Title: The Face of the Confessor
Author: LOTSoflove
Characters: Richard Cypher & Kahlan Amnell
Rating: PG-13
Timeline: After Revenant
Story Type: Drama/Angst/Romance
Spoilers: Could be if you haven't seen all episodes leading up to & including Revenant
Summary: As a Confessor, she had always been trained to hide her true emotions behind her mask, her "Confessor face". Can Richard break through to find out what she hides behind the mask?
"Love isn't something to fear, Kahlan" Richard said.
"For me, it is" Kahlan replied, trepidation weighing heavily in her blue eyes.
They rode their horses in silence after that, each deep in thought as they attempted to sort through the avalanche of thoughts and feelings that were threatening to weigh them down. The events of the day had opened up new fears and a painful reminder of a love that could never be. Each struggled internally with how best to deal with the feelings they were experiencing, the grief they felt over the love they held for each other that could never be expressed.
For Kahlan, she was more resolute than ever to keep her love for Richard bound deep down inside her heart, to keep it hidden no matter how painful it was for her. It should be an easy enough task as she had been instructed her whole life to bury her feelings, to not be ruled by her emotions. She had been taught to wear her 'Confessor's face', a face that was devoid of any and all emotions. It was a face that gave no inkling to what lay beneath the surface or in the heart. It kept everyone at arm's length and gave the Confessors an air of mystery that also instilled fear in the hearts of everyone they came in contact with.
At an early age, Kahlan had been instructed to not allow her emotions to get in the way of her duty. The life of the Confessor was one of service to the people of the Midlands. Her life, her desires, her dreams were all insignificant compared to the welfare of the Midlands. So, in following the example of Confessors before her, Kahlan had learned to build a thick wall around her heart in order to protect it at all cost. The wall was not only meant to keep her own feelings from escaping and overcoming reason, but it also functioned well to keep others from getting in, from getting too close.
The wall had also been constructed out of necessity. It was necessity of protection from the father who used her for his own malicious purposes. The wall protected her from the pain, the fear, the abuse she endured at the hands of her father. Because of him, she learned well enough not to trust anyone for any reason. The rope went around her wrists, her legs…and the wall grew higher and thicker.
The wall had functioned well, allowing her to perform her duties as Confessor and eventually in traveling to Westland in search of the Seeker. In the Midlands, everyone knew she was a Confessor by the length of her hair and white dress she wore. And everyone feared her. Some stared out of curiosity, but usually few made eye contact with her and the ones that did, did not do so for long. There were a handful that accepted her and even called her 'friend', but there was always a subconscious underlying fear, a tension that permeated the air. Deep down in her heart, behind the way that protected it, she longed for a friend that truly accepted her, who wasn't afraid of her and what she could do. At times when she was lonely, she even dared to dream about a true, pure love with a man who wasn't her confessed mindless slave. But then the sound of her mother's voice from the past would float like a ghost through her mind, reminding her of her duty. Kahlan would then silently berate herself for her foolish, selfish thoughts…and the wall would grow that much higher, that much thicker.
Then she met Richard Cypher. He was unlike anyone she had ever met or known before. He was not afraid of her, afraid of touching her, or being close to her. It was something she had never experienced before. He was handsome, full of life and wonder, kind and compassionate…and not frightened by her. Instead, he was intrigued and captivated by her.
At first, it had sparked in her an interest in him that quickly began to grow into something more. The seed of fascination quickly took root in her heart; growing into a precious friendship that cultivated into something much deeper. It was becoming love. It began to escalate and intensify beyond her control as it began winding its way like a vine up and around the wall, threatening to break it down. She couldn't seem to stop it, at times wondering if she truly wanted to stop it. The way Richard looked at her with those chestnut brown eyes made her feel so beautiful, so special. Kahlan especially loved the sidelong glances he gave her when she thought she wasn't paying attention or when she would wake up to find him staring at her. He would always quickly look away, blushing slightly with a small sheepish smile on his face. It always caused a warm rush to wash over her, bringing a little flutter to heart. No one had ever caused such feelings to stir her soul nor had anyone ever looked at her like Richard did.
She never wanted these feelings she felt inside for him to end. She was afraid that if Richard really knew or understood her powers, he would push her away, would no longer look at her the same way again. The thought struck terror to her core. She didn't want to go back to the way it had been for her before; a life with no companionship, no happiness, no love. That was why she just wanted to taste his lips, just once. Not only had he kissed her, but she had then kissed him back, passionately, fiercely, letting as much of herself go as she could possibly allow without confessing him right then and there. For once, she was a real woman, a woman who was with a man. A man and a woman sharing and expressing what they felt for each other. It had all ended much too quickly when she began to feel her powers igniting within her. She had pulled back in fear and guilt, secretly berating herself for allowing her feelings to cloud her judgment. She was a Confessor who had just allowed her feelings to interfere with her duties. Ashamed, she pushed him away…and the wall got a little higher and little thicker.
Kahlan had eventually revealed her feelings to Richard, seeing a small smile of relief gracing his lips at the admission. She had quickly insisted that their feelings be buried; they had to think of the mission. And again, the Confessor face came out to mask the feelings she had to bury deep down behind the wall. Even with the mask, her feelings still managed to make itself known in small ways.
Those feelings of love and desire came pouring out when Darken Rahl had put a spell on Richard in order to find the Boxes of Orden. The terrifying fear of losing him forever, forced her to tell Richard the truth of what she held secretly inside. Kahlan, with tears streaming down her face, admitted her true feelings to Richard, telling him she loved him, that she had never wanted that kiss to end.
Richard had told Kahlan later that he had felt her love for him, that through it all nothing had been more real to him than her. She smiled her special smile, the smile that she gave only to him, to the only one she ever loved. He hadn't heard her profession of love, but had felt it. She could still hide and be protected behind her wall.
But then they had been possessed by Kieran and Viviane. The feelings that she kept hidden came flooding forth in a tidal wave of love, desire, passion, and lust. Sharing her body with Viviane, Kahlan no longer had control over the wall, over her emotions. It was like a damn broken loose. Reason, duty, the mission, all became washed way in the flood. They no longer mattered. All that mattered in that moment was them and the love they were burning to share with each other.
The taste of his lips, the feel of his hands on her warm flesh, the desire for her that burned in his eyes, was exhilarating. She had finally been free to give herself fully to him and to not have to think about the consequences. Viviane was in control…or was Kahlan. It all became so confusing who exactly was in control in the heat of their passion for the one they loved, the two Confessors acting as one. It was difficult to know where one began and the other ended, where one's love started and the other's continued.
Then Zedd had burst in and stopped them from consummating their love for each other. He had driven the spirits out that had possessed them. Realization and reason quickly took over desire and passion. The graveness of what had almost happened weighed heavily on Kahlan's heart and mind. She had almost destroyed the one she loved more than her own life. She once again berated herself for failing Richard, for failing her duties, for disgracing the Confessors that had gone on before her. What was happening to her? She use to be so strong, so in control of her emotions.
Every since Richard, she was having greater and greater difficulty keeping her emotions in check, keeping a tight grip on her heart. But now the Confessor's face was in place once again…and the wall became even higher, even thicker as she rode her horse beside the one she loved more than anything, the one she wanted nothing more than to give her heart to, her body and soul to. She swallowed back the lump in her throat and the tears that threatened to rise up inside her. She risked a sidelong glance to Richard riding beside her as she wondered what he was thinking…
To be continued…
