True Love
By: MaidM
I was watching Nerve and The Hidden Memory recently, when my sister pointed out that Gilina gets so little recognition. She was so…nice. She did everything she could to save them, putting her life in jeopardy so that John and Aeryn could live. And did she even get a thank you? No, SHE DIES! GRARG! So I decided to write something about her. I realize this probably shouldn't count as an ode to Gilina as this story is all about her feeling bad, but it was the best I could do. I just can't see her actually going with them ending well. So, here goes. This one is for you, Gilina!
I lived with the crew of Moya for just over a cycle. John persuaded me to come with him after we escaped from the Gammack base. Honestly, I didn't need mush persuading. I loved John dearly then, and I think I thought that he loved me. Escaping with him felt like an adventure. He was the hero, and I was the lowly servant he was gallant enough to love. I didn't know about fairy tales then, but I still think I felt like I was in one.
I cried when John and D'Argo were left, orbiting helplessly in the vacuum of space. I helped Zhaan and Rygel and Chiana look for them, using my knowledge of technology to break Zhaan out of jail when she was captured on Litigara. I have never felt joy like I felt when we found the others again.
After that, I spent every night with John in his quarters. We talked, and we made love, and sometimes we just slept. It was those times that I miss now more than any.
It started small with Aeryn and John, so small I could easily pretend not to notice. When we all switched bodies and I caught John looking at himself in Aeryn, when they emerged from his module, Aeryn angry and John shamed, when Aeryn seemed adamant against John marrying the princess on the royal planet. I only wanted him to live.
Things got worse from there. Glances, excuses to touch each other. Guilty looks when I entered a room they were alone in. I knew it was done for me after we destroyed the shadow depositary. Guilt was screaming on their faces when they returned, and John insisted we make love that night. We hadn't done so for too long for me not to be suspicious.
After that I started looking for excuses to leave. But always there seemed a reason to stay one more solar day. Then it happened. Aeryn died.
I held John when he cried, held his hands when he tried to use them to hurt himself, forced him to eat, sleep, bathe. I supported his decision when he went to get the neural chip removed. I hated seeing my love being taken over by that monster, even if I was not his love any more.
But Aeryn came back. She came back. Even death can't separate them, it seems.
So while John was busy telling Aeryn how much he missed her, I left. I took one of Moya's transport pods. I will return it somehow. I promised myself that. I just didn't want to be in the way.
I live by myself now. I get jobs here and there, stay away from peacekeeper territory, tell myself I will go back someday to return Moya her transport pod. I do not regret my decision of leaving. I do not even regret living with John for that painful year. For with my time on Moya I learned what true love was, even though I could never be part of it.
