She found him alone in the observation deck, sitting sprawled in front of the broad picture window. The light in the room was muted, causing the pale blue ethereal waves of FTL travel to send shadows dancing around the deck. She'd heard rumors he'd been spending most of his time here since coming back aboard the Normandy, apart from the rest of the crew. She wondered if he was still brooding about Udina, second guessing himself the way he second guessed everything.
He didn't turn to look at her as she drew up alongside him, but he acknowledged her just the same.
"Shepard."
"Kaidan.. do you have a minute to talk?" she asked quietly, studying his profile from where she stood next to him. His normally gentle face seemed strained, and his gaze appeared unfocused as he watched the lights outside the window.
"Maybe later, ok Commander?" he replied tightly.
Normally she would have respectfully left him in peace, but today something was gnawing at her, and she didn't feel like returning to the CIC deck. Instead, she moved to sit next to him on the bench. He didn't protest, and for a moment they sat together in silence until Shepard turned to study him again. He seemed acutely uncomfortable under her gaze, and he sighed and squinted his eyes miserably.
"Is it your head?" she asked suddenly, remembering the migraines his L2 implant often gave him.
"Yeah," he murmured, and she instantly regretted bothering him.
She stood to leave, mumbling an apology, but his hand on her wrist stopped her.
"Stay, Shepard," he said, finally looking up at her. "I'm sorry. It's not bad, I saw Dr. Chakwas earlier.. and you being here makes me feel better, too."
He managed a crooked little smile and she relented, slowly sitting down next to him once more.
For a long moment they sat together, his hand comfortably resting on hers as the Normandy hummed quietly around them.
When he finally spoke again, it jolted her from a drowse she hadn't realized she was slipping in to.
"Liara said you haven't been sleeping well. Are you ok?"
The uncomfortable feeling in her gut that had been bothering her since leaving Earth suddenly roiled inside her, making her breath catch in her throat. She stood abruptly, pulling away from Kaidan's hand to lean against the railing at the window, her back to him.
"No, I'm not."
She hadn't admitted that to anyone, and it hurt to say. Her chest seemed tight as she continued, the memories of what she'd seen as the Normandy escaped the Reaper invasion flashing before her eyes.
"I keep having this dream," she said, her eyes open but unfocused as the vision replayed itself inside her head.
"There was a boy, back on Earth.. he was alone, like I was. When we were leaving, I watched him climb inside a shuttle and I thought, 'he's going to be alright'.. and then a Reaper cut it in two. I watched him die, right there. He was probably only 7 or 8."
"Shepard that wasn't your-" Kaidan tried to interject, but she pushed forward, the words spilling out.
"In my dream, I'm in a forest. Everything is gray, ash. Everything is dead. I can see shadows moving in the trees. They're talking, but I can't understand what they're saying. I heard Ashley talking to me, I recognized her voice, but nothing she said made any sense. And then I see the boy, the same one from Earth, but he's running away from me. I try to run after him, to save him, but my legs won't move right. He stops, and when I catch up to him, he looks up at me and he's burning.. he's burning, and-"
She hadn't heard him get up, and his hand on her shoulder made her jump. She turned and he was standing in front of her, inches between them. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself against his chest. She wanted him to wrap his arms around her while she buried her face against him, but years of military training and protocol held both of them back. He took his hand away and looked down at her, his brown eyes full of understanding.
"I'm sorry," she muttered, unhappy with herself for appearing weak. "It's just a dream."
"Don't," he replied softly. "Shepard you can tell me anything. I'm the one who should be sorry. I should have seen you needed to talk. I shouldn't have brushed you off earlier."
"You had a headache," she smirked lightly.
"I don't know what's worse, it or you," he snorted.
"Are you saying I'm a big pain, or what?" she mused, feigning annoyance.
"You know what I mean," he growled.
"Do I?"
That electric feeling she got whenever she was near him was creeping up her arms, making her heart beat a little quicker, and the distance between them wasn't helping. She was suddenly very aware of how alone they were in the room.
It seemed that Kaidan had come to that realization as well, as he closed the gap between them and wrapped her up in his arms. The feel of him pressed against her sent a wild rush through Shepard's body and she encircled her arms around his shoulders. Their lips met, hungry for this stolen moment. Kaidan's hand moved up her back, his fingers drifting across her neck until he had cupped her cheek.
He gently ended their kiss, brushing his thumb across her cheek as he looked into her eyes. She wondered if he could feel how he made her heart pound inside her chest. It was beating so hard she felt almost lightheaded.
"I've been wanting to do that since you came to see me in the hospital," he whispered.
"I've been waiting for you to."
"I think you should go lie down now," he said with a smile.
"I think you should come with me," she replied, half joking since she already knew what his response would be. They were both aware they were still on an Alliance vessel, and under military orders.
"You know I can't," he said, although there was a regretful edge to his tone.
Saying this seemed to make him realize their current situation, and he slowly let her go, straightening his uniform.
She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed.
"We've still got a couple of hours before we reach the Citadel, I guess I could try to take a nap."
"If we're spending any time there, I'd like to buy you a drink, if that's OK."
She smiled at him.
"I'd like that."
