Chapter 1
"What did you say", asked Ruthie looking at Jack.
"Martin told me it would be a bad idea to date you, that it would not be good", said Jack once again repeating what he was told by Martin.
Ruthie's eyes narrowed. She grabbed Jack's arms pulling him towards where she knew Martin would be. School had just let out so no one was in the halls besides. Ruthie and Jack. Martin looked up and saw Ruthie pulling Jack towards him. This was the day his life was going to change.
October 2008
Hi, I'm going to introduce myself. My name is martin Brewer. Yeah I know you know who I am. Anyway I decided to write in this journal to get some things off my chest. I have had the most interesting and most painful 2 years of my life. Let me start from the beginning. NO not the beginning of my life, but the beginning to where it all went wrong. Sandy. Damn. That word sometimes gets me so made. I was 17 going to be 18 years old when I got the news that I was going to be a father. Yes a father, me. Anyway I can't honestly tell you I was thrilled because that would be like I'm lying. Anyway I digress. Let me start to the day that changed it all for me, I mean the other day that changed it all for me. It was a normal Friday afternoon. At least I thought it would be. I was getting ready for baseball practice the usual, when the girl that has changed my life came yelling at me. Let me break down the scene for you so you could get a clearer picture. Maybe then you will understand exactly how this day changed my life.
"Martin", yelled out Ruthie with a look of pure rage etched on her face.
Martin's eyes snapped up. He looked confused for a minute as to why Ruthie was yelling out his name like that. Then he saw Jack. Shit he thought. She knew. All Martin could think was he had to find a way out of this.
"Hi Ruthie", said Martin trying to avoid her face.
"Tell me why", said Ruthie glaring at him with her hands still encased in Jack's.
"What do you mean?", asked Martin trying to act innocent like.
"You were never good at playing dumb Martin, tell the hell why you told Jack not to date me", yelled Ruthie letting go off Jack's hands and went to stand in front of Martin with her hands on her hips.
Martin looked down at her but Ruthie was not intimidated by his height. In fact he seemed to back up even though she was only 5'1. Martin gave Jack a look telling him to leave. Jack shrugged his shoulders. Whatever he thought.
"Tell me why", said Ruthie taking her finger and jabbing him on the chest.
Martin looked down once more before grabbing her finger. Ruthie ripped her hands form his and pushed him back a little.
"You going to fight me Ruthie", asked Martin smirking.
It just seemed to irk her more. Ruthie moved closer to him almost too close in his opinion.
"Why", gritted out Ruthie.
"Because he is too old for you", said Martin casually turning around and closing his locker but before he did Ruthie slammed it shut.
"Too old for me, why is that any of your business, I don't tell you who to be with and who not to be with, what right do you have to tell anyone I like not to be with me", yelled out Ruthie standing in his face again.
"I'm not going to get into a fight over this", said Martin calmly walking away.
Ruthie wasn't having it thought and grabbed his arm spinning him around to face her.
"Listen and Listen good, you are not my father, you can't tell me who to and who not to date, I don't stick my nose in your damn business, so butt out of mine", screamed Ruthie.
Martin grew angry then.
"NO I will not that guy is too old for you, I was protecting you", yelled Martin.
"Damn you, I don't need your damn protection Martin, I have enough older brothers, and a father to do that, I don't need you", yelled Ruthie back in his face.
"Fine, you don't need me that's fine don't ask me for no favors", yelled Martin back at her.
"You know what all I ever wanted form you Martin was your friendship, you were someone I could trust, you were always honest with me, I loved that, now I can't trust you", said Ruthie looking him directly in the eye.
Martin actually flinched at that
"What do you mean by that", yelled Martin.
He was hurt and it was making him angry. How could she say that to him? Didn't she know what her friendship meant to him?
"So you've been honest with me right Martin?", asked Ruthie with her eyes flashing in anger.
"Yes", said Martin looking at her.
He saw the hurt then the rage. Ruthie pushed him back.
"Liar", growled out Ruthie.
"You weren't honest with me, I had to learn about it from other people", yelled Ruthie.
Martin looked at her confused.
"What are you talking about", yelled Martin.
"When were you going to tell me Martin that not only did you have sex, but you got her pregnant?", asked Ruthie looking at him.
Martin closed his eyes.
"I thought so", said Ruthie picking up her bag that she threw on the ground and began walking away.
She stopped though and turned around.
"If you don't want me in your business, stay out of mine", said Ruthie.
Martin saw her walking away and ran a little bit to catch up with her grabbing her arm and spinning her around to look at him.
"No I refuse to but out of your business, that guy to too old for you and that's that", said Martin glaring.
Ruthie's eyes flashed anger.
"Stay away from me", yelled Ruthie pushing him away form her and began walking away once more.
Martin however wasn't having it and grabbed her arms.
"Don't walk away from me", yelled Martin.
"Screw you, get out of my face", yelled Ruthie trying to escape but Martin was stronger then her.
"No I won't you are not going out with him I refuse it", yelled Martin looking down at her.
He looked at her face and saw it, what he had been seeing for a while now and was scared to admit it to himself. That little something that will get them in trouble. Ruthie glared at him. Her face turned red.
"You can't tell me what to do, do you understand me, I didn't tell you to screw that girl but you did anyway, you are so worried about me making a mistake look at you, father at 18", yelled Ruthie trying to escape once more.
Her words were like a slap to his face, but he refused to let her go. He didn't understand what was driving him. He was so damn anger.
"Ruthie, don't", growled Martin.
Ruthie glared harder at him though.
"Screw you, stay out of my business, you have no right to tell me", yelled Ruthie.
"I have every damn right, I'm not going to see you hurt by that guy, so you could cry over him, do you understand me I'm not going to see you hurt", yelled Martin still not letting her go even though she was pushing him away from her.
"Stay out of my business Martin, stay out, stay out", yelled Ruthie over and over to his face.
"I can't", yelled Martin.
"Why, tell me why", yelled Ruthie.
Martin grabbed her bringing her closer to him making sure she heard everything he had to say to her.
"Because I love you", yelled Martin before grabbing her face and kissing her with all the passion that had been building up inside of him since the summer time.
He had discovered his feelings for her since that whole Vincent thing. He partly went to Simon's school to get away from the feelings of falling in love. He knew she still loved Vincent and he just couldn't handle it. He let his anger over the situation change his life forever. He made a mistake he couldn't take back. It was a mistake that he knew would cost him the one thing he wanted the most in life now, Ruthie Camden.
I remember that day vividly. That kiss, her in my arms, those things you never forget. She fit perfectly with me. I knew I found it. You know what I'm talking about. It's stronger than love its awe inspiring. It's the type of love that time will stand still for. It was the love of soul mates being together. I wish I could tell you that all ended well but unfortunately that wasn't the case. Now I will tell you of how my heart was broken and how I broke a heart too. The heart that I never had the right to break.
Martin continued to kiss Ruthie. It felt so good and so right. It felt like nothing he ever felt in his life. Ruthie pulled back. He saw tears in her eyes.
"No take it back", whispered Ruthie.
"Take them back", said Ruthie crying harder.
He didn't understand what she was talking about. He felt her falling to the ground. He knelt on the floor of the school and held her as she cried harder.
"Take it back, take it back", yelled Ruthie trying to pull out of his embrace.
"Take what back", asked Martin smoothing her slicky soft long hair back from her face.
He looked at her face that had tears falling. He felt the pain grab at his heart.
"Take the words back, take the "I love you back", take the kiss back", yelled Ruthie.
"Why?", yelled Martin.
He didn't want to take them back.
"Because we are not meant to be", yelled Ruthie.
Martin grabbed her as she tried to get up.
"Please god take them back", yelled Ruthie looking at him.
"I can't, yelled Martin.
"You have to I won't be able to go on if you don't my heart can't take the pain Martin, take them back", said Ruthie sobbing.
"I can't I love you so much I can't take them back", yelled Martin crying himself now.
He grabbed her and leaned his forehead against hers. Tears flowed down faces.
"Please Martin please", begged Ruthie looking into his eyes.
"Don't ask me that", said Martin cupping her face.
He looked at her. He felt the pain. He knew what she was asking him to do.
"She's pregnant", said Ruthie.
Martin shut his eyes.
"I know", whispered Martin.
"Take it back", yelled Ruthie clutching his shirt.
"I can't", yelled Martin.
He couldn't take the words back.
"You have to it's the only way I can survive this, please for me, please Martin", cried Ruthie holding his shirt.
"I, please don't ask me to do this, I can't stop feeling this way, please don't ask me", begged Martin.
"You have to, it's the only way I can't be with you, you can't be with me, it's the only way, I love you so much Martin but she's pregnant with your baby", chocked out Ruthie.
"I know I'm so sorry, baby I'm so sorry", cried out Martin holding unto her.
"I know I know, but you can' take it back, you are going to be a father Martin, I just wish", said Ruthie.
"Wish what?", asked Martin with tears flowing down his face.
"That it were me; that I was going to be the mother of your child. I wish it were me. I know it sounds crazy but I do. I feel like I'm supposed to be having your babies not her. So take them back please Martin please", yelled Ruthie.
"I can't", yelled Martin.
When all of this was going on they didn't notice that they had an audience.
"Wow", whispered Simon.
Sandy's eyes never left the scene in front of her. The chemistry between Martin and Simon's little sister was tangible in the air. She knew that Martin would never feel that way about her. She knew now the damage that she had done. She got in the way of true love. She wanted to hate Ruthie but she couldn't she understood actually. She understood her perfectly well.
"You have to take it back, you have to tell me that we are just friends, brother and sister then I know the pain won't be as strong, you have to tell me that so I can live to the next day without wanting to die Martin. You have to tell me that you don't love me, it's the only way", yelled out Ruthie.
Martin once again refused. She got anger at him then.
"God you have to, you are killing me. You have my heart Martin and you broke it, it won't be fixed. You broke my heart", yelled Ruthie.
She got up and ran. He didn't stop her this time. He couldn't. He cried out sobbing in the middle of the hallway. He lost everything that day.
I remember her face. I remember it till this day. It's been a little over two years since that happen. I continued to go to school. Ruthie avoided me at all costs. There were times when I saw her looking at me. The pain in her eyes killed me. It was me that did that. I hurt her so much. I remember bumping into her by accident in the halls. She fell into me and god I can't lie to you, it felt perfect to have her in my arms. She must have felt it too because she didn't move for a while. I held her and she cried in my arms again. I said I was sorry. She said she knew. She looked at me and ran her fingers through my hair. I guess it was a goodbye of sorts, but that was the last thing we said to one another. It just became too hard to be around each other.
I even remember a night that Annie Camden came to see me. She told me that Ruthie told her everything. I couldn't hold t in anymore. I cried. I cried I couldn't believe it. When Annie told me that Ruthie wasn't the same anymore, I kept telling her I was so sorry. She understood. She held me and she told me that it would work out. I wanted to believe that but I knew it wasn't true. I lost her I knew.
My god I have to go. I have to pick up my daughter. Yeah I have a little girl. She is the second female I ever fell in love with. Lillian. That's her name she is my world. I know I didn't want a baby. I mean I still believe that I was too young but my little girl has brought me joy that I had lost when I had lost Ruthie. My relationship with Sandy if you could call it that was rocky. I never argued with her when my daughter was there but that woman drives me nuts. I take care of Lillian primarily. I have her 5 days a week. I did go to college and have a baseball scholarship. What helped was the coach. He understood my situation and helped my get an apartment and a part time job. The apartment and school are paid for so the only thing I had to worry about was my daughter. That part time job that I had went solely to her. Sandy on the other hand; it seemed that she didn't want to try. When Lillian was born she didn't hold her. She didn't hold her until she was two months old. I don't understand it, she is so distant with our daughter. Aren't mothers supposed to love their children? I know I do. When I held that little girl in my arms she held my heart and never let it go. I'll guess I'll write more soon.
