Author's note: This is my first fanfiction that has ever been published, so I'm not really sure how this is going to turn out. But I welcome reviews or whatever you'd like to throw at me.
I-naturally-don't own anything that has to do with Mass Effect (unfortunately, or else 3's ending would've been completely different). All I own is Cai Shepard. (Elunaa belongs to my sister and credit goes to her). This is purely for fun and is no way trying to claim anything of Mass Effect for myself. I hope you enjoy.
So for all those that have favorited and followed this story before, hello again if you got notified of this. I added and changed some things of this story since I noticed things that were rather wonky or awkward when I wrote it 3 years ago. If any of you decide to read it again, I hope you enjoy it.
When you're staring death in the face, your life flashes before your eyes.
Cai Shepard had never believed that sentence before. This was due mostly to her greeting Death every day, like an old friend. The tarnished and chipped N7 dog tags around her neck should be proof on how much she had been through. Atop the catalyst, she stood at her end realizing how far she had come through her years. She had survived that attack on Mindoir from the slavers, losing her parents at a young age and believing for many years that her sister Elunaa had perished along with them. Even through all that, her life had never flashed before her eyes and never once did she shed a tear. She had believed that her family wouldn't want her to cry. She could have sworn that she heard her mother's voice in her ear whispering to her while she stays cooped up in a cargo container:
Cai, be strong, My Child.
She still couldn't recall how many days had passed before she was found and rescued by an Alliance Military soldier called down to Mindoir in order to clean up the dead bodies and wreckage. Her only goal had been from then on to join the Alliance Military to hopefully save people like that man had saved her. After joining a few years later officially, Cai had earned the clearance to learn that her sister had survived and had taken refuge on Earth as an orphan.
It must run in the family Cai remembered thinking upon hearing about her sister having joined the Alliance Military as well.
Despite this coincidence, the Shepard sisters' service had never been run-of-the-mill. Elunaa found herself in the midst of the Skyllian Blitz where she had rallied the colonists against the invaders, sealing the breach single-handedly when they had broken through the colony's defenses. While Cai found herself with the horrid memory of Akuze on her mission history. No matter how hard she had tried, she couldn't forget that? Who could? Her whole entire unit had been wiped out by a thresher maw. She was the only one who had returned, but, never once did Commander Shepard shed a tear. Not when Ashley decided to stay on Virmire, Kaiden deciding to be by her side in the end. Not when Legion died at the Collector base. Not when her crew was processed to power a Reaper, and not even when she evacuated Earth and hundreds died right in front of her eyes.
That isn't to say that it didn't weigh heavily on her heart, that it didn't haunt her while she slept. She had nightmares almost every night of the choices she had made. The what if's were enough to make anyone go inside, constantly screaming in her head over and over again. Could she have saved them all? What changes could she have made? Would it have made a difference? In the silence of her cabin, she had berated herself over and over. Some hero she was... During the nightmares, they called. Those that had died, those that had sacrificed themselves. Some of these shades she was sure her guilt had created just to torment her more. Then there was that child on Earth that had ran from her and that she had watched die. She ran so slow in those dreams, running to give them help. She hoped at least in her dream, she might be able to help that child, help someone... just to alleviate some of the soul-crushing guilt... to no avail.
Shepard!
Help me!
...I'm proud to have been under your command.
Don't worry, it'll be okay.
You're a good kid. I'm proud of you.
It had been like trying to run in waist-high water, no matter how fast she tried to move she hadn't even been able to help the shades of her mind.
Shepard blinked and the world came back into focus. Having realized that she had been in her thoughts this whole time, the guilt set in once more, remembering everything and feeling the harsh sting of the old wounds opening up in her psyche. Her blue eyes darted around the space that she had been standing on; atop the Citadel, right... it was like the control base for the whole entire place. Ironic that this "Catalyst" that they had been searching for this whole time had been right under their noses. Her choices were still splayed in front of her. One choice and the cycle with the Reapers would be broken... but one choice and the galaxy would change forever. She could save, or destroy, the lives that were fighting this war.
Control. Synthesis. Destroy. Three simple words that one might use relatively frequent in their lives. Now, these three simple words were heavier than anything she had ever known.
If she chose "control" she would be dead and all of her knowledge would be collectively gathered into the Reaper's knowledge. She wouldn't be aware of herself, have no feelings, or anything. Commander Cai Shepard would be truly dead. Yet, there was so much knowledge to be shared and gained in the Reapers-the Illusive Man had been right about that. Was that even her choice to make though? The Reapers had taken so much from so many families, so would it be right to let them "live" and be controlled when so many families and planets perished because of them? When a whole entire species was annihilated from them? No. Cai knew she couldn't do that. Knowledge or no. That was against her morals and it was a slap in the face to those valiant soldiers who had died to give her the chance to make it this far. Like Anderson...
Like Anderson...
He had sat in his final moments, staring at Earth's beauty with that gaping wound in his abdomen. Shepard had wondered whether he was too far gone to feel pain, or if he was just coming to terms with his inevitable death? There had been a serene smile on his face, remaining even after he drew his final breath. It was like he knew everything was going to be okay. Now, Anderson would never get to see his hometown rebuild... and it was all her fault. He would never get to show her London like he wanted. Yes, she knew that she was controlled, but at the same time, it was also her finger that had pulled the trigger. She had dropped the gun like it was on fire. Now with that same gun... perhaps she could do some good. She could make sure that there was a chance for London to be restored back to its former glory.
In front of her, Cai had the option to merge synthetics and organics together. Synthetics would gain an understanding from the organics, while the organics would be able to use the technology to make their lives easier. This seemed like a good option, it seemed symbiotic in a way. Shaking, she took a step forward before freezing. Creating an alternate DNA? Images flashed in her mind of those people on the battlefield. Species and race didn't matter-humans, Asari, Turian, Quarian, Korgan-fighting for their lives and everyone else's around them without thoughts of racism and hatred.
If I did this... those people wouldn't be themselves anymore. Cai thought with a rock like weight plunging into her stomach. One left...
She turned her broken and bloody body to the right, seeing her final choice. Her vision was fading quickly and she knew she had a limited amount of time in order to make her choice. Destroy. She needed to get there. Now. Dragging her leg after her as she hobbled towards her choice, her mind began to wander. It felt like time was slowing down, her mind filled with images of her comrades... the idiot comments they made... the stupid fights they got into... the laughs they had at each other's expense. Different races and species of aliens that had found a common goal to work against, saving the galaxy for all. When she thought of this, something happened that had never happened before. Her chest tightened and a stinging sensation pierced behind her eyes. For a moment, she didn't know what was happening; was she losing more of her vision? She could hardly see as it was. Then it dawned on her and she held back the choking feeling.
Not here... Not now. She begged herself. Keeping her eyes forward, she continued to limp. Voices played in her mind, images of the faces following.
The Assassin
This disease is going to kill me... I want to be able to see my son before then...
The Asari Commando
It's my duty to protect my children... and I failed.
The Cerberus Cheerleader
I was genetically enhanced to be perfect, but that doesn't make me any less human.
The Tank-Bred Krogan
When do we get to bash some heads?
The Quarian Mechanic
Keelah Se'lai. Having the name 'Normandy' added to my name was supposed to be a mark of shame. But, I wear it as a badge of pride. I am proud to be Tali'Zorah vas Normandy.
The Unshackled AI
That was a joke.
The Brittle-Boned Pilot
You know what I could go for right now? A hamburger. Not vat-grown. An honest-to-god dead cow. With horseradish.
The Scientist Salarian
I would've liked to have studied those seashells.
The Master Thief
Shepard, you should wear a dress more often
Subject Zero
Teaching these kids gives me something to live for.
The Mercenary
You've got some quads, Princess
The Biotic
L2 Implants may be outdated, but I wouldn't upgrade for anything
The Soldier
I have... a sister back on Earth
The Conscious Geth
Shepard-Commander, we will trust you
The Asari Scientist
Shepard... I want you to know that no matter what happens, I'm proud to have served with you.
The Lieutenant
Damn... this gig gets weirder and weirder
The Uncertain Cerberus Operative
Good deed's like pissing yourself in dark pants. Warm feeling but no one notices.
The Second Shepard
Cai... Come back alive. I want to have half Turian nieces or nephews.
Cai looked at her target and shakily lifted her pistol. This same pistol that she had used to kill Anderson. This last time, it would be used for good. Her body's strength was failing as she could barely lift her arm. With each breath, Cai could hear her blood dripping onto the floor beneath her.
It's now or never... The shot rang out and hurt her ears. Never before had a gunshot sounded so deafening. She heard the slight crack of glass breaking, knowing she had hit her target. She would destroy them. A small bout of strength filled her and she once again began limping towards her target. One more voice entered her head.
The Turian Rebel. Her Turian Rebel. The Archangel. Her Archangel.
Shepard... I mean Cai... Is that really you?
Another crack when the trigger was pulled.
It would take a lot more than a rocket to bring me down.
Her strength once again began to leave her, the gun becoming heavier than she knew it was.
Are you a one Turian kind of woman?
Again.
There's no Shepard without Vakarian.
Again.
After this, we can retreat somewhere nice and warm, by the beach. Maybe find out what a Human-Turian baby looks like?
With one more shot, she knew it would all be over. Done. For the first time since she had joined the Alliance Military, she struggled to pull the trigger. If she didn't everyone would die, if she did... she'd never been able to hear his voice again. She wouldn't be able to feel his hand against her skin, hear his voice in her ear, hear him whisper shyly Morning Cai in her ear when he woke up. She knew it had to be done. She knew that she had to pull it. This wasn't about her. This was about the galaxy. Cai closed her eyes, her chest tightening to a painful degree, almost like she was having a heart attack. For the first time since she could ever recall, a tear fell down her cheek.
I'm sorry...
Just as the tear dripped from her face, she pulled the trigger one last time. His voice echoed in her head for the last time before the shot rang out and her world went black.
Shepard-no. Cai. I... I love you.
