There were 3 things of which Fred was certain.

1. Almost all his closest friends knew about his massive crush.

2. Only two of them didn't know about the crush.

3. If either of them ever found out about it he was royally fucked.

So it should be no surprise that one day, all his feeble plans to keep his secret admiration hidden came crashing down.

And it all started with one of the ones who didn't know about the crush. AKA Wade fucking Wilson. AKA Deadpool. AKA Royal Pain in the Ass #1.

Okay, Wade was actually a great guy in his own sort of way; otherwise he and Fred wouldn't be friends in the first place. He was still a pain in the ass though.

Now, you may be wondering how in the ever loving fuck someone like Fred ended up being such good pals with someone like Wade. The abridged version: shit happens.

The slightly longer version? Well, what's there to say? Fred was a good guy. He fought the good fight with his friends for a few years, suiting up in a fire breathing lizard costume- still awesome, and still in his possession-but the hero business was hard. Hard choices had to be made. Sometimes there was no good option to choose. Sometimes it felt like he had to give up too much of himself to keep going.

Eventually, he decided that he had to hang up the hood and retire from the hero business.

The others may not have been pleased, but they understood. After all, none of them had expected to be in the business for so long. They only started because they wanted to bring a masked man to justice after he burned down a building and subsequently put Tadashi into the hospital under a coma with severe burns. It turned out to be their old robotics professor, which was horrifying, but stopping him and saving all those people? That was great. It was so great they kept on doing it. Too bad not all their hard work paid off so nicely. Every action has a consequence, and even when people are trying to save others, said consequences can be ugly.

So, like every logical person out there, Fred did the only sensible thing. He bought a bar and catered to the less than hospitable thugs of the city. Sister Margaret's School for Wayward Children may not have seemed like the friendliest places, but he'd built up a good reliable clientele. They were just a little rowdier and morally ambiguous than most people.

Plus, he could always keep an ear out for trouble his friends might run into.

They all came by to visit, some more often than others. Gogo came the most, followed closely by Hiro. Neither of them was particularly afraid of his normal patrons, and even enjoyed their presence on occasion. To be fair, they were sort of thrill seekers. Now Wasabi and Honey on the other hand...well Honey wasn't really afraid of his clientele either, it just wasn't really her scene. Wasabi was a little terrified of his customers though, despite being the most physically built for dealing with them. He also thought it was a germaphobe's nightmare realm- Fred tried to explain that he actually kept his bar quite sanitary, thank you very much- so he couldn't handle being in there for too long.

Of all his best friends there was only one who had never set foot in Sister Margaret's School for Wayward Children. And that was Tadashi Hamada. AKA the guy he had a colossal crush on since they met. AKA his impending doom because he was sure his attraction was gonna kill him someday from seeing Tadashi doing something too disgustingly cute.

Not to say that it was because Tadashi didn't want to visit. Usually scheduling conflicts kept them from meeting up in this particular place. They still saw each other plenty of other times.

The fact Tadashi had never visited Fred at the bar was pretty much the only reason Wade didn't know about his infatuation. He very much wanted to keep it that way. Wade learning about his crush was a disaster waiting to happen. He'd probably tie them up and throw them in a closet with a bunch of condoms and lube and some mood music. Definitely not what he wanted to go down.

Every time his other friends visited though, they always managed to slip Tadashi into their conversations. Honestly, it was a miracle Wade hadn't figured it out by now.

He was sitting at the bar sipping on a beer, mask pulled halfway up his face listening to Gogo and still nothing.

"Wow, Fred, you're still keeping those muscles in shape despite being out of the business. Trying to impress someone, hm?" she asked, trying to rile him up.

"No, I just have customers who like to roughhouse, Gogo," he rolled his eyes.

"Sure, sure, and I suppose the reason you always wear short sleeves around a certain someone isn't to show off either, huh?"

"I do not!" His face was burning- he probably looked like a tomato, and Wade still didn't make any quips about his love life.

"Right, you just take off your extra layers cause you get all hot and bothered being in his presence," she smirked.

"Gogo, I swear to God..."

The scrape of Wade's chair cut him off as the other stood up and pulled his mask down. Uh oh...the gig was up. He was in for it now. It was going to be a never-ending stream of a how-to-get-laid guide by Wade-

"Welp, I gotta go. Been thinking about taking a job in Kansas, and the tornado express is leaving tonight, so I figure I should go have hot passionate sex with my knockout girlfriend while I can before the wicked witch of the Midwest gets her claws in me," he clapped his hands together and blew Fred a kiss before skipping out the door.

"Uh...okay. See ya later. I'd say don't die, but that seems unnecessary for you, plus even if you did I'd win the dead pool, so..." Well, that wasn't what he expected, but he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

"So Fred, about Tadashi..." Gogo began again, and he couldn't help heaving a sigh.

"Gogo, you're the best, and I love you-"

"I know."

"-but you and the others are just gonna have to get over the whole me and Tadashi thing. I like him a lot. But I like our friendship a lot more, and I'm not going to jeopardize that. End of story."

"Um, excuse me? Not end of story. Unless the story is about you pining over him. In which case, we need to start a new story where you two are happily together.

"Look Fred, you and Tadashi would probably be annoyingly cute together, and because we're your friends we want to help you. So woman up and confess to him already. Tadashi's too thick in the head about romance to realize you've got feelings for him on his own. So if you don't do something soon. we will," she threatened, giving him a pointed look.

"Ugh, please don't. We don't even know if he likes guys! Or girls for that matter- I don't think I've ever heard him express romantic or sexual preferences in the entire history of our friendship. He could be ace for all we know!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air for emphasis.

"Fine. But don't think this conversation is over," she said before leaving as well.

He sighed. He wished the conversation could be put off forever.


"Hey, give me a blowjob."

"Please don't make me do this again. I can't believe I let you put something on the menu."

"C'mon, Weasel, you lost the bet, therefore you have to keep that hot mess on the menu. And it's not like I made it up-it's a real thing out in the real world. Besides it sells well!" Wade chirped behind his mask. Fred couldn't tell for certain, but he was about 99.99999% sure that Wade had one of those shit-eating grins on his face.

"They only sell when you're here, and you only buy them to start fights," Fred pointed his finger accusingly at the other man.

Wade put his arms up in mock surrender before replying, "Guilty as charged, sir. But can you blame me? Nobody's died in almost two months! Two. Months. That's a fucking crime. You should be arrested for letting it go on for this long."

"You and I have very different ideas of what constitutes a crime."

"Oh I know goody-two-shoes-I-used-to-be-a-hero Weasel is actually for the law and all that. But I got news for ya, so open up your mind hole, buddy: you run a bar for criminals. You ain't on Jonny law's side no more. So give me the damn blowjob, so I can get someone else to send it over to one of those ugly mugs hanging around," Wade leaned partially over the bar, wiggling his eyebrows. How he managed to do that in the mask still escaped him.

"Fine. Pays the bills anyway, I guess," he grumbled halfheartedly. He knew he should have felt a little bad about someone possibly getting killed in the bar, but what could he say? Wade was a terrible influence.

He poured the ingredients into a shot glass and slid it across the bar to the red-clad menace. Nothing good could come from this, but he waited and watched anyway.

Needless to say, he was 100% right, and one of the poor men who had been playing pool was thrown across the room by a slightly larger and burlier patron. As was customary, Fred waited for one of the men to get a good enough punch to incapacitate the other before stepping in.

"Hang on, hang on, let me through..." he pushed through the crowd surrounding the pair. He held up a small mirror to the downed man's mouth, looking for his breath to fog the glass.

"Nah, he's still alive. Good try though, man," Fred clapped a hand on the remaining man's back.

Almost immediately there were loud cries of protest. More so than usual, anyway.

"I almost won, dammit! You shoulda waited til he finished the job!"

"Shut your mouth- he's still breathin' you'll just have to wait!"

"I could have killed that bastard with my little finger, how'd you fuck this up-"

"Maybe if you leave him there a few more minutes he'll kick the bucket! I say we-"

Fred groaned into his hand. Leave it to Wade to give him a headache. Wade, who had vacated the premises as soon as the verdict was out.

He looked around for a moment before finding a chair to stand on. It wasn't exactly the most stable place to be; what with the swarm of oversized thugs jostling everything around in an attempt to start all out war in his bar, but it would have to do.

"Listen up!" he shouted over the cacophony of voices, "He's still alive and that's that! The verdict has been made, so quit your bitching and get back to drinking. And if any of you have anything further to say, then you-"

"Yo, Weasel!" a new voice interrupted somewhere behind him.

"We got a boy here- says he's some friend of yours. You recognize this guy?" Fred sighed. If there was another college freshman here to try and swindle free drinks out of him, he was going to go out of his freaking mind.

It turns out, he was going to go out of his mind for a completely different reason.

"Hey, Fred." No. There was no way that was who he thought it was.

"Tadashi?" he whipped around so fast he lost his footing and tumbled rather ungracefully to the floor.

He lay there, dazed for a minute, staring uncomprehending at the ceiling. What was Tadashi doing there?

"Fred, holy shit, are you okay?" the concerned face of Tadashi Hamada hovered into view above him.

He looked as radiant as ever, even in the dingy lighting of the bar. He hadn't changed much over the years, appearance wise. He was wearing a pale yellow cardigan over a white t-shirt, along with his old SF baseball hat. The sleeves of his cardigan were rolled up to his elbows, his scars clearly visible. When he looked at him like this he could almost trace imaginary lines where the rest of his scars were. He remembered how they had looked back in the ICU, covering a good half of his body, curling over his back, his legs, trailing up his jaw...his very kissable jaw.

"What are you doing here?" he blurted out, immediately wishing he had kept his stupid mouth shut. He couldn't help it. He had to stop his mind from going places it should not be.

"I'm here for that robotics convention, remember?"

"There's a robotics convention going on?" he said, proud that the words only came out slightly slurred.

"Yeah, Gogo told you about it. She called you yesterday to make sure you remembered we were coming. Did you hit your head?" his friend asked, reaching a hand out towards his face.

He bolted into an upright position at that. There was no way in hell he was going to let that happen here of all places. If Tadashi put a hand on the side of his face he'd probably be reduced to just staring and drooling. He'd never live it down.

"Uh, nope-I mean a little, but it's fine-no need to worry. So, convention, yeah? Uh, you said Gogo told me about it?" He really didn't hit his head that hard, so he was certain that he and the short fiery woman had no such conversation. She had called yesterday, but all she really asked was if he was going to be at the bar around 3 o'clock...

That sneaky son of a bitch.

"Well, yeah. She said she told you about it a few weeks ago when she was here. And Hiro said she called you yesterday to confirm our plans for the week. Are you sure you're okay? I brought some of my prototype scanners- I have one with me-"

"No, no! It's okay. I'm okay. Just, uh, need a minute," he stuttered out.

She planned this whole thing out. Scratch that-they planned it out. Clearly more than one person was involved in this little scheme, otherwise someone would have spilled the beans to Tadashi. So it was pretty safe to guess all four of his San Fransokyo friends were in on it. Meddlesome kids.

He did not need help with his love life. It was none of their business.

Speaking of business, he suddenly remembered where they were. He looked up at the looming crowd surrounding them.

It was that untimely moment he remembered that while Wade seemed to ignore every time his friends brought up his crush, nobody else in the establishment had. It was fairly well known among them that he had the hots for some guy named Tadashi.

Clearly they had all figured out just who his friend was, if the manic smiles on their faces were anything to go by. He was so screwed.

"Uh, well, buddy, I am glad to see you. I definitely didn't hear anything about this convention though. They were totally lying to your face," he said, brushing his pants off as he stood up. Tadashi followed his lead, stretching his legs from where he had been crouching next to Fred.

"They did what? What-why? That makes no sense," he groaned exasperatedly. Fred gulped.

"Dunno. Maybe they were trying to prank you or something."

"Unbelievable. Okay, go sit down, and I'll scan you in a minute. Just in case," he gave him a worried once over. "I'm going to call Hiro first though. Little punk has some explaining to do." He smiled warmly at Fred before walking to an emptier spot in the room and pulling out his phone.

Meanwhile, Fred made his way back to the counter, trying to act nonchalant about the whole ordeal. Maybe if he acted unaffected enough, they would just let the whole thing go.

As if they were all part of some hive mind, the remaining customers swarmed to him. They didn't even say anything. They just got uncomfortably close and smiled knowingly at him. It was like he was transported back to middle school, when all his classmates found out he had a thing for Alicia Johns. The teasing had been merciless. He had no delusions that now would be any different.

"What do you mean you thought it was a great idea? He fell off a chair and hit his head, Hiro! He could have a concussion! You could have just said 'we think you and Fred could spend some time on your own since it's been a while' you know. And you got Gogo in on it? Who else knew, huh? Everyone. Of course. Unbelievable. You and I are going to have a very long talk about this when you get here," Tadashi's voice rang out in the heavy silence. He really wished his customers would go back to trying to kill each other. This was getting really awkward.

"Well, now that we've covered that I have a new question. Why did you insist on bringing both of our things yourself, when you were planning on leaving me here on my own? All I have is my wallet and a light carry on, Hiro! What did you expect me to do? Run around New York in my birthday suit?" Tadashi exclaimed. Fred almost choked on his own spit. That was not something he should be imagining at a time like this.

"Uh, hey Tadashi? Mind if I talk to your brother for a minute?" he asked timidly. It wasn't always the best to interfere with Tadashi mothering his baby brother.

"Hm? Oh sure. Maybe you can talk some sense into him," Tadashi rolled his eyes as he handed over the phone.

"Thanks," Fred smiled reassuringly at the other. His friend smiled back, but was soon lost in a sea of burly men asking him about what he thought about the city. For all their shortcomings, his customers were nice enough to give him some cover for the conversation he was going to have with Hiro.

"Alright you little bastard, what the hell is going on here," he hissed into the phone. He could be pleasant later. You know, once he figured out just how dead he was.

Hiro's laughter crackled over the phone, "Look man, you've been pining over my idiot brother for way too long. We just figured we'd help you along a bit."

"Okay, I guess I get the whole giving us some alone time thing, but what's with keeping all his stuff? That seems less like some romantic ploy and more like a making your big brother's life difficult one."

"Aww, come on, Fred. It's not that bad. And we did have a reason for it. First of all, you have to convince him to stay with you until I get there. Shouldn't be too hard, especially if you say you'll get to spend more time together that way. And the whole not having clothes thing can be solved just like that!"

"Dude, what are you talking about? I don't have any of Tadashi's clothes in my closet." He wished he did. Then it might seem like the two of them were actually a couple. He was getting way ahead of himself though.

"God, no wonder this is taking you so long to make a move. Just imagine Fred- Tadashi wearing your clothes. Wouldn't you like that?" Hiro needled. If he could reach through the phone he would have been poking Fred in the side.

Tadashi in his clothes? That was...that was very...

His mouth was way too dry now.

"I, uh, I guess that's...um..."

"It's a great idea! Now hang up and start wooing my brother already," Hiro said before letting the line go dead. He was torn between tearing the kid a new one or giving him a thousand dollars. It was a very tough call.

Taking a deep breath and shaking out some of the stiffness in his shoulders, he carefully made his way over to Tadashi.

"So buddy, I think I have a way to help you out..."


A/N: WHat the fuck am I doing it's 5 fucking 21 in the morning my brain hurts why did i write this uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhh.

I mean it was fun but i'm so tired adn i keep spelling everything wrng and i'm juyst going to leave it cuz i;nm so tired ok

i really loved deadpool what a great movie but like evertytime i watch i think about how tj miller voiced fred and played weasel and thatos' how this came to be okay lol i'm very tired going to bed now bye