I used to think that the worst feeling in the world was losing someone you love, but I was wrong. The worst feeling is the moment that you've lost yourself. And I did lose myself. But before that happened, I lost too many people who I cared about. When you love someone... It stays with you, always reminding you of how easy it is to get hurt.

Losing the people who I loved - Yep, that was a lesson to me: Never love anything. Remember, death never comes with a warning, darling. You may think now that I'm some hopeless girl now. No, I'm not. I'm not upset either. Upset is an emotion specific to those who care. And I'm not sure if I care anymore. Hell, I'm not even sure if I feel anything anymore. Wanna know what I did? For the past year, I pretended every day that I was happy. I didn't cry, I sold my tear ducts to an organ bank for cash, half a year ago. I moved around, met new people, had fun and all that sex, drugs and rock'n'roll bullshit.

Don't you wish sometimes that you could go back to when you hadn't lost anything? I'd be lying if I said that this thought didn't keep me up at night. I tried not to look back... But I couldn't be truly happy. I'm scared that if I let myself be truly happy for one minute, that my world's going to come crashing down and I don't know if I'd be able to survive that. The worst thing about that is, that I'm not sure if there is something left for me to lose. The worst thing that could happen to me is that I could die. And I may or may not die young. I haven't decided yet. But I'd never admit that to anyone. Never. I don't want people to think that I'm scared. I try to show as little emotions as possible.

I tried to drown all these thoughts with alcohol. So here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to all life's problems. And let me tell ya, it did help for a while.

So what else I found out in the past year is that we people manipulate, we thirst for power, we control, we punish. But our actions are driven by one singular place, deep inside. We are alone and we hate it. Because at the end of the day, all we have is ourselves.

I try not to shut everyone out, not to be bitchy all the time... And I even found friends to care about, I tried not to be selfish. Hell, I really try not to be selfish, but I can't help it and get afraid that I'm gonna lose them anyway. I did and still do have happy moments, and I try not to think about my past. But in the end, your past always comes back and fucks you up.

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I'm both happy and sad. Sometimes angry, bitchy and selfish too. It sucks, but this is life. And Life gets worse... That's what it does.