Have you ever hated yourself?

I have. I do. I don't tell anyone this. Just you, Journal. Gary's gone to the aslum and Jimmy thinks he's to cool to hang out with me now, so you're the only friend I have left. You're the only one I can talk to about this.

Well…How can I tell you this?

I hate myself. I have for a while now. But more then I hate myself, I hate him. I hate him so much. More then anyone-More then Jimmy who thinks I'm a loser, more then Wade who beats me up everyday, more then the cheerleaders that laugh and point at me as they walk by. I hate him. I hate Gary Smith.

I hate him because of the way he makes me feel. I hate him because I can't hate him-not really. I hate missing him. I hate thinking about him. I hate it. I hate seeing the picture we took together on his birthday last year. So what if he has a small smile on his hansdom face? I hate it. And I hate him. I hate his laugh. I hate the fact it sends chills up my spine. I hate considering going to see him everyday but then chickening out.

I hate it.

I hate him.

I hate loving him.

And I hate myself for not being able to tell him.