She Did Wait
I don't own Phineas and Ferb. Dan Povenmire and Jeff 'Swampy' Marsh do.
I do, however, own this version of Human!Perry and this theory on how he became human.
Takes place before 'It'll Be Ok'
Requested by CoronaIgnis
…
Perry sipped his coffee from his platypus mug. In a moment, Major Monogram would inform him of his newest mission against Doofenshmirtz. And then, after all that nonsense, he would get to spend the evening with Vanessa at that restaurant, 'Chez Badger'. He remembered that this restaurant was the one that had gotten all of the customers from Chez Platypus, the restaurant Phineas and Ferb had built. So it must be good. That was why he was taking Vanessa there. He would pay for everything, he'd decided, like the true gentleman he was. After all, who allowed their girlfriend to pay? Certainly not Perry.
Perry shut his eyes and smiled in bliss, thinking of his love. Doofenshmirtz still wasn't aware that the Perry his daughter was dating was Perry the Platypus turned human, his nemesis. When Vanessa had brought Perry home with her, the agent had not worn his hat, so, typically, Doofenshmirtz couldn't recognize him. Perry didn't understand how Doofenshmirtz couldn't recognize him. After all, how many teenagers wore platypus-themed suits and had teal hair? One: Perry.
Suddenly, Perry's chair disappeared and he fell down a pipe; yelling out in surprise as he shot down, the wind racing through his hair. He plummeted down until he reached his lair, where he slipped on his red seat and landed with his face against the screen.
Major Monogram's face appeared on screen, and the first thing he saw was Perry's squashed up face. "Great googily moogily! Agent P! What happened?"
"I carn fill mah fiss!" Perry replied, unable to speak proper English.
"What? Oh, hang on. Carl!" Monogram called.
Carl came down in the elevator behind Perry, a scraper in one hand. He scraped Perry off of the screen and the agent fell back into his seat. Carl saluted and jogged back over to the elevator, disappearing as the elevator shot up. " I said 'I can't feel my face'." Perry said irritably, rubbing his face. He realized that he was still clutching his platypus mug and saddened at the emptiness. "My coffee…"
"Anyway, Agent P, sorry about the surprise, but you weren't answering your watch." Monogram continued.
"Must've left it on my bedside table…" Perry muttered.
"Now on with your mission. Dr. Doofenshmirtz has taken all the cats in the Tri-State Area. We don't know what he's planning to do- Agent P! Stop staring at the empty coffee mug!"
"But I need my afternoon coffee!" Perry complained. "Otherwise the day just isn't worth living…"
Monogram sighed. "Carl!" He called.
Once again, Carl came down in the elevator; holding a pot of coffee. He jogged over to Perry, who held his mug out. Carl poured some coffee in to the mug, then saluted to Perry and jogged back over to the elevator. Perry sipped at his coffee, then let out a satisfied, "Ah…Ok, now I can listen."
"As I was saying, Doofenshmirtz has taken all the cats in the Tri-State area. We have no idea what he could be doing, so it's your job to find out. And, if necessary, put a stop to it."
Perry paused, then cringed. "Yeah…" He said, dragging out the word. "Approximately, how long will this mission take?"
"Well…I dunno. I mean, usually, you jump in; he traps you, then he explains his plan; you escape and his plan is foiled."
"Oh!" Carl exclaimed, appearing on screen. "And then he shouts: Curse you, Perry the Platypus!"
"Nice work, Carl, you just cursed Agent P." Monogram scolded.
"Well, actually, sir, I was just impersonating-"
"But nothing, Carl."
Carl groaned and walked off screen. Monogram continued to frown at the intern. He turned back to Perry. "Why do you ask, Agent P?"
"Well, it's just that I promised Vanessa I'd take her to that restaurant down town, and I've gotta be there on time."
"Agent P, what's more important? The safety of the Tri-State Area, or your date?" Monogram asked.
Perry paused and pondered. On one hand, he supposed his date was. After all, his Vanessa meant everything to him. But on the other, the Tri-State Area's safety included his Vanessa's, and Phineas' and Ferb's too. His hat dropped down from above and landed on his head. Perry looked back to Monogram. "The safety of the Tri-State Area."
"Excellent. Now, go out there and get 'im, Agent P." Monogram encouraged.
Perry saluted to him and jogged over to his hovercraft, jumping in. The wall opened up to a runway and Perry manoeuvred the hovercraft down the runway, then flew off into the sky.
…
Vanessa checked the clock on the outside of the restaurant once more. Where was Perry? He was supposed to meet her at the entrance to Chez Badger half an hour ago. Lacey crossed her arms and smirked smugly. Vanessa hadn't planned on Lacey and Johnny being there, but, apparently, someone had gossiped about Vanessa and Perry's plans; so, obviously, Lacey thought she and Johnny would 'tag along'. "So, Vanessa, where's Perry? Cause I don't see him."
"He'll be here." Vanessa replied, mentally panicking. For goodness sake, where was he? This was so embarrassing. Vanessa was dressed formally. Her black gown flowed down passed her knees and her wrist adorned a black, skull bracelet. She had curled a couple of strands of her hair and put on a little bit of makeup.
"Vanessa!"
"Here comes the boy wonder now." Lacey said mockingly.
"Vanessa!" Perry shouted, running toward her. Vanessa crossed her arms and frowned. "Vanessa," Perry panted and stopped in front of her, bending over to try and catch his breath. "Vanessa, I am so sorry. Your dad took all the cats in the Tri-State Area, so I had to get them all back."
"What's that on you?" Lacey asked him, noticing the white fluff on him.
"Huh? Oh, cat hair." Perry replied. "Must've gotten on me while I fought Heinz."
"You fight her dad?" Johnny questioned.
"On several occasions." Perry straightened himself and attempted to brush the hair off of his coat sleeves.
Perry was still wearing his platypus-themed suit, Vanessa had noticed, and not the other suit she'd bought him. "You're not wearing the other suit." Vanessa said.
"I'm sorry. My hovercraft broke down, so I couldn't get home to change. I noticed the time and quickly rushed over." He finally caught his breath and sighed, then smiled. "Great. Let's go in."
Vanessa huffed and walked passed him. Perry looked over his shoulder. "Vanessa, where are you going?"
"Home." Vanessa replied sharply.
"Oh." Perry turned to her, smiling. "I'll come with you!"
"No. You won't." Vanessa replied. "I'm going home without you."
Perry allowed a nervous smile on to his face. "But…I thought we were having dinner together?"
"Yeah. So did I."
Perry's smile faded. "But, Vanessa, I'm-"
"Don't you dare say you're sorry." Vanessa snapped, turning to him; scowling. "This is the fifth date you've been late to, Perry!" She poked him in the chest with a furious jab, which made Perry lean back. "'Oh, Vanessa, your dad did this!', 'Oh, Vanessa, your dad did that!', 'Sorry, Vanessa, Monogram wanted me to do this!', 'Sorry, Vanessa, Carl wanted my help with that!'" She exclaimed, trying to imitate Perry's voice. This only made Perry's brow crease even more. "I can't take it anymore, Perry! At first, I was ok with it, but now it's just silly!" She crossed her arms. "What's more important to you, Perry? Your job or me?"
Perry blinked. She was making him choose? Well, his job involved keeping people safe, including her. And, of course, she was important to him. He cared for her more then anything. Well, he still loved Phineas and Ferb, but not in the way he loved Vanessa. Oh, what to choose? What would Vanessa want him to say? His job? No, that would make him selfish. Her? No, that would make him clingy. He paused his pondering when he heard Vanessa huff.
"I can't believe you're actually thinking about it!" Vanessa yelled, throwing her hands up.
"Well, I-"
"Forget it, Perry." Vanessa said, then turned and began walking away.
"Vanessa!" Perry reached out for her.
Vanessa paused, then shut her eyes to try and stop the tears that threatened to fall. "We're through, Perry."
Those words pierced Perry's heart. "B-But…Vanessa! Please don't break up with me! Vanessa, please! Wait!"
Vanessa looked over her shoulder at him. "That's just it, Perry. I did wait." And, without another glance, Vanessa walked down the street; leaving Perry in the dust.
Perry felt himself tremble. What had he done? He just messed up the best and only relationship he'd ever had, that's what! Perry's knees felt weak and he tried not to fall over.
Lacey smirked at him. "Oh, well, Perry. You're welcome to join us, you know."
Perry stared at the retreating Vanessa for a moment or two longer before turning to her, scowling. "No. Thanks."
And, with hands stuffed in his trouser pockets, Perry made his way home.
…
"Oh, Simon, our love is the gooiest, loveliest love to ever love!"
"You got, baby."
"SHUT UP!" Perry screamed at the TV screen, picking up a balled-up, used tissue and threw it at the screen. It bounced off the screen. "Real love isn't like that! It's hard work! And, apparently, if you're late to five dates in a row, it's illegal!" He added sarcastically, then blew his nose on another tissue. Clad in his red bathrobe, he continued to watch the soap opera on the TV. Bags of potato chips and cans of soda pop surrounded him on the sofa and his feet adorned panda bear slippers. Some teal stubble had spread across his chin and jaw line, as the agent had refused to shave.
"Hey, Agent P, I-" Carl began as he entered the room, then paused. Perry looked at him, frowning.
"What?" Perry asked. "Can't a man vent out his feelings by watching cheesy soap operas?"
Carl just stared as Perry turned back to the screen, and the agent growled angrily as the couple on screen kissed. Carl turned back to the study. "Uh…Major Monogram?"
Monogram stepped out of the study. The Major had come to Carl's house to discuss some plans he was making for the organization. The Major blinked when he was the agent. "…Agent P?"
"Sh!" Perry snapped. "Can't you see I'm venting out my feelings?"
Both Monogram and Carl blinked as Perry turned back to the screen. When the couple on the program kissed again, Perry growled and picked up another balled-up tissue, throwing it. "That's. Not. LOVE!"
The tissue flew forward and hit the screen, but proceeded to bounce off and knock over the can of soda Perry had put on the coffee table. Perry growled angrily and threw his head back. "Cheese and crackers!" Perry huffed and buried his face in his hands. "What happened, Major? I thought everything was going so well!" He raised his head to look at his boss. "I mean, I was just doing my job! I was protecting her! And Phineas! And Ferb! Isn't that a good thing?" The agent sighed, then began to sing:
How could she have dumped me when I thought I'd been so right?
Perry looked over to Monogram, looking for answers. Monogram only watched him, feeling a tad guilty for making Perry go out on a mission and lose his girlfriend.
Could I have been blinded by my command to fight?
Did my visions of that evening not occur like they should?
He turned from them and scratched at his hair, then placed his hand to his chest.
I'm racking my brain here, I really thought I did good.
Perry looked back to Monogram and Carl and gestured to their own wall clock.
I know she checked that clock, and I know she checked it twice,
Perry made a motion with his hands. His hands were horizontal in front of him, and he moved them in a circular motion over one another.
But did she check it again?
He placed his hands to his chest.
Cause I did all I could,
He spread his arms out.
To get there on time!
The agent got up and moved toward the kitchen, hunched over in sadness, stepping with each syllable of each word.
Where did I go wrong?
He reached the kitchen counter and looked over his shoulder at them, the expression of sorrow plastered on his face.
Please, tell me.
Perry ripped a piece of kitchen roll off and walked back into the living room; once again stepping with each syllable.
Where did I go wrong?
Where did I go,
Standing beside the couch, he stopped and spread his arms out.
Won't somebody tell me?
Perry limped back and sat on the couch, then placed the kitchen roll on the spilt soda on the table.
Where did I go wrong?
Carl turned to Monogram, who sniffed. "Sir, are you crying?"
"I'm sweating through my eyes, Carl." Monogram said, sniffing as tears clouded his vision.
"Right, sir."
Perry continued to mop up the spilt soda.
"Come on, Agent P." Carl encouraged. "What happened to suave, sophisticated Agent P?"
"Carl, I am no longer a cute, fluffy animal." He sighed downheartedly and abandoned his job of mopping up the soda. "Sometimes I wish I was…At least then all I'd have to do is sleep, do my mission, eat, sleep again then go:" And his platypus chatter came out of his mouth. "Don't have to worry about girlfriends or relationships or any romance whatsoever."
"You were only doing your job! You protected the Tri-State Area, didn't you? Phineas and Ferb, remember?"
Perry's eyes widened as an idea wafted into his head. "Phineas and Ferb…Phineas and Ferb!" He jumped up. "Carl, you're a genius! Phineas and Ferb! They can help!"
"He's gonna take advice from a couple of boys?" Monogram muttered.
"Major, Carl, I know what Phineas and Ferb are gonna do today!" Perry exclaimed, then ran passed them to his room.
…
"You want us to do what, Perry?" Phineas asked, looking up at the man.
"I need you to rebuild Chez Platypus." Perry repeated. "Please, guys, I really need this."
Phineas placed a hand to his chin (if he even has a chin) and pondered. He turned to his step-brother. "Ferb, do we still have the plans for Chez Platypus?"
Ferb pondered this, going through his memory, then shook his head. Phineas turned back to Perry and shrugged. "Sorry, Perry."
Perry groaned.
"Whatcha doin'?"
The three turned to Isabella, who stood in the doorway to their backyard. "Freaking out, what're you doing?" Perry asked.
"Why's that, Perry?" Isabella questioned with the tilt of her head.
"I'm having relationship issues." Perry answered, rubbing his face with his hands.
"You have a girlfriend?"
"I did." Perry removed his hands from his face. That was it! "Isabella, you and the Fireside Girls have your Cooking Patches, right?"
"Yep." Isabella nodded and smiled proudly. "I have five."
"Cool." Perry smiled. "And, Ferb, you know how to cook, right?"
Ferb nodded.
Perry's smile became a grin. "Brilliant! Guys, would you mind cooking up something for me and Vanessa? Like, a little romantic thing?"
"I don't see why not." Phineas replied, smiling.
"Yes!" Perry exclaimed and punched the air. He knelt down and hugged the three. "You guys are the greatest!"
Phineas smiled widely at Perry's praise and hugged the man around the neck.
…
Vanessa sighed, looking at her full-length mirror. She wore the dress she wore the night she broke up with Perry, because her mother had told her that, perhaps, it would make her feel better. She would've worn it to a lovely, full coarse dinner with Perry, who would've worn the new suit she had bought him. If she was as important as his job. She didn't understand. Since when did a battle with Doofenshmirtz last that long. Perry could've had Doofenshmirtz defeated in ten minutes flat if he'd wanted. If he'd wanted…Was that why Perry had taken so long? Because…he wanted the battle stretch on longer? He wanted to miss their date?
"Vanessa!" Her mother called. "Someone's here to see you!"
Vanessa sighed. No point changing now. She turned and left her room, then made it to the front door. When she got there, she paused.
Standing there, in a black suit, was a little, triangle-headed boy with red hair. He smiled at her. "Hey…" Vanessa muttered. "I know you…You were the one travelling around the world with Ferb and those other kids."
"Yep, that's me. My name is Phineas." Phineas held out a hand for her to shake. She shook his little hand. "Ferb is my step-brother." Noticing her outfit, he chuckled. "Guess I don't need to tell you to get dressed." He gestured toward a black limo. "Right this way, please."
Vanessa raised an eyebrow. What was this kid doing? But, seeing the smile on his face, she gave in and walked down the path. Phineas looked at Charlene, who now stood in the doorway. They smiled at each other, for they both knew what was really going on.
Phineas got into the limo beside Vanessa, who still had one eyebrow raised. "Kid, have you asked me on a date?"
Phineas laughed. "No. Not me."
Vanessa tilted her head in confusion, but thought nothing more of it.
…
Finally, the limo came to a stop. Phineas opened the door, and gestured for Vanessa to get out as well. As Vanessa got out of the car, she looked around. Someone's backyard. She was in someone's backyard. Along the fence were small lights that twinkled like stars in the night. A table had been set up in the middle of the yard, under a large tree, with two chairs that looked like platypus tails. And there, standing in the middle of the lawn, was-
"Perry?" Vanessa asked.
Perry had his hands behind his back as he smiled at her. Her ex-boyfriend was clad in something that made her heart swell. The suit she'd bought for him. The suit was the deepest of black, with white pinstripes cascading down the material and a thin, black tie around his neck. Vanessa walked into the backyard and stopped in front of Perry, then crossed her arms and frowned. "What is this, Perry?"
"My apology to you." Perry replied. He gestured around him. "Welcome to Chez Platypus, or what we could get from it."
Vanessa blinked. Slowly, she smiled. "Perry…You did this for me…?"
"Well, I had a little help." Perry answered, looking over at Phineas. "See you've already met Phineas."
"That's the Phineas you were talking about?"
"That the Phineas I was talking about. The little genius."
Phineas grinned at this and nudged Ferb. "Ferb, did ya hear that? Perry thinks I'm a genius!"
Perry smiled at the boy. He turned to Vanessa and opened his arms. "…Can I have a hug?"
Vanessa placed a finger to her chin in thought. "Let's see…you're late for five dates in a row, come to our date in your normal clothes and cat hair, can't decide which is more important; me or your job, and then you make this and think I'm gonna rush into your arms."
Perry glanced in a different direction and nodded slowly.
Vanessa smiled. "Yes. You can have a hug." And she wrapped her arms around his torso, resting her head on his chest. Perry's arms immediately went around her.
"I'm so sorry, Vanessa…" Perry whispered. "I'll never do that to you again, I swear. If I did, I think Doofenshmirtz would have my head…Speaking of Doof, have you heard from him?"
"Why?"
Perry spoke in a hushed tone. "Well…uh…I went to his house to check if he's been doing anything evil a couple of days ago and, well…"
…
Perry snuck in through the window. He wasn't sure how Carl and Monogram had convinced him to do this. After breaking up with Vanessa, how could he go and see her father? However, there was no trap today. He looked around, and saw Heinz sitting on a stool beside a table, holding the phone to his ear; his back to Perry. "He did what?…Oh, honey, I'm sorry…" Heinz finally noticed his nemesis and turned. "Oh, hello, Perry the Platypus. Sorry, I'm not up to anything right now. I'm just listening to my daughter cry over that jerk, Perry. Apparently, he was late again." Heinz scoffed. "What a jerk…"
Perry's eyes widened and he quickly jogged over to the window and jumped out, letting his parachute out.
"Perry? Perry the Platypus?" Heinz called. "Huh, he must have somewhere else to be…And he did what?" Heinz asked into the phone. "…Cat hair? Weird, Perry the Platypus and I were fighting in a lot of cat hair…Ah, well. Other Perry must be some sort of cat-sitter or something…"
…
Vanessa smiled as Perry remembered. Trust her dad to be all protective like that. "Still," Perry said. "Guess I deserved it." He cupped her face in his hands and pressed their foreheads together gently. "I'll never do that to you again. I promise. I ask Monogram for earlier missions, and I'll-"
"Apology accepted, Perry." Vanessa said, interrupting him before he could start babbling. She leaned in and pressed her lips to his gently. And she was relieved when she felt him kiss back. His lips were gentle, yet urgent. Gosh, she had missed his lips, and she knew he'd missed hers too.
The Fireside Girl let a collective "Aw!". When Perry and Vanessa stopped kissing, he smiled at the kids and gave them a thumbs up in thanks.
The secret agent led her over to the table and pulled her chair out for her. Vanessa smiled at him and sat down, and he pushed the chair back. Then he went around and sat in his own chair. Perry reached over and held her hand across the table.
Phineas smiled and walked over, placing lit candles on their table and then two menus. "Good evening, monsieur and Madame, our special tonight is…"
…
Author's note:
Requests are welcome. Don't be shy.
Man, this took ages to write! As weird as it sounds, the song alone took me a good day or two thinking. Still, I hope you like it, CoronaIgnis. This is what popped into my head when you requested something about Doof's plot interfering with a date, but if it's not what you wanted, I can write something else.
Out of all the songs in the Christmas episode, Where Did We Go Wrong? was my favourite. Just so catchy.
And, of course, Vanessa made a reference to Summer Belongs To You by saying they went around the world.
Remember the restaurant they built and the customers left because of some new badger restaurant? Yeah. Chez Badger…I'm not very good with names and that was the first thing that popped into my head…
And, yeah, that soap opera was really bad. But I wanted it that way because, to me, that's what most romantic soap operas are like.
Hope you liked this.
