Dear Hoss,

I hope you found this gift I slipped into your bed without spending an uncomfortable night sleeping on its edges!

I know you are sad now because it's hard being left behind. I'm sad, too. Leaving - especially leaving you, with whom I've shared almost all the life I can remember – isn't easy, either.

Do you remember how we would console each other at night when we were upset or grieving? Don't think that just because I was older I never took comfort from you. Have I ever said how much that always meant to me? I hope this letter can console you a bit now! Be sure, Hoss, I will return. I love you, my family, and the Ponderosa!

But there are also so many new possibilities for us both to experience. I'll write you often about my college life, but things will be different for you, too, since you'll become the oldest son.

Now about the gift.

It's a journal. When I was a boy, on the journey here and during the early years while you were little, I wrote all the things I couldn't or wouldn't talk about with Pa in my journal and pretended I was writing to a friend. Now, I write in a diary every day to clarify my thoughts and feelings, the way Pa does.

I hope you will try doing one thing or the other with this, and that it helps you as it did me.

The money I put inside is in case you need some without having to ask Pa.

Please, Hoss, take care of yourself and of Little Joe. You are now the big brother! And I know you will be a very good one.

With love,

Your brother Adam

P.S.: Look out for Pa too; even he might need you more now.

The First year of Adam's college time

July 19, 1849 (aged 12)

Hello Journal,

I'm not sure if you are a friend. I don't like blank pages a lot. It reminds me of school. But I have glued Adam's letter on the first page so maybe you can be a friend.

Adam left three days ago and I miss him. Miss him badly. I know he's after more book-learning, it's what he wants and I hope he's happy. But why must he want this so much! Joe is awful unhappy too. He doesn't understand and he has nightmares like when Ma died two years ago. Hey, Journal, is it fair that for one brother to be happy another has to suffer? How could Adam be so selfish? I should write and tell him how upset Joe is. Maybe he would come back!

July 19 (later), 1849 (aged 12)

Hello Journal again,

I thought it over some more.

Sure he'd come back. But then? He'd hurt inside. I know him. Even Pa couldn't always see when Adam's sad, but I can. No, Adam isn't selfish. He spent his first years travelling with Pa, helped build up the Ponderosa and took care of me and Little Joe. He's 19 now, so it's really his turn to do what he likes. It's not unfair. Sorry, I called you selfish, Adam. But it's hard for us. I hope these four years go really quick.

I can try cheering Joe up. We could go riding together if Pa says yes.

July 20, 1849 (aged 12)

I thought I heard noises from Adam's room around midnight yesterday but maybe I imagined them because I wished to hear him; or maybe it was just the beams creaking. The room looked unchanged and empty on the morning. I missed him again.

July 21, 1849 (aged 12)

Hello Journal,

Yesterday Pa asked me if I would like going to bed an hour later. Staying up later always was Adam's privilege as the oldest. No, not always–I remember Adam arguing hard for it after we had separate rooms. I think it was Ma that convinced Pa then.

Now I'm the oldest, and Pa and I sat on the porch. It felt strange and good at the same time. We talked about our day and how good Joe is with the horses. Then I asked him to tell me the story about him and Adam meeting my mama. I like hearing this story because Pa and Adam are always happy when they tell it and I like their banter about who loved her first. I'm so proud that it's my mama they loved so much. Because Adam wasn't there I said his line about how he loved her first, and Pa, like always, answered that Adam only said it aloud first. We laughed together and I felt good for the first time since Adam left. Pa too.

Later in bed I was reminded of another incident with Adam's bedtime.

I remembered a night six years ago when Pa's yelling and Ma's screams woke me up, and I smelled smoke. I was about to get out of my room when I realized that a very angry Pa was yelling at Adam; so I closed my door quickly and went back to bed. In the morning I learned that Adam was reading under his bedcover and almost burned himself and the whole house down. First he wasn't allowed any lights in his room but after a few weeks Pa gave him permission to read in bed for half an hour, only he'd get another tanning if he ever moved the oil lamp from his nightstand again!

I know Ma wasn't happy with that decision because she was always scared for our health. But Pa knew it was safer so–for sure, there's no way to keep Adam from his books (or his wish to learn). What I still don't know today is why he burned his bedcover–he had lots of practice reading with a candle or a lamp under it.

July 22, 1849 (aged 12)

Hi Journ,

My teacher'd be right proud of me writing a long essay like yesterday. But I'm happy it's summer and no teacher's around!

I write because I'm so happy. Pa, Joe and me are going to the lake today after services. Joe and I'll sit still and hear the preacher's sermon (or pretend to). It's only an hour and then we will have a whole day just for fun together. Bye Journ!

July 26, 1849 (aged 12)

Hi Journ,

Sunday was fine.

It was a very hot day and Joe and I cavorted a lot with Pa in the water. We tried to duck him and splash water on him but he was mostly quicker and ducked us first, calling us a frog army that tried to sink a battleship. It was so funny and sometimes the frog army won and when Pa emerged we shouted, "Quack, quack!" But then we had to flee because of the battleship's revenge attack. We played until Joe looked all blue, then we warmed up lying on the heated cliffs in the sunshine, and Pa told us we looked like seals in the harbour of San Francisco. Later he gave us each swimming challenges. He bet me that I couldn't swim half an hour and Joe fifteen minutes without stopping. But we both won our bets! Joe still doesn't swim real calmly yet but he has staying power. So Pa gave us permission to swim unsupervised this summer in the small pond near the house.

On the way back, when we started singing, I missed Adam again. It was like getting a quick cramp in my heart. Joe and I always sang the main tune along with Adam, and Pa sang harmony. Without Adam it's not so easy keeping to the tune.

I almost forgot to write about the picnic: We had roast chicken, sandwiches, apples, boiled eggs and a big cake. Great!

July 31, 1849 (aged 12)

Joe and I went swimming and fishing the last few days after chores. Pa told Joe he has to mind me and he did.

Pa and I sat on the porch each evening and he gave me permission to stay up to write my Journal afterwards because he also writes in his diary to sum up the day just before he goes to bed.

August 8, 1849 (aged 12)

Hi Journ,

You know what Joe told me today? "Don't boss me around!" He always drove Adam crazy with that sentence. It's really not so easy to supervise others.

Thinking about Adam I remember: tonight I'm sure I heard noises from his room again, they are real. Maybe there is a mouse. I'll put the cat in there tomorrow.

August 9, 1849 (aged 12)

Uh, huh, Journ,

I'm a little out of breath and in a hurry so that Pa won't see I'm writing so late after he already said Good night to me. Don't be mad that I'm scribbling so spidery in you.

While I was in bed and almost falling asleep I heard those noises again from Adam's room. Very clearly footsteps and scratching. I was wide awake at once. The noises didn't go away. I was about to call Pa but then I plucked up my courage and tiptoed cautiously to Adam's room and opened the door. Whoosh. Something darted suddenly between my legs.

I was about to cry out when I realized it was the cat I had forgotten. I'm glad I didn't call Pa, so I could take Blackie outside without having to explain why he was in Adam's room all day. I gave him some milk to make up for that.

August 17, 1849 (aged 12)

Hi Journ,

We got a letter from Adam!

It was written at the end of July. He is fine! Travelling across the country by stagecoach seems more boring than an adventure. Now he's taking the railroad. He drew the locomotive for Joe. Pa couldn't answer all the questions Joe asked. So after dinner Joe and I looked at Adam's big book about railroads and steam engines. Adam gave us permission in his letter.

I hope I will see one myself real soon!

I think the cat caught whatever was in Adam's room; it's silent now.

August 20, 1849 (aged 12)

Joe and I went fishing the last three days. Fresh fish tastes fine. Hop Sing makes a lot of different meals with it. I like his fish curry best.

August 26, 1849 (aged 12)

Hi Journ, my friend, I sure need you right now.

Today Joe went missing. And who got blamed and scolded? Me!

Pa left after breakfast and I worked in the tack room as I was told. Joe was supposed to help. Pa said I should have been suspicious that he didn't appear. But why? When it comes to work Joe doesn't like, he always tries to escape by pretending he's too little to be held responsible, and just goes on playing. After a while I looked for him but I couldn't find him. I was angry but I didn't have time for hide and seek so I went back to my work. Later I became worried about him. I called him and searched in every corner of the house, the yard, and the barn.

When Pa came home in the afternoon I still hadn't found him and Pa was angry and blamed me for not keeping track of him. Now that he's seven he can surely keep track of himself! Pa was about to join in the search when we heard faint screams. They came from the hen house. Yes, there he was! He had crawled inside through the small door the chickens use and couldn't get out the same way somehow. The opening was too small suddenly from the inside, he said, and he feared he would get stuck if he tried. The big door was locked from the outside so he had trapped himself.

Joe looked at Pa with his puppy dog eyes and told him in a pitiful voice how he had screamed for me until he was all tired out and fell asleep. So Pa scolded me again. That little play-actor! Who told him to go crawl in the hen house? Besides, if he'd been calling me so long and so loud, the way he told Pa, I'd have heard him. Instead he goes to sleep without a worry and I waste half the day looking for him and then I get scolded.

I went straight to my room after dinner. Maybe I'm sulking but I have a reason!

August 27, 1849 (aged 12)

At the breakfast table Joe tried smiling at me. I didn't smile back but ignored him. If he thinks he can get around me that easily, he is mistaken! I can be stubborn. So I ate with a stony face. Eventually Pa cleared his throat and said he was sorry for yelling at me yesterday.

Then he asked Joe why he was even in the hen house. Joe said because he wanted to find out if he could go inside like the chickens. It took Pa two more questions before Joe confessed that he had gone behind the house on purpose, so I wouldn't find him if I was searching for him to make him do his chores. But while he was playing around the chicken coop he outsmarted himself with the door. I will never understand why Joe has to try out all the harebrained schemes he thinks up!

After that Joe spent the morning sitting on the porch cleaning bridles. I don't know why but after a while I helped him. Maybe being locked in the smelly hen house wasn't much fun either. Joe smiled at me and I smiled back at him and together we cleaned all the bridles and saddles. Pa was very proud of us!

August 30, 1849 (aged 12)

Rosie, one of our wagon horses, had her foal. He's a pretty little colt; even though his ma is such a heavy horse. I was there and helped Charlie with the birth. I'll get to name it.

September 5, 1849 (aged 12)

School is boring like always. My legs got itchy from sitting, I wished I could stay at home and tend to Billy, the foal.

September 6, 1849 (aged 12)

I slept badly tonight, maybe because the day after tomorrow is a special day, so I heard the noises in Adam's room again. This time I was determined to go find out what's in there! So I lit my oil lamp and went quietly to Adam's room, pushed down the handle softly, let my lamp shine a bit inside and peered in the room. First I saw only something glistening and guessed I had heard a faint whimper. I went a couple of steps farther into the room and looked closely at the glittering. And then I identified the source of all. It was Joe huddled in Adam's bed wide eyed staring at me. I think we both were awfully relieved.

I asked him what he was doing in Adam's bed and he told me in a little voice that Adam's room were ghost proof. He said he came into Adam's room and crawled into his bed whenever he was scared about the ghosts howling and scratching in his own room. He didn't even have to wake up our brother; because Adam had promised that he'd be safe in Adam's room. Nowadays he brought a blanket with him but he couldn't sleep very well in the empty room even though there were no ghosts in it. So usually he left the room by dawn and went back to his own bed. Little Joe looked so small and tired that I didn't bother to tell him that the ghosts were all in his imagination. I remember when he was around five Ma tried to convince him every night there weren't ghosts in his room and they would look together in the wardrobe and under the bed until Joe was satisfied there were no ghosts hiding there. But usually five minutes after Ma left, Joe would scream that he'd heard the ghosts come back into his room. So they'd do it all over again and again until Pa would get impatient and yell at Joe to quit those shenanigans and go to sleep with or without ghosts–and stop that screaming or else. Pa's yelling worked but obviously it didn't convince Joe that ghosts didn't exist. Now I realize what a clever big brother Adam is. I thought everything over quickly and then explained to Joe that Adam taught me how I could make my room ghost-proof, too, just before he left. Only the oldest brother in a house can do it and only for one room. Joe looked at me a bit doubtfully but he came with me and was sound asleep in two minutes.

September 8, 1849 (aged 13)

DEAR HOSS

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR 13th BIRTHDAY

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY

YOUR BROTHER ADAM

That's a telegram. It wasn't really sent because we don't have a telegraph station yet. But in the East where Adam's going they do. Adam explained about telegraphing in a letter he left. There's an apparatus that can send short and long signals along a wire and if you know the code you can make letters out of them. Adam says it's called the Morse code, and he gave me a chart and a tiny paper with points and dashes and that's what it meant. I will teach my friends the code so we can use it for secret letters.

Pa gave me new warm boots and a big bag of candy, Joe drew Billy for me and Adam left a very good sharp whittling knife for me. Adam himself is a drawer. He likes to draw or paint and he does all his drawing, writing or painting neatly and precisely. I can't. What I like to do is whittle. I touch a piece of wood and I can feel what I can do with it. It's like discovering whatever's hidden in there. When I look at Joe's drawing of Billy I think he isn't a born drawer too. He's too impatient. But I never seen a kid with such a imagination. He can tell stories nobody else would think of!

The food was very, very good today. Hop Sing made all my favorites and plenty of everything. I look forward to the leftovers tomorrow!

September 16, 1849 (aged 13)

I don't know why the girls my age laugh and giggle all the time even when Miss Taylor is so annoyed by it that she makes at least one of them stand in the corner or outside the classroom.

If my old friend Amelia still lived here I could ask her what's so funny but she and her family left a year ago. If anyone knows about fun she does. And she was a true friend; we went fishing together and cared for our little racoons, and neither her Ma nor mine or even Hop Sing ever knew why so much bread and meat went missing that spring. We reared them together in a secret place and let them go back to the wild and nobody ever knew about it. We had to hide them because most people think racoons are as bad as mice. They were our big secret and worth getting some scolds and even a spanking for not coming straight home after school. (It was that spring Adam had left the school in Virginia City and Joe wasn't attending it yet.) When I write these memories I feel how much I miss her. Would she behave so strangely now like the other girls, too?

October 4, 1849 (aged 13)

My pals and I use the Morse code for our notes in school. It's fun, nobody else can read it even the teacher.

There is one girl I wonder about. Her name's Annie. She is a year younger than me and doesn't giggle all the time. She is blonde and a little skinny. She almost always sits alone at recess after she tends to her two little brothers.

Pa sold our cattle in Virginia City like last year. The price isn't that high but Pa didn't have to be gone 6 weeks.

October 18, 1849 (aged 13)

Today Joe won a big marble contest in school that the younger boys set up for during recess. Second was Johnny, Annie's brother. They didn't play for keeps only to prove who is the best. Annie watched the contest too. Later we talked a little and I learned there are two more children at home and soon a third. Her father is a miner.

October 28, 1849 (aged 13)

Hi Journ,

Adam passed his entrance exam six weeks ago. He is in Boston now and studies architecture and engineering. I'm so proud of him. I let it slip on many occasions at school and in town. They all have to know what a smart brother I have.

Besides I got a B on the last essay. I wrote that to Adam. I hope he will be proud of me too!

November 8, 1849 (aged 13)

Miss Taylor caught one of our Morse code notes today. Paul told her that it was just random little points and dashes. She seemed very suspicious but didn't ask more. I'm glad she didn't ask me, so I haven't told a lie myself. We wrote nothing real important in that note only how boring math is and how long it seems to recess.

November 12, 1849 (aged 13)

My friend Paul was called to come to the teacher during morning recess. We worried and waited for him but he didn't come back outside. So it was lunchtime when we found out what happened. He told us Miss Taylor had shown our little note to her brother and he can read Morse code. Real bad luck but he is an engineer too!

She wanted the names of everyone involved with that note. Paul hadn't tattled on me and the others. He told us Miss Taylor had glared at him a long time and finally said she would write a note for his father because he had lied to her and she wanted to know by tomorrow who else was involved.

We looked at each other. We knew Paul wouldn't tell on us because he's a real friend and nobody knows we're involved. Maybe someone might get suspicious but nobody could prove it.

Nobody likes bringing home a note from school. For Paul it was too late anyway, the damage was done, and his note was already written. What use was it for all of us to get one too? The teacher rang her bell, Sam winked at me, and then we went in again.

I think I wasn't very attentive in the afternoon. At first I was glad I wasn't in any trouble but then there was that gnawing like a little needle in my conscience. I heard Pa in my head saying deceit is as bad as a outright lie. Then I thought, Paul is a real friend but what kind of friend am I to let him take the blame alone? Maybe he was even getting extra punishment for refusing to give our names. At afternoon recess I waited until all the other children were outside and then I went to the front of the classroom to the teacher's desk and confessed that I was involved and the Morse code came from me. She looked at me and asked, "You alone?" I didn't answer her question, she nodded, and sent me outside telling me I had to stay behind after school. John and Sam stared at me suspiciously, I told them what I had done and that I'm not a yellow coward.

When I waited after school while everyone else left, suddenly John and Sam were there with me and also confessed. At first Miss Taylor looked at us sternly but then she said that since we hadn't lied to her and we confessed voluntarily, she will only give us some extra math homework because we weren't paying attention during math lesson. That was a big relief!

Little Joe wasn't very sympathetic with me and my extra homework because he still was angry he couldn't read the Morse code. I tried to teach him but he still has trouble just with his normal letters. Even so he was jealous that he couldn't participate. I know he won't tell Pa anything about it on purpose, but I hope he doesn't let something slip by mistake.

November 13, 1849 (aged 13)

Paul's Pa was hard on him. I'm sure my Pa would be angry too if I had lied but I'm glad he isn't so harsh.

Now we have the first snow. Joe and I took the toboggan Adam made out of the barn and cleaned it up. Maybe we will have enough snow for sledding soon.

I'm now one of the biggest boys in school. Even older boys want to wrestle with me and I win mostly.

November 17, 1849 (aged 13)

Yes! We got to go sledding! It was great! I think Joe isn't at all afraid of going fast. I like plowing up through the glittering snow when the sky has that wintry deep blue and the sun shines and then going down on the sled. But you have to hurry to get inside before dark or you will freeze to the sled. I knew that but we went back up one time too often. Our feet were so cold Hop Sing put them in cold water so they didn't hurt too badly when they warmed up.

December 4, 1849 (aged 13)

Today I shared my cookies with Annie; she said she never had anything so good. Hop Sign's Christmas cookies sure are special. But I know to never ever go snitching them again.

One night a few years ago, very cautiously and silently so I wouldn't wake anyone, I crept downstairs and snuck into the storeroom behind the kitchen where Ma and Hop Sing had neatly stacked all their store-bought and homemade supplies. I was always big for my age but not big enough to reach the highest shelf where the Christmas cookies were in their tins. So I climbed on the big cupboard that covers the whole side wall. When I stood on the lowest shelf I could reach the tin I wanted with my fingertips. But it slid backwards instead of coming towards me. So I had to climb up on the next shelf. And then it began. First the cupboard trembled a bit then it leaned out from the wall towards me. I tried to jump back but it was too late. It crashed down full force and made lots of noise. When Pa, Ma and Hop Sing came in, it didn't take them long to guess who was responsible. There I sat covered in flour, preserves and Christmas cookies in a puddle of fruit and syrup, with the floor around me full of broken glass and smashed tins and jars. I couldn't tell who was madder–Pa, Ma or Hop Sing. Of course Pa gave me a "necessary talk," but he also told me I couldn't have any more dessert all winter until the fresh fruit was ripe, because I had destroyed so many of the supplies you need to make sweets. That was the worst punishment ever. I'll never forget it, even though after a few weeks Adam, Ma, or even Pa himself shared their dessert with me sometimes. No, I will never ever sneak on the Christmas cookies! Fortunately Hop Sing always gives me and Joe a few cookies every day in December. If I ask him I'm sure he will give me a few more for Annie.

December, 26 1849 (aged 13)

Pa, Joe, Hop Sing and me had a good Christmas! It's the third since Ma died. The first year we all tried not to think or speak about her but that made us all lonely, because we grieved secretly. In the second year, when the grief came on Christmas Eve, Adam began to share his good memories of Ma and then the rest of us followed, so it was as if her spirit was still with us for Christmas. We did the same this year and also included Adam in our tales. He sent us a letter saying he will visit his grandfather for the holidays. Pa even told us about Adam's ma and her father. I've never heard much about him. He was Pa's captain when he went to sea. The presents were fine. Adam sent a letter and he painted a Christmas picture about Jesus' birth in the stable with a lot of animals around him. It was for Joe but I liked it very much, too.

It's strange but the more you eat the quicker you got hungry again! But being hungry on Christmas with all the fine things Hop Sing has prepared and cooked is a very fine thing!

January 9,1850 (aged 13)

I train Billy. He is learning to stay put when I clean out his hooves or if I take his little halter on and off.

February15, 1850 (aged 13)

Dear Journal,

I'm mad at Pa. I had a big fight at school today. I know I shouldn't fight and I really don't often but one of the oldest boys had Joe by his collar, almost strangling him, and Joe called me for help. Pete is three years older than me and we had a real fight. I punched him on the nose, it was bleeding, but my left eye is black and swollen and my knuckles hurt. I think we wound up pretty even in getting hurt. But Pa tanned me tonight! Worse than ever because I was in a fight.

I remember Adam coming home last year with a black eye and Pa said nothing to him! Hop Sing put some raw meat on his eye and that was all. Pa always preferred Adam!

I can't sit comfortable so I will try to lie down again but even that's hard when your hand and your eye and your backside hurt. I think I will never speak to Pa again! I had to protect Joe, I'm his big brother!

February 16, 1850 (aged 13)

While I was lying on my bed yesterday Pa came in. I didn't turn to face him but went on watching the wall. It was disrespectful but I didn't want to see him.

Pa tried to talk to me and took my shoulder as if he wanted me to turn over. But I didn't. I expected Pa would yell at me but he didn't. He did nothing except move the chair from my desk so he could sit next to my bed. I stared at the wall and did nothing, too. It wasn't easy. I felt Pa's presence growing every minute like a cloud all around me. Eventually I couldn't do no more nothing. I told him straight how badly he treated me compared to Adam.

Pa asked if I think he is unfair and I said yes and turned over so I could look him right in the eyes. Then Pa asked me if I remember when Adam shot his friend Ross with his new Colt pistol shortly after his fifteenth birthday. I told him I sure did. Adam got in big trouble then because he was showing off with the pistol, and so he shot his friend in the leg by mistake. But shooting isn't the same as punching, I said.

Then Pa asked me if I knew how Pete's nose is. I said it had bled some. Pa told me that I broke it and that maybe Pete will have a ugly nose all his life because of me. I said I didn't mean to break it and Pa said that's the problem. I broke the nose of a boy who's three years older than me without intending to. I was really shocked because I didn't think I had hurt him that bad. Pa told me he could take Adam's pistol away but not my fists. So I have to learn to think of the consequences if I use my fists and to control my strength and my temper.

I promised Pa not to use my fists again. Pa told me that Joe and Pete's sister had argued and then wrestled and that Pete was trying to separate them when Joe was screaming for me. Pa told me that Joe had used me to get back at Pete, and that he had a talk with Joe about that. I think I know what kind of talk and it's the first time I wasn't sorry Joe had got one.

February 17, 1850 (aged 13)

Today Joe said he was sorry he got me in trouble but he was so mad at Pete's sister and so upset at being held that he screamed for help without really thinking what he was doing. I told him I'm sorry that he was in trouble with Pa, too.

Joe and I agreed that we will buy Pete something and apologize. I hope his nose heals soon and straight.

March 31, 1850 (aged 13)

It's spring again. I always think how well the name says what spring does. All of nature seems to spring. Leafs, flowers, grass spring out from bare branches and bare soil. Little calves, chickens, rabbits, and foals spring around and after spending all winter in the house I feel like springing too.

April 2, 1850 (aged 13)

Annie and I sat on the schoolhouse steps in the warm sun. She is very shy and just the opposite of Amelia. But after my best friend Paul and his family left for California I feel a bit lonely. It felt good sitting together. She looks even skinnier so I shared my lunch with her. She told me her family was from Ireland.

April 27, 1850 (aged 13)

Hi Journ,

Joe asked me for a new slingshot a few days ago, because Miss Taylor confiscated his old one. Joe wasn't too unhappy about that because he's wanted a better one with more power for a long time. Adam still made the old one for him. Now it's my job as a big brother to help him and we made a real good slingshot together. But nobody can think of what happened!

Other boys might just break a windowpane but not Joe. He practised in the yard – that's never a good idea and Pa forbids it, plus I was in the yard when I broke the windowpane – and missed his target. The shot bounced back and hit the dog that was peacefully sleeping in the sun. Cherry leapt up and ran directly towards Hop Sing, who was carrying a big pot with a cooked chicken in hot broth. Hop Sing fell over the dog and dropped the pot. Cherry howled because she got burned, Hop Sing sputtered some Chinese that sounded a lot like swearing as he fell down and got burned too, then the dog sprang up real quickly and snatched the chicken, and eventually Joe and I had only dry bread for dinner because Hop Sing refused to cook any more and the chicken was gone. The only difference was Joe wasn't sitting very comfortably. While nibbling on my dry bread I realized why Adam hadn't made such a good slingshot for Joe. Besides the new slingshot is now confiscated too. By Pa.

May 9, 1850 (aged 13)

Today I had to testify before Sheriff Coffee.

It's a long story:

The day before yesterday I was kept after school to redo an essay. The teacher said she knew I could do a much better job if I really wanted to and I was lazy at home. Yes, she is right, I was. That's the price for sometimes earning Bs. So I had to stay and write it over.

I told Joe to wait for me but when I left the building Joe wasn't there. I found a note by my horse saying he had gone to the pond to fish. I don't know why he never does what he is told. I was angry with him and rode to the pond. No Joe there! But I saw his pony's hoof prints in the wet ground. They led towards home so I let Prince gallop after them. I didn't want to be home any later than I already was. Somehow I got suspicious when I saw broken branches on the bushes next to the road. When I looked closer, I saw pony hoof prints going into the woods. I promised Joe a good thrashing when I found him and headed down the pony's trail, and then I saw something that startled me. There were other hoof prints, from a big horse, side by side with Joe's pony. Why was Joe with someone else? Maybe it was a friend or a hand from the ranch. I followed the trail some more and after a while I realized they were heading for an old shack not too far away. My heart slowed for a moment when I saw Joe's pony all by himself, dragging his reins on the ground. I caught the pony and led him with me. Now my heart was pounding–I was afraid I'd find Little Joe with a broken neck. When I saw the strange horse by the shack I didn't feel any better. The door was shut but I heard Joe screaming and crying. Someone hit my little brother. I couldn't bear it and ran to the shack. The door opened and a man with a nasty black beard came out. I knew who he was. He looked older now but I'd never forget that face. His name's Hank. He used to work for us but Pa fired him because he was so mean. I was scared of him as a little boy. But now I knew he had hurt my little brother and meant to do it some more. So I hauled back my right fist and punched him on his nose as hard as I could. I heard the bone break and I enjoyed it! Then things happened real fast. The man staggered back into the shack, Joe ran outside and I bolted the door. Joe and I ran to our horses and we galloped home. Later I wondered what I would have done if Joe was tied up and couldn't get to me.

Pa and a few other men found Hank still in the shack. The window shutters are also barred on the outside. He told Pa it was his fault that he couldn't find a job so he had to steal. After Roy heard my story he told me Hank had been let out of prison just three weeks ago and will be back in it soon.

Hank had told Joe he'd found a boy called Hoss out lying in the woods with a broken leg, and said he'd show Joe the way there. Joe never had met him before and Hank was pretending he didn't know anything about us, but of course he really did since he used to work at the ranch. So Joe went with him because he wanted to help me.

The whole thing was done for revenge on Pa!

Pa was in a mood that evening like I'd never seen before. He hugged us both hard when he came back from town. He said he couldn't blame us for protecting each other or scold me for using my fists in an emergency. Then he kissed us again and sent us to bed because it was late.

I couldn't get to sleep so I came back downstairs about half an hour later. From the landing I saw Pa's hands shake as he poured himself a brandy. He drank it in one big swallow, poured out another and sat down on the settee. He had his face in his hands and looked like he was crying. I didn't know what to do so I went up to bed again.

May 10, 1850 (aged 13)

I was the hero in school today even the teacher said I was very brave. I think I should feel better. But somehow I don't.

May 12, 1850 (aged 13)

In church the preacher thanked the Lord for my and Joe's rescue, but it didn't feel right.

This evening when I sat alone with Pa on the porch I told him I'm not sure how I feel and that I had seen him gulping down that brandy and then sitting on the settee.

At first Pa was very silent and I worried he was upset because of my spying on him, even though I didn't mean to. Then he said in a low voice that he had been scared to death and very happy at the same time and maybe I felt the same way. What I did was dangerous and maybe foolish and if things had gone wrong maybe we both could have died, but if I hadn't done what I did he didn't know what might have happened to Joe. He felt very lucky because it was luck and God's protection that saved us, but he prayed every day that one of his sons would never have to risk his health or life to rescue the other again. Then Pa reached for me, hugged me, and said, "Son, I'm proud of you. Your mama would be so proud of you too...especially your own mother. Take care of yourself …" and then his voice broke. I saw Pa´s eyes glisten when he hugged me. We stood a long time there hugging each other and I felt all the love my Pa has for me and my mother.

June 12, 1850 (aged 13)

It's Little Joes birthday today. Now he's 8 years old. Pa, Hop Sing and me woke him up with a birthday song. I'm not sure how good it sounded but it worked. Joe sprang out of bed and opened his gifts like a hurricane: toy soldiers, a new hat and a small wooden fort Pa and I made for him. He was too exited to eat his breakfast because Hop Sing had packed a big parcel with cake for the other children and Joe wanted to go to school quickly the first time in his life. At school he beamed such a big smile that the teacher couldn't resist so she let him hand out the cake during the first lesson. We all celebrated with Joe for a good half an hour.

June 14, 1850 (aged 13)

I like Annie. We often sit together now. She doesn't spend much time with the other girls. But that's not her fault. After school she usually grabs her two little brothers and hurries home. That's what her parents want. The family never comes to any of the socials and they aren't in our church. They are Catholics. But the Catholic kids say the family only shows up for the services and leaves right afterwards. So Annie can't make any friends there either.

June 28, 1850 (aged 13)

School's out for summer! My report card wasn't too bad and Joe has good grades. Besides fishing and swimming this year I will help with the haying. We need hay for our horses and milk cows and in case the winter is hard for the range cattle.

July 9, 1850 (aged 13)

I'm tired and the hay is itchy on your sweaty skin but I like the work. Charlie, who's the oldest and most experienced of our hands, and the other men said I was a good hard worker. I always thought I had a good appetite but now I know what a real appetite is. Pa joked that I'm eating more than the cost of the hay I brought in. But he chuckled and I knew he is very proud of me.

Joe isn't real happy because he spends most of the day with Hop Sing and has to help him with the garden and so on. We only get to see each other when they bring out our lunch. But the harvest will take only two weeks, so we'll have plenty of time together after that.

August 18, 1850 (aged 13)

Today we visited Ma's grave. We brought her some flowers. I'm sad now and so is Joe and even Pa. I know he tried to hide that from us but he is. Even trying to tell happy stories about her didn't work, all we could remember was the accident.

August 25, 1850 (aged 13)

Joe isn't as cheerful as usual. While we were swimming yesterday he told me how he hates knowing Pa will have to leave for the drive. I know he's afraid Pa could have an accident like Ma or something and won't come back, even if he doesn't say so. So I talked to Pa in the evening and asked him if we all could do something together before he leaves. That would cheer Joe up a bit. Pa said it might be a good idea.

At breakfast Pa promised Joe we would all go on an overnight fishing trip this weekend. Joe has begged for a long time to do something like that but Pa has always refused, because it could be dangerous and he himself was always glad to sleep in a bed. But today he promised we'd go and Joe is very excited. I thought about Adam. Back when they were always travelling, was he excited when Pa promised him a night under a real roof? I'm looking forward to this trip too.

September 1, 1850 (aged 13)

The trip was pretty good. We stopped at noon by the bank of a good-sized creek. We fished and within half an hour we had enough for our meal. Pa cleaned the fishes and told me and Joe to find some dry wood for the fire. I looked on one side and Joe the other. When I was coming back with a big armful of branches I heard a loud splash. We don't have any jumping fishes here so I figured it must be Joe. And sure enough there he was lying belly-down in that creek with a few branches circling around him. I stood on a big stone to pull him up. What a typically Joe thing to try–hopping from stone to stone across the creek with a load of branches! Pa wasn't amused; Joe was soaked from head to toe and shivering. He stood in front of Pa with downcast eyes listening to Pa scold. When Pa finished, he looked up flashing a typical Joe smile and said, "Pa, I don't know why but on the way across it was easy to hop but coming back everything was wider. Maybe the stones moved." Pa sighed and rolled his eyes. Finally we made camp right there by the creek and put Joe in my spare shirt. After the first shock he fooled around pretending he was a girl in a fancy dress saying silly things in a squeaky voice and holding the hem out with his hands. We all laughed a lot. That night we looked up at the stars while Pa pointed out the constellations–I knew most of them already–and he showed Joe how to find the North Star. Pa remembered how he had taught Adam to find the big dipper and the north star on their way west. And, he said, maybe right then Adam was watching the North Star back east and thinking about us. I looked at the North Star, concentrated my thoughts on him and wished him all my best. Maybe he could feel it. Later I lay on my back in my bedroll and looked at the stars until I fell asleep. I love sleeping outdoors on a warm summer night!

Today is the last day before school starts again and right after my birthday Pa will leave us for the cattle drive. I'm glad that this trip cheered not only Joe up but me and Pa too.