Legal Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda. If I did, I'd be a whole lot richer. All I own is the plot and the odd, demented souls that happen to be my original characters. Also, all random hyphenazation and random capitalizing is done intentionally, and if you don't particularly like this chapter, it gets better and weirder as the story goes on. Now, on with this tale!


The Legend of Zelda: The Attack of Copy Raikua!

Chaos, Insanity, and a Bunch of Other Stuff! The Authoress in Hyrule!

Once upon a time, in a land nowhere near Hyrule, Raikua, also known as The Authoress, was bored. Bored beyond all earthly boredom. It was the Grand Boredom of all boredom. She was bored. And on top of that, she needed inspiration for a fanfiction. She was really out of inspiration. So as she, for possibly the zillionth or maybe even septillionth time, surfed the web for how to get the Triforce even though she knew it was quite impossible to get, she spied a particularly devious cheat code and got an idea. A lovely, mean idea. It was a highly amusing, lovely, mean idea, and Raikua had thought of it, which in her book made it a pretty good idea, though I assure you that her muse would disagree with that. She stared at the code for a particularly short moment, and then, with a wicked grin, she used an odd magical device called a Gameshark…


In the middle of the Kokiri Forest in Hyrule, Link was having a nightmare. He knew what this meant, though he didn't quite know how exactly he knew this. It meant that Raikua was playing Zelda again for the billionth time, and most likely needed inspiration for a fanfiction. Again, don't ask how he knew this. Authors don't like it when you point out plot holes, no matter how large and gaping they may be. The dream seemed a bit different though from the ones he normally had. For one, Impa raced out on a pink hippopotamus, instead of her white horse. And Zelda was dressed as a certain character from a certain anime that a certain author, namely Raikua, certainly liked. Basically, dear Zelda looked remarkably like Sailor Moon. It was most creepy. Ganondorf was replaced by a very short girl with very red hair with a very evil look on her face. Suddenly, Link jolted awake, his heart pounding thumpily in his chest cavity. The horror, the horror! "That girl!" He thought, and our very brave, not to mention confused, hero tried to think who in the world it could be. Suddenly it came to him. "It's the Authoress' evil clone, Copy Raikua! Copy Raikua is more evil than The Authoress, who's more evil than Navi, who's more evil than Ganondorf!" Again, a plot hole that the Authoress would just prefer you'd ignore. Anyway, our hero jolted awake with a thumpity heart and at that precise moment an electric-blue fairy, namely Navi, wandered into the room.

"Wake up! The future of Hyrule can't depend on such a lazy boy!" Link stared at her, wondering how retarded she could be and where he left his spare car keys, even though nobody in Hyrule could be bothered to invent a car, let alone the keys to one. "How retarded can you be? I'm already awake!"

"Oh…. The Great Deku Tree wants to see you, because…. Erm…. Yeah…. Okays…. Come on! Be brave! Let's go into the Great Deku Tree!" And with that word, Link and Navi set off on an adventure to the Great Deku Tree!

Meanwhile, back at Raikua's House, Raikua was busy staring at the Zelda game and eyebrow twitching, which was something that happened quite a lot actually. Copy Raikua. She was in Hyrule. And it was probably her fault too. That was not good. Wherever Copy Raikua went, disaster was sure to follow. Copy Raikua happened to be Raikua's evil clone, for everyone needs an evil clone in their lives. Now it's time for a completely useless bit of semi-coherent back-story! One day, while Raikua was surfing the Internet, her computer froze. She desperately tried to un-freeze it, but nothing seemed to work and the computer was, in fact, getting rather worse. Then, in a bout of frustration, she spilled a whole bunch of chocolate milk on her keyboard. Immediately, she began typing more stuff, to see if her keyboard was broken. It was, since it seemed to be sparking dangerously and smoking. But suddenly, the monitor turned a lovely shade of blue and a sound like a cross between evil laughter and a hyena was heard. A figure not entirely unlike Raikua's appeared and came cheerfully out of the computer. It was Copy Raikua, the nearly exact copy of Raikua. The only physical difference was that Raikua was a blonde, while Copy Raikua had bright red hair. Oh, and one was slightly more evil.

"Hi! I'm Copy Raikua, your nearly exact evil clone! I'll be pestering you from here on out, so please fasten your seatbelts, and secure any personal belongings you may have in the bag-thingy on the chair in front of you! We hope that you have a pleasant stay here on Copy Raikua's Evil Airplane, and we hope that you ride with us again! Thank you, and I must be off to take over some small digital island! Have a nice ride!" And with those words, Copy Raikua disappeared into Electronic Land, and Raikua found herself on an airplane heading to Venezuela. But that's an entirely different story; let's continue this one.

As Raikua stared at the TV screen, her best friend/librarian/muse, Nightshade Regruu, to be called Regruu, walked into the room. She was a whole lot taller than Raikua, though most people were taller than the maniacal otaku, with very short black hair that happen to have a purple streak in it for no particular reason other than the fact that Raikua thought it looked good. In another accident involving chocolate milk, Raikua had pulled Regruu out of a silly little manga she was drawing. But luckily, Regruu wasn't evil like Copy Raikua –or if she was, she kept her evilness well hidden-, so Raikua trusted her with her most secret ideas, missions, and secrets.

"What are you doing Raikua?" Regruu asked boredly, sipping a rather pleasant-tasting soda that had far too much sugar in it for her own good.

"Copy Raikua took over my game when I accidentally used a bunch of Gameshark codes I found on the Internet." Raikua said excitedly. Regruu thought for a moment.

"Well…You probably got them from Copy Raikua's personal website…What was the site's name?" Raikua also thought for a moment.

"It was Copy-Raikua's-Evil-Cheats-that-Will-Cause-a-Whole-Lot-of-Interesting-Stuff-to-Happen-to-Your-Game. Dot con, I think." Regruu stared balefully at her for a moment, sipped on her saccharine soda again, and then glanced at the game, a frown darkening the muse's face as she pondered her mistress' sheer stupidity.

"Yep, that's one of her sites. Now, what are you gonna do?"

"What else can I do? I'm going in the game," The short girl said dramatically, as if she were about to embark on an epic quest involving elves, Sages, and plenty of bishounen, which, of course, she was.

"Come on, Raikua. Get serious. You can't go into Nintendo games. It's physically impossible," Regruu said, in a slightly worried, panicky sort of tone reserved for whenever Raikua was about to do something that threatened her existence, which was pretty much every moment of her waking life and some of her sleeping ones as well.

"Why not? Copy Raikua can do it. All I need to do is to..." Raikua thought for a moment, chewing absentmindly on an unlucky strand of hair. "...Spill some chocolate milk on it, along with peach juice, sugar, and a bunch of warm buttery popcorn."

"And how in the world is that supposed to work?" Regruu questioned, staring dubiously at her young master as if she were quite mad. It should be interesting to note that the muse often found the opportunity to stare at her mistress like that, most likely because young Raikua was actually quite mad and a bit silly as well.

"Well...I think chocolate milk on electronic devices may allow me to enter the Digital/Electronic World or whatever. However, it would also make another almost-exact evil clone of me maybe and that is not good. To prevent that possibility, I have come to decide that peach juice would counteract the chocolate milk. But since peach juice smells funny, that is where the sugar comes into play. Since sugar is possibly the best substance on the face of the world, I will sprinkle it on the peach juice. Somehow, it is bound to reduce the peachy odor." Raikua replied in one breath, sounding quite like a science teacher of hers, though her science teachers tended to make a lot more sense.

"And what is the popcorn for?" Regruu asked, wondering how this whole ordeal would work and whether or not it would make a large explosion that she would have to clean up after. "It tastes very, very good! I will teach the inhabitants of Hyrule all about the wonderful, glorious, buttery thing that is popcorn!"

"Oh...I see...I think" And the odd two, one a deranged authoress, the other a rather uncreative muse, set off to find where they could get peach juice in the middle of winter.

Thus, Raikua embarked on a noble quest for truth and justice. Well, it wasn't really for truth; it was more for the fame, money, and scantily-clad men. Oh, and there wasn't much justice involved. It was mostly an odd sort of vague injustice, if anything. It wasn't that noble either. Come to think of it, it wasn't so much a quest as a curiously odd little voyage into the semi-known, but she did embark on it, whatever it was. Will she succeed? Will her almost-exact evil clone be banished from the realm of Hyrule? And when will we get to the nice bit about the angry fangirls and the most ingenious and slightly improbable plan to ascend the throne? Does anybody really care?