Making Memories Of Us
Chapter One: Unsure
Annie Walker always seemed so sure, so confident in her decisions. In fact, this was what made her the ideal agent – if something went wrong, she was a professional at figuring out what to do, how to solve the problems, and in the agency, this was a particular skill sought often.
And even though she was always prepared for anything that might come up, she was actually quite unsure of herself. It wasn't something that most people saw – more often than not, she kept people far away enough so that they wouldn't know.
Yes, on the surface, Annie was strong, sure, secure. But on the inside, she was unsure. She experienced insecurities. But no insecurities compared to the apprehensiveness experienced after Sri Lanka.
Maybe it was seeing Ben again – she thought she was over him with the riddance of the cryptic note and a puka shell bracelet. But seeing him…just knowing the memories shared, and the memories that were made…it was enough to pull her under again. She wanted to get over him, completely, to be free, so much.
But as long as Ben owned that small piece of her heart dedicated to him, she wouldn't be able to love anyone else as much as she loved Ben. It was almost as if by controlling that piece of her, he controlled her entire life. She wasn't sure if she could ever forgive him for that, but deep down, Annie knew that she would.
She wanted to let him go, she did. Annie had tried – a few dates here and there, but they always ended disastrously. Like the date with Conrad that ended with him trying to kiss her…she had pulled back, feeling that it wasn't right. He was moving too fast, and it had left her with an impending fear of her own insecurities.
What if she never got over Ben? What would she do then? She knew that a life with him was impossible – it was only destined to end in her heart breaking even more. And after living with so much pain, she wasn't sure she could handle it for an even longer period of time.
Her fears were natural, and it made working for the CIA much easier. They preferred less risk people – instead of having to worry about covering things up more for family members, or spouses. She was starting to miss home, miss the paradoxical normalcy of her life, actually going out on missions.
But for now, she was chained to her desk. Joan's orders from higher-ups had been to keep Agent Walker on the quiet side until she was cleared once more, psychologically, physically, and emotionally. Physically, she was fine, except for a few minor scrapes and bruises – nothing unusual.
Psychologically, she had been cleared after a couple sessions with a therapist – it was just mostly debriefing, but more on the end of her own state, not necessarily how the missions had turned out.
Emotionally, though, she still was acting socially inept. It was as if something inside her had been broken while re-meeting Ben, knowing him once more, just like those two weeks spent lounging on the beach. Anytime anybody came into close contact, she would naturally retreat, wanting to hide from people.
This was the only reason she was still doing desk work. She needed to find her trust in someone again. Auggie was there for her every single step of the way, but nevertheless, it seemed like she was never going to get better. She was literally stuck.
A rut. What Annie needed was a change, and quickly – the longer she was between two haystacks, the more likely she would end up shriveling away into simple paperwork. She could not – would not – have that happen to her.
However, that was Annie's problem in the first place – she couldn't cause change within herself. Try as she may, it wasn't happening. Someone needed to be her catalyst, and that was something that frustrated Annie so much – too much. How was it that she, CIA-agent extraordinaire, solver of problems, couldn't push herself to cause change?
It was all a giant routine. Go to work, meet Auggie inside, walk together, go to their respective desks, fill out paperwork until a hand cramp occurs, go to lunch with Auggie, get back, fill out more paperwork, have Auggie ask if she wants to go to the tavern, and finally, head to the tavern, a few drinks, and home awaits.
Speaking of Auggie and the tavern, it was almost 4pm. Which meant….
"Hey, Annie, drinks at the tavern tonight?" Auggie asked, standing at her desk, looking dapper as usual. It was moments like these that Annie would remember that Auggie had once been an agent too – he had been imperceptible to her own skills, but now that she knew the usual schedule, there was nothing to be said about his unpredictability.
"Sure. Meet you at your desk after I'm done with all of this….paperwork?" Annie asked. She hated admitting that for now, she was just a part of the paperwork filling out personnel, instead of the agent she was meant to be.
"…sounds great," Auggie hesitated, and Annie picked up on it, but she didn't worry about it. With a smile, Auggie was off, back to work. Annie sighed – it was looking like another usual day today.
As five o'clock rolled around, Annie got up and stretched, fixed her skirt, and made sure everything was in place. Not like it truly mattered – Auggie wouldn't notice if anything slight was unusual with her, or at least, her outfit.
Suddenly, Annie realized what she was doing. She was making herself look pretty for Auggie – her best friend, her confidante, and someone who wouldn't be able to see her outfit. She felt foolish. Shame seemed to rise from her heart and up to her cheeks, as a blush fell onto them. However, she let her confidence drive herself – calm down, she told herself, and as always, her body listened and the creeping disgrace was gone as quickly as it had appeared.
A quick walk to Auggie's desk further pushed the thought of primping for Auggie out of her mind and into the boroughs of her subconscious. She wasn't going to worry about it now, and if she had her way, she wouldn't ever have to worry about it again.
A quick tap on Auggie's shoulder, he sprung up, surprised.
"Annie! Didn't….hear you there," he said with a shrug.
"Sorry – I didn't mean to surprise you. Ready to get going?" Annie asked, smiling at Auggie.
"It's already five? Well, okay then. This encryption will have to wait – it's not urgent anyway," Auggie explained as he pressed a couple keys, and he stood up, placing his coat on his shoulders. It would more than likely be chilly now, and he had always been susceptible to the flu – he didn't want to risk getting sick.
It was only November, but then again, there was also the distinct possibility of a sudden burst of winter taking everyone by surprise. The walk to the tavern was a quick one, yet sure enough, Annie had been chilled down to her bone. By the time they arrived, she was practically snuggling into Auggie's natural warmth.
Stepping inside, both were greeted with sweet and much needed warmth. It was a welcome greeting to the rest of the night – and something inside Annie seemed to say that tonight, maybe something could finally change.
"Annie, are you sure that a second shot is a good idea?" Auggie asked as Annie had called for the bartender to bring her second shot of the night. Was she trying to get drunk?
"Of course I'm sure – it's been a tough week for me, Aug, and I really need this. I don't think you understand," Annie said with a slight shrug as she grabbed her shot glass and downed the liquid inside.
Looking at Auggie after her statement, she realized he had tensed visibly, and his eyes had darkened considerably. "Come on, let's go before you decided to get hammered." He said as he pulled her with him outside. Annie didn't want to go, but she didn't want to cause a scene, so she complied with Auggie's well-wishing and went with him.
Once outside, Auggie seemed to let go of his façade of careful control. "Listen, Annie, you don't think I know how you feel? I'm blind. I used to be just like you, excited for every single mission every single day being so unpredictable. Then Tikrit happened, and surprise, surprise, I got stuck being the paperwork boy until Joan found a suitable place for me. So don't you dare say I don't understand because I do." He ranted until every single emotion kept inside about Annie's situation had been released.
"I'm sorry Aug….I didn't know…I didn't know that I was being so stupid," Annie looked down and felt everything coming forward, everything stored inside, until, sure enough, tears began emerging from her eyes. She didn't know she was holding this all inside, until this conversation had pushed her to see the reality of the situation.
"Hey, hey, listen, I'm sorry for making you cry." Auggie apologized as Annie began crying, letting go, finally – he crushed her into a hug, and tried to comfort her.
Finally, Annie's mind seemed to say. It was relief. Like she was finally ready – ready to let go, to move on, to let her lost love go.
And maybe it was the drunkenness, the slight buzz coursing through his veins, or maybe it was acceptance – but he leaned down to kiss her.
It was as if something inside Annie blossomed – the idea of Ben, loving him, seemed to disappear into depths unknown. And in its place was the finality of pure honesty.
Finally. Finally. Finally.
There was nothing wrong about kissing her best friend – it was relieving her instead of causing damage. Finally – no guilt, nothing. Nothing was wrong about this – or if there was something wrong, it didn't register right now, Auggie's lips soft, hesitant, yet urging against hers. It was almost like a promise of things to come if given the chance.
Disconnecting their lips, Auggie cleared his throat. "I'm not taking advantage of you, I'm sorry," he said quickly, putting distance between them.
Disappointment filled Annie – in fact, it was probably visible on her face. Her mind had been reeling in the feelings, celebrating, but now, it had ceased to be filled with contentment.
"No, no, no…." Annie drifted off, and tried to pull Auggie closer to her, but he refuted.
"Sorry Annie – but if we're going to even do this, I want to be sober. And I want to take you on an actual date – not this usual tavern routine." Auggie admitted to her as he let her invade his space, but only a little bit – he wasn't going to take advantage of her once more, kissing her senseless.
"Aug?" Annie asked softly, pressing into him, wanting to garner more of his scent, his pureness and warmth.
"Hmmm?" He responded, trying not to be pulled in by her.
"Thank you," Annie said. "Thank you for everything. This might've been exactly what I needed. Thank you for the finality."
Finally, this was practically the start of a new chapter. Annie vowed not to forget Ben – not to forget the fervor with which she had loved him, but now, she didn't feel the same.
Finally, something had changed.
And finally, maybe, Auggie and she could be something else, something better – something worthwhile, magical, and memorable.
Annie was going to take a chance and take a shot at love once more.
A/N: Hello fellow Covert Affairs fans! So...as much as I love Rememberance, it might still be a while to update - I just don't feel quite right updating yet. It's a strange feeling, I admit, one that I am not sure from which it came. Sigh. But in other news, welcome to my newest project, Making Memories Of Us! Yay! :D
Hmmm...what else? Well, methinks you should read and possibly review. Helps the muse, you know? And encouragment would be awesome! And by the way, this story is meant to be all snippets - literally, memories of "us". This was the first one because I basically closed my eyes and jabbed a finger at my laptop screen and it landed on the word "unsure" - from there, it was cake. Haha. And I make no promises that this will be in order. Knowing how sporadic I am, they more than likely won't be in any particular order. You guys are just gonna have to deal with it.
So, show me some love, please, and stick around for the ride.
-Audrey
