Across the Universe
A/N: I don't own Degrassi
It had really happened faster than he would've imagined. Somewhere between taking the blade of his hockey skate to his wrist and closing his eyes, succumbing to the perpetual exhaustion of his life, Campbell Saunders thought about the morning. Who would see, what would they say, what would they think? Most importantly, what would she think? He'd spent so much of his short time at Degrassi Community School trying to make friends and become someone. He cared too much about what people thought, from his hockey plays to his social skills. That was what a teenager did, after all.
But somewhere, it had all become too much. Every time he took two steps out of the darkness that threatened to consume him each time, he ended up with ten back somehow. Each time he stepped back, that was time he no longer had, like the hours ticked away each time on his short life. And with each hour that ticked away, his sole bright spot: his Maya, became foggier in his mind.
Maya had been the only thing keeping him from coming apart at the seams. Every taunt from his team, every moment of homesickness, and every failed attempt at being normal caused him to unravel a bit more. Like a piece of string, he was slowly becoming more and more frayed. And, at some point, you just can't put a piece of string back together. One comment from his nemesis and the realization that he was going to destroy the one good thing in his life was the final nail in what would soon become his coffin.
It had seemed like forever before night had finally fallen and Cam had returned to the garden. It had made the most sense to him when he'd resolved to die that night. The garden was where he and Maya had shared lunch together when their relationship was brand new.
Sitting down on the ground in the greenhouse, Cam looked at the skate in his hand, the blade shining menacingly in the moonlight. Tears ran down his face as he watched the dark blood seep down his arm from his torn wrist, pooling on the ground beneath him. Like the darkness that crept over him on his bad days, it was invasive, turning an otherwise white surface black. Soon, his shallow breathing began to hitch as he felt a heaviness come over him. Well, no wonder he was tired. He and Maya had been up almost all night the night before playing with pillows and Hoot.
Hoot.
He'd never given Hoot back to Maya.
Cam was not prepared for this. He had certainly been ready to die, to close his eyes and stop his and everyone else's pain forever, but he'd never expected to open them again. Cam had never really thought much about what happened when you died. Sure, his mother would always tell him of the sought after Heaven, and that if he was a good person, he'd go there in a hundred years when he died. If only she knew he was going a little ahead of schedule.
But the Heaven his mother had painted for him was nothing like what he saw now. She'd spoken of a rainbow bridge, of endless fields and sunshine, something out of a Disney sing-along. What surrounded him now was not unlike what he'd last seen before closing his eyes: the stars. Cam looked around, seeing an endless expanse of universe around him, and found himself thinking of the days he and his brother Justin would play astronauts in the backyard. The innocence of two children lost in play could create entire imaginary worlds.
A distant bark caught Cam's attention, and he looked to see a golden retriever lumber toward him.
"Orion!" he exclaimed. The dog jumped on him, wagging his tail happily. With a smile, Cam scratched the dog behind the ears as it licked his face. He'd loved playing with Orion when he was a kid. He remembered how he and his brothers and sisters had cried when Orion had been hit by the car when he'd escaped the backyard, but he'd hurt the most. As the middle child, Cam had been on his own a lot, and Orion had always been there for him.
But his childhood dog, cut down in its prime ,suddenly alive and vibrant in front of him wasn't the only thing that Cam was aware of. Before he'd closed his eyes, his head had been cluttered with pain, desperation, and fear. He was insecure, he was scared, and he was sad, all the time. But as he'd journeyed up to the stars, something felt different to him. It was as though all of the demons of his life had disappeared from his thoughts, leaving behind wisdom beyond his fifteen years. He felt as though he was finally seeing the world through clear eyes instead of a haze. Hockey, rivalries, and longing to fit in didn't seem so important anymore. On the outside, he still looked like his teenage self, he knew, but on the inside, he felt as sage as his grandfather had been before he'd passed five years before.
Cam stared at the stars all around him, looking at the world and the universe since the beginning of time. There were billions of galaxies in the universe, potentially an infinite number of worlds. Cam knew, with his new perspective, as a spirit, he could soar through the cosmos forever, exploring every reach that man could not. He could even return to Earth and see the Seven Wonders if he wanted. Mountains, oceans, everything. Whereas his life was summed up in twelve hours, from Kapuskasing to Toronto, the universe could now be his playground forever. The possibilities were simply endless. And, of course, he knew that there was another level ahead of him, the one that everyone talked about, desired to achieve, and feared banishment from: Heaven. In time, he would find his way there, when all his exploring was done. But, as he thought in his new view, he knew where his first stop would be on the road of discovery.
While all the pain and desperation of an adolescence cut short had vanished with his transcendence, Cam was still very aware of one thing: his love for a girl with music in her every move. More than anything, he wanted to comfort her, to let her know how he felt and that everything would be okay. He couldn't make himself visible to her, of course, but he would find a way to make her take notice and to understand what he now knew. Everything truly would be okay.
"Come on, Orion," he said to the dog. "We've got a long trip ahead of us."
