Warning: pretty much crack that should not be taken seriously. Also lots of angry unnecessary swearing.

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It's a rowdy morning at Iwatobi Police Station yet again.

"Again! What the fuck? Check the security cams." Seijuurou orders.

"Chief, we already did. There's nothing." Someone replies.

"What, like it's been wiped or replaced? Or tampered with?" Seijuurou demands, leaning with a palm on the surface of someone's desk.

"No, it was running the entire time. It didn't catch any suspicious events."

"Then why the fuck are all the doors unlocked and the alarm tripped?" Seijuurou throws his hands up in the air. "And nothing is missing for tampered with?"

His question is met with silence as everyone looks at each other. "Come on guys, anything. They didn't let you live through the academy for this useless pile of nothing. If you have any information you need to speak up immediately."

"Erm." Rin sweats nervously and raises his hand.

"Matsuoka."

"Sir, I don't know if one of our boys did it or…?"

"Doesn't matter. Just say it." Seijuurou says impatiently.

"Um. There's a sticky note on my desk?" Rin says sheepishly, slightly flustered.

The chief stares at him. "What, you misplaced your stationary?"

"Well. It's… been here every morning there's been a break-in." He mutters uncomfortably.

"Are they threatening messages? Let's see them." Seijuurou motions for Rin to hand it over.

"Um…" Rin hesitates a bit, before haphazardly collecting a small pile of slightly crumpled sticky notes and holding it out to the chief.

Seinuurou snatches it up and immediately begins reading them out loud to the gathering crowd of curious officers and cadets. Rin is feeling what many people would describe as "mortified".

"'Hi, I like your hair.'" Seijuurou reads monotonously, and flips to the next one. "What the hell? 'It's really bright and pretty, I bet it's super soft.' Next one says, 'Will you let me touch it some time? I will be very careful I promise.'"

Everyone starts to laugh. Rin huffs in annoyance and points at someone random, yelling, "If one of you did it, I'm going to let you touch my hair... while I use it to STRANGLE THE LAST BREATH FROM YOUR BODY!"

There's just more laughter, and Rin isn't sure if they're laughing at him or with him.

"Shut up," Seijuurou orders very professionally and continues reading, "'Hey sorry, I hope you don't mind that I broke into your drawer to look around. Nice to meet you Officer Rin Matsuoka!'"

Seijuurou looks up at Rin with quirked eyebrows. "So someone is sporadically breaking and entering the damn police station once every month to write you sticky otes about your hair? What the hell, Matsuoka?"

Rin puts his hands up defensively. "I swear I have no idea who this is."

"Read the last one, chief!" Someone jumps up and yells, followed by loud agreement by lots of amused law enforcement personnel. Rin is very much not amused.

"Ok, last one, from this morning I assume, says, 'Sometimes when I'm sad I think about your pretty hair and it makes me feel better. Thanks.' And then there's a smiley face."

There's sitcom laughter again, and someone falls to his knees on the floor, giggling. It's Kisumi, of course. "Ohhh mannn. Rin you have a secret admirer who breaks into police stations!"

"Ok, ok. Rin, I wish you well on your new relationship. I need you, you, and you to move the security cameras and set up new ones. Definitely one by Rin's desk."

For the entire rest of the day, 4 people ask to touch Rin's hair, and when threatened with various creative methods of torture, at least 2 of them claimed it will probably be worth it. Rin's ears are probably going to be permanently warm and pink from now on.

Deciding that enough was enough, Rin spends he evening camped out by the station, keeping an eye on all entrances. Plus, they have new security up, and the sticky-note author might actually get caught this time. Rin briefly wonders why he would care. Obviously only a dangerous criminal would know how to break and enter without a trace.

No one shows up that day, or the day after. Ok, someone like that would probably vet the place to check out new security, Rin thinks. Obviously they would update security every time it happens. He stops trying to stake out the place every night, and instead leaves a sticky-note of his own under the base of his desk lamp.

A month or so later, the sticky note disappears without a trace, but no alarms are triggered. Rin hopes none of his coworkers found the sticky. That would be embarrassing. He spends the whole day feeling jumpy. Every time Seijuurou says his name, he snaps around, waiting for him to hold out the note and ask why Rin was consorting with a criminal. Since no one mentions anything, Rin assumes the cat burglar - in the sense of a cat that brings in dead rodents - had indeed taken it. Rin scoffs. Cocky bastard. It's like the alarms being set off before was done on purpose, to get attention. And now that Rin has given his attention, the mystery character sits back quietly, very content with a job well done.

Early the next morning, his personal cell rings, and he picks up immediately. But definitely not because he's been playing with it in his hands constantly since getting back from work, and fell asleep with it under his pillow. He pulls it away from his face quickly to squint at the caller ID on the too-bright screen for his sleepy-sensitive eyes. Unknown, of course. Rin feels a rush of excitement pump through his veins. Probably only because he's about to solve a mystery.

"Hello." A deep voice rasps through the phone, trickling into Rin's ear and invades his head.

"Who the hell are you?" Rin demands angrily, staring at the ceiling above his bed.

"I'm Sousuke." The voice replies evenly.

Well. That was pretty easy. Too easy. "But what's your REAL name?" Rin snarks.

Sousuke, if that's his name, laughs at the other end, genuinely delighted. "I have no reason to lie to you, Rin. My name is Sousuke Yamazaki."

Rin bristles at such a bold statement. For some reason, hearing the stranger say his name sounds strangely, uncomfortably intimate. Creepy, even. Rin is absolutely not affected by the delectable sex voice.

"Ok, and what the fuck do you hope to accomplish with these stunts?"

"Hmmm. Depends. Are they listening?"

Rin assumes he means other officers. Like what Rin should have done, instead of leaving a potential dangerous criminal his phone number.

"Yes." He lies.

"It's just you isn't it?" Sousuke chuckles. "I knew you wouldn't turn me in."

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Rin snaps back.

"I'll see you later, Rin!" Sousuke promises, and the line goes dead.

Rin gapes at his phone until the screen goes dark again. He immediately decides to he needs to know who "Sousuke Yamazaki" is right now. It's barely 5 in the morning, but he hops out of bed with vigour and skips his morning jog, going directly to the station after a few pieces of quick toast.

When he arrives, he finds that someone's stolen his parking space. Of all the empty parking spaces here at this early hour, they take his! The nerve! On a second glance, it's not even a police vehicle. It's not even a car! There's a fucking motorcycle in the middle of his parking spot. Also, there's someone sitting on the motorcycle. Great, he can tell him off then, and get his parking spot back.

He pulls into the next space a bit too jerkily with hotheaded annoyance and rolls down the window, and shouts into the chill morning air, "Hey! Get out of my parking space, punk!"

The helmeted head turns to him. The man sits back and pulls black gloves off of long slender fingers to reveal impressively large hands. Rin watches as deft fingers unclip the chin straps under the helmet with practiced ease. This guy is much bigger than him, and Rin feels a little worried for the first time.

But then the helmet comes off, and the man gives his hair a shake, tucking the helmet under an arm, an smiles an absolutely blinding smile at Rin. The red head is stunned into silence. If asked later, he'll tell you he was probably hypnotised by illegal technology because those cerulean eyes are fucking unreal.

"...Holy shit." Rin didn't mean to say that.

Mr Gorgeous-Ass Fucking-Stranger smirks at him from his confident perch upon the bike. "Like what you see?"

Rin snaps back to reality and backtracks. "Wha- No! I was just telling you to get out of my spot!"

Seriously, who the fuck is so conceited they just say that to strangers?

And then the biker says "Oh," smile fading, and for some reason Rin felt like he did something wrong.

"Because, I was just going to say, I definitely like what I see. A lot. Sorry if I sounded like a dick."

Rin stares dumbly, more confused than he's ever been in his life. What.

Mr Smoking-Hot Tall-Ass Sex-Hair smiles again and stretches a huge hand out to Rin's window. "I'm Sousuke. We... Spoke on the phone?"

Rin makes absolutely no attempt to shake that hand.

"DO YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE?" He shrieks, and Sousuke jumps a little. "Fucking hell, who the fuck does that, huh? Is this a fucking joke to you?"

Sousuke looks at him confusedly. "...No... I was trying to be romantic. Like you know. Chick flicks. And romantic comedies. And trashy fanfiction."

"Oh my sweet lord." Rin resists the urge to face-plant himself into the steering wheel out of first- and second-hand embarrassment. "Are you like a horny teenager trying to get into some school girl's panties?"

Sousuke blinks. "Well, you're not a girl. I don't think."

"I- what?" Rin does a double take. "Are... Are you saying you're a teenager?"

He's gonna go to jail for thinking about child-dick for the past 2 minutes.

"I'm 19." Sousuke says worriedly. "I'm too young, aren't I? You think I'm a kid."

Ok nevermind, he's NOT going to jail. But still. This has got to be wrong on some level tight? Like Seijuurou's probably tapped into his head and is going to arrest him for being unable to stop thinking about this kid's sex hands and sex eyes and sex voice and sex hair and wide sex shoulders and just sex. Copious amounts of sex. He's probably got a fucking monstrous cock. Of course he also rides a motorcycle and dresses in all black. Rin actually does bang his head a few times on his steering wheel, accompanied by a series of groans. Frustration. Mostly sexual frustration. Rin feels like a nearly-deceased grandparent.

"Are you ok?" Sousuke asks, leaning down to loom at Rin through the window.

"You know what?" Rin says, looking back up at Sousuke. "I won't think too much about it if you don't."

Sousuke looks surprised, then grins. "Ok. Can I touch your hair then?"

Oh fuck. Rin's nearly forgotten about this one's obsession with his hair.

"Yes, you can fucking run your bloody sex fingers through my god forsaken hair." Rin groans. "But then we are going to go somewhere and you are going to put your body parts on my body parts, preferably naked. Ok?"

Sousuke looks delighted and not the slightest bit perturbed. "Ok, deal."