Full of Grace

Buffy's thoughts as she leaves Sunnydale...and Angel.

My God, did I really do that? Is this real? I... it takes my breath away, Angel. I'm so sorry. I love you so much, I miss you. I wish I could have gone with you. There's nothing left for me here, anyway. You were--are--my whole world. My mother...my mom doesn't even want me around anymore. There's the sign, telling me I'm leaving Sunnydale. As if I didn't know...as if it wasn't painfully obvious..
You were the only thing that kept me going, did you know that, Angel? You were the only thing that kept me alive all those times. Your love, your ring. I still have it. I still wear it. I'm still yours. But you're not mine anymore, are you? Are you anyone's? What are they doing to you down there, and, dammit, why can't I stop them? Why couldn't I stop you? This can't be how it was meant to be. Can it? God, I miss you so much. Your eyes...you thought I betrayed you. You didn't know...you couldn't...I did betray you. We should be together...but I'm weak. I'm running, Angel, I'm running from you, from Giles, from my mom, from my friends...from my duties...maybe I wasn't supposed to be a Slayer. Do they make mistakes like that? I miss them, Angel. I want to be with my friends. I know what I'm doing isn't right...I'm worried. I'm worried that they'll get hurt..what if they can't fight? What if they get killed..? Or maybe...or maybe I'm worried they'll do okay without me. Angel, I feel like no one needs me..I can't live if no one needs me...what will I do? I'm so lost...I just want to let go...I want to stop thinking, I need to stop moving, I need to sleep...but I can't. Something, somewhere inside me won't let me.
I'm not strong enough to do this. Should I go back? I don't think I could. Where would I go? Not to school. Duh...not home. I wonder if I'll ever see my home again. I wonder if I'll ever see my mom again. I love her. Do you think she loves me? Do you think she knows how much I care? I hope she knows. I hope they all know how hard it is leaving them.
I hope Giles doesn't hate me. I can almost see the disappointment in his eyes, the hurt. He'll blame me when I don't come back. He'll put on a good face for the rest of them, but inside he'll always be angry at me. It'll always be my fault. It IS my fault. Oh, God, Angel, what the hell am I going to do? Why aren't you here to guide me? I need you. I...
Please don't be mad, Angel. Please don't be mad. I'm moving on. Okay? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but I have to move on. If I keep thinking to you this way..I'll never be able to function.
Friends, mom, please don't hate me. I love you. I...maybe I'll be back. Maybe I won't. Either way, I'm sorry for the pain I've caused. I have to move on. I'm taking off the ring, Angel. I'll keep it, but I'm not going to wear it. I can't be reminded..
So I guess that's it...this is goodbye. Goodbye.

("If all of the strength and all of the courage, come and lift me from this place, I know I could love you much better than this, full of grace...it's better this way....I'm pulled down by the undertow, I never thought I could feel so low, and oh, darkness, I feel like letting go.."-Sarah McLachlan, Full of Grace)