What kind of person am I? What kind of mother could I ever be? I'm lying here on this bed, my almost flat stomach cold with the gel and your tiny image on the screen beside me and I can't even bring myself to look at you. My baby. My flesh and blood. A tiny little person safe inside my womb.

You're so unexpected. Such a shock. I've wanted you for so long but to find out you are here…to be late, to feel the nausea, to see the two lines on that test which confirmed your existence within me and now to see your perfect image on the screen next to me…nothing has ever shaken me like that…or torn my heart so much. I never thought I'd wonder whether to not have a child if I ever found myself in this situation, but now I can't do anything else. I can barely bring my eyes to look at your tiny little body and properly acknowledge you within me. Nothing has ever broken my heart more my darling little one. It's as if I'm living in denial.

You daydream about motherhood when you're young. I did so many times. I pictured the loving husband by my side as I took the test that would tell us I was carrying our child and the joy we would feel when it came up positive. I always pictured someone at my side to comfort me when I was scared, to lie with me as our child kicked inside me, his ear against my stomach talking to the baby as it let us know it was there, both of us so excited that in a few short months we'd be holding you in our arms. I pictured having someone to hold me during difficult moments and rub my back and tummy as the pregnancy progressed and you grew safely inside me. Something so wonderful. A blessing I always wanted. Instead I took the test alone in a hospital toilet cubicle, fear gripping me because a man I now despise could be your father. I cried because I wish you never existed…not now…not if you're his and now I find myself wanting to cry again because I should be so happy and I'm not. I always wanted you and I'm wishing you weren't here. I'm just numb and wishing you away and I hate myself for that.

Maggie's so excited. She's such a natural mother and such a good friend to me even though I can't admit it to her just yet. She's doing her best to support me and to help me through this and all I can give her back sometimes is sarcasm and anger because I'm too afraid to let anyone close to me anymore even though I want to try. I need Maggie more than I ever admit. She's my best friend and my rock. I shouldn't need that support though should I? I shouldn't need someone to help me find the good in this. Most mums to be are happy when they find out that they're pregnant, but Maggie's more excited than I am. It shouldn't be that way should it?

Ultrasounds should be so magical. Don't get me wrong I'm in awe when I see you on that screen during the brief moment I let my eyes take your picture in…the moment I let my guard down and some of the maternal feelings I've been suppressing come to the surface. I can feel my heart beating so fast when Maggie points out your little arms, and your strong heartbeat and I share her excitement just for a split second when I forget who could be your father and see you for the tiny, vulnerable baby you are but then reality dawns. You're so big. Too big to be the child of the man I love. Instead you're the child of a man that has caused me so much hurt and once again I wonder how I could bring into this world a child who is a piece of him, no matter how much love I feel for you when I see you so perfectly formed on the screen at my side.

I sit up and quickly rub off the gel, as if trying to wash away your existence once again and any trace of maternal feeling that I felt when I saw your picture on that screen. I cover up my tummy and brace myself as Maggie tells me what I already knew…that Nathan is your father, not Harry and then the tears come again in torrents. Who would have thought I'd be so emotional? But then you are my baby after all.

'It means there's no doubt who the father is…I'm not sure I can keep it…" I tell Maggie feeling so broken as she explains how old you are. I break down into sobs as once again my world is shattered.

The many tears are for you my darling child. For the baby that I so want to keep, for the mother that I so want to be and mostly for the fact that I'm not sure I can bring something so beautiful and so wanted into this world no matter how much it would pain me not to do so. Please don't think I don't love you. Don't think I don't lay there at night with a hand on my stomach picturing you inside me. I've done that since the moment I first thought that you may be here. Please don't think that I hate you and that is why I'm considering letting you go either my sweetheart. I hate your father. I hate how much he's hurt me and I hate myself for loving him but you…you I could never hate.

In the brief time I've known of your existence I've been in turmoil, not knowing what to do but I promise you that you are wanted. No matter how cold I may appear about your existence deep down there are so many emotions I'm keeping at bay in case I can't have you. Emotions that would make it harder for me to let go. In the moments I've stood at work with my hand on my tummy thinking of you you've always been wanted my little baby. I just don't know if I can have you and I ask that you please forgive me, because like I said if I even have to think that, what kind of mother would I be?