Tortallan Fairy Tales: Snow White
by an anonymous geek
A/N: okay so this is the first in a series of well known fairy tales with Tamora Pierce characters. Hope you like it.
disclaimer: if I was Tamora Pierce, I would have killed off Cleon and allowed Joren to live. . .
Cleon: HEY!
Joren: the girls always go for ME
Writer: shut up!
. . . so, you can see that I'm not Tamora Pierce, so therefore I don't own anything! Don't sue!
Act One
*cheesy music starts playing in the background*
Kel/Snow White: Soooome day my prince will come, some day my prince will come. . . sighs prince Joren, I love him so something clicks inside her head WHAT! JOREN? No way! I am NOT falling in love with Joren! Who wrote this stupid script??!!
Writer/director: zaps Kel
Kel: is zapped by the writer where was I? oh yeah, sooooome day my prince will. . .
[Elsewhere]
Lord Wyldon: while twirling his hair with his fingers Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest of them all?
Cleon/Mirror: Duh, Kel is.
Lord Wyldon: shrieks NOO! Why does Kel always have to be the prettiest! I'm pretty too! Well, I'll just have to kill her then! cackles muahahahahahahaaa!! Then I can be the prettiest! Yippee! skips around the room I'm so pretty, oh so pretty, I'm so pretty and witty and. . . hey, wait, wrong story! summons woodcutter
Raoul: You summoned me, my lady.
Wyldon: Yes. I need you to kill Kel, also known as Snow White. Make sure she's dead!
Raoul: Yes, my lady.
[Back to Kel]
Kel: is kidnapped by Raoul Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
[In the forest somewhere]
Raoul: I can't kill her! She was my squire. That would be sooo wrong! I'm ditching this job! I quit! runs off, and leaves Kel, forgetting all about her
Kel: wakes up, with animals all around her. A random bird lands on her lap Crown?!
Bird: cheeps furiously
Kel: Crown, I thought you were dead!! hugs the bird to death
Crown: CHEEP! falls to the ground, dead
Kel: oops, well, I guess she's back to being dead. sighs Whatever.
Animals: glare at Kel
Kel: I didn't really mean to kill her!
Animals: give incredulous looks, then lead Kel to a cottage
Kel: Well, isn't this a cozy little cottage! walks in What a pigsty! Doesn't anyone here clean after themselves??!! DISgusting! starts cleaning up the cottage, but then gives up half way through. Suddenly gets very tired and yawns Nap time! collapses on the ground and falls asleep
[Somewhere else]
Dwarves (Neal, Roald, Merric, Faleron, Owen, Dom, and Vinson): sing songs, off key, might I add
Merric: Whistle while we work, whistle while we work!
Dom: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go!
Neal: I looove you truly, truly, dear!
Dwarves, except Neal: stare at Neal
Neal: stops his singing his song What?
Writer: That's not in the script!!
Neal: I'm improvising!
Writer: zaps Neal
Neal: is zapped by the writer
Dwarves: return to their cottage
Neal: Whoa, this place is half cleaned!
Dom: It's a miracle!
Vinson: mutters things under his breath
Owen: There's a dead person on the ground!!! Isn't this jolly??!!
Dwarves: stare at Kel
Roald: I don't think she's dead yet.
Vinson: gets a nasty gleam in his eyes Soooo, let's kill her!
Dwarves, except Vinson: NO!
Neal: She's beautiful, yet somewhat familiar. starts composing poetry
Vinson: I still say let's kill her!
Everyone else: ignores him
Kel: wakes up Hey, guys! stands up Whoa, when did you guys get so short?
Dwarves: look at themselves and shriek in terror
Owen: Jolly!!
Other Dwarves: attack Owen
Owen: is attacked by the other dwarves
Kel: goes into her whole "Protector of the Small" stage and beats up all the dwarves but Owen Anyway. . .
Neal: Hey, were you the one who cleaned this cottage?
Kel: Yeah.
Merric: hey, why not just stay here and slave away for us?
Kel: thinks hey, that sounds like fun! Okay, I will.
Owen: Oooh, a slave dances around the cottage I've never owned a slave before! This is going to be sooo jolly!
All the other dwarves: stare at Owen, who is now break dancing
Owen: notices everyone staring at him and stops
[Elsewhere]
Wyldon: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest of them all?
Cleon/Mirror: Uh, still Kel, my rose, my dove.
Wyldon: shrieks WHAT? I thought she was dead! starts wailing like a baby
Cleon: Apparently, she isn't.
Wyldon: Shut up, you stupid mirror!
Cleon: Shuts up
Wyldon: Now that girl has REALLY ticked my off. Well, plan B!!!
Cleon: What's plan B?
Wyldon: Beats me!
Writer: THE POISON!!!!
Wyldon: I knew that. The Poison! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaaa. walks down to the dungeon like place, and turns into an old hag oh, this really ruins my complexion whenever I do this! eww. picks up a piece of broccoli MUAHAHAHAHAHAAA
[The dwarves' cottage]
Kel: cleans the kitchen, then hears a knock at the door, so walks over to the door and opens it, and sees an old hag Gee, are you ugly or what! Eww, you really should get plastic surgery or something!
Wyldon/hag: Shut up you stupid girl. . . I mean, you lovely girl, I brought something for you.
Kel: Really? What is it? I love presents!
Wyldon: hands over the broccoli
Kel: shudders I hate vegetables! Ewww! well, I always tell Neal to eat them, so I guess I'll have to eat this one. grimaces as she shoves the broccoli down her throat, then coughs, and then faints, and dies. well, I guess she's not dead, but she's under some weird some spell
Wyldon: hops around Yippee! Now I'm the prettiest!! runs out of the cottage
Act Two
[Outside cottage]
Animals: notice that Kel is dead, so they go to the dwarves
Dwarves: ACK!! Animals! Run! Hide! quickly run to hide around some rocks
Animals: are somehow able to communicate to the dwarves
Neal: Kel! She's dead!!!
Owen: NOOOOOOO. This is NOT jolly!
Dom: Let's go kill the murderer!
Vinson: Finally! I get to kill someone! Muahahahahahahaaa
Everyone else: YAY!
[A place with a lot of cliffs]
Dwarves: see Wyldon, so they chase him until he shrieks and falls off a cliff
Wyldon: shrieks and falls off the cliff
Dwarves: cheer
Neal: YAY! The Stump is dead at last!
Dwarves: return to the cottage, and then lay Kel's body down on a bench and start pretending to cry
Joren/Prince: comes out of nowhere, sees Kel, and grimaces I'm am NOT going to kiss her! I don't care what you do to me, but I will NOT kiss her!
Writer: zaps Joren
Joren: is zapped by the writer, and he kisses Kel, then he wipes off his mouth.
Kel: wakes up, then realizes that Joren kissed her, so she shrieks and tries to kill him
Writer: puts a spell on Joren and Kel
Joren: Kel, you're so beautiful!
Kel: And you're so handsome.
Joren: I am madly in love with you.
Kel: And I with you.
Joren: lifts Kel onto his horse and they ride off into the distance together
Narrorator/writer: And they lived happily ever after, that is, until the spell wore off.
The End
