.

Shagrat entered the room.

"Shagrat!" said Sauron. "Where is the ice cream?"

"You ate it! I KNOW you did!" said Gorbag.

"No I didn't," said Shagrat. "I was bringing it home, when suddenly Voldemort came and hit me with the Full Body Bind Curse! He took the ice cream and scarfed it down!"

"Dude!" said Sauron. "That Voldemort guy is evil! Even more so than me! I must not allow anyone to steal ice cream from me! I'm calling the Nazgûl!"

Sauron ran off toward the living room.

"Why does our boss have to be the stupidest?" said Gorbag. "First, not even Voldemort is more evil than he is! Second, if Voldemort had attacked Shagrat, he'd have hit him with Avada Kedavra not Petrificus Totalus! You're trying to trick him aren't you?"

"You don't trust me do you Gorbag?" snarled Shagrat. "Why do you hate me so you scum?"

"Let's face it! You ate the ice cream and are pitting Sauron and Voldemort against each other!"

Shagrat threw a bowling ball at Gorbag. He ducked and it hit Wayne in the head and knocked him out.

"No one shall stop my plans Gorbag!" said Shagrat, and he took a sword and stabbed Gorbag in the throat! Then he put the sword in Wayne's hand to make it look like he killed Gorbag and then got his memory jugged by the bowling ball falling on his head. Shagrat snuck off.


Who will win - Voldemort or Sauron? Can Harry, Ron, and Hermione save Palpatine? Will they find out that he is evil? Stay tuned for Chapter 2