Nine on the Line Redux

Summary: Two worlds, one sinking ship, and one semi-psychic with a plan to change it all. Rachel wants to see Tina and Artie together by episode nine, season two. But she'll need a little help from her friends.


Jenna

I pull away from him, unable to kiss Harry with a straight face for very much longer. Whenever I get the giggles while we're filming a scene, it usually takes me awhile to recover. They're all pretty used to this by now, but it doesn't stop my costars from giving me a hard time.

"Sorry," I say, pushing his "ab-ulous" body away. He's shirtless for this scene, like so many others. It's pretty much a rule now that Chord and/or Harry must appear naked from the waist up at least once in each episode. We joke with Ryan that they ought to just put it in their contracts.

"That can go on the blooper reel." But as I search for the cast and crew, no one else is around at the moment. It's just the two of us, alone in the dark hallway. Harry's giving me a puzzled look as I'm leaning over his wheelchair for our big kiss.

Yes, Harry's wheelchair. Ryan's brainchild for a parallel scene between "Wheels" and episode nine, season two was another wheelchair race and a kiss. But this time, it's a Mike and Tina scene in which they've borrowed the Proud Mary chairs from backstage to race down the halls after school. Kevin and I are totally opposed to the idea, but who are we to advise the writers against it? We're just the actors.

"Who... are you talking to?" asks Harry, mystified. "There's no one here but us. Wasn't that the whole reason we planned it this way? A date without my mom, without anyone..."

I can hardly listen to what he's saying. I'm still trying to figure out how the heck I even got here. I don't even recall showing up on set today. And I have no idea why Harry won't break character. Sighing, I just play along.

"And it would have been a brilliant plan, Mike," I retort, rolling my eyes at him. "But the problem is that Artie's around the corner spying on us as we speak."

"Dammit, you knew I was here?" shrieks Kevin, wheeling furiously around the corner. He glares down the hallway at the two of us. Unable to contain myself, I start giggling again. This one's a blooper reel scene for sure! Well, it would be if we had a camera crew…

"Okay, stop, enough," I say, gasping for breath as I clutch my stomach. "Can we just take it from the top? I've completely forgotten how this is really supposed to go."

"Is that so?" Kevin's voice sounds oddly strangled, as though he's trying to control himself. He gives his wheels a hard push and, before I know what's happening, he cries out, "Well, allow me to show you!"

Puck-and-Finn style, Artie reams Mike's chair with his and the two of them go crashing to the ground. I scream, leaping out of my wheelchair. Kevin slugs Harry hard in the face before Harry, having the advantage due to his size, is able to shove Kevin off of his body. Kevin's legs are all tangled as though they haven't moved once during the fight. He struggles to push himself up to a sitting position, but makes no further effort to go after Harry. Harry's nose is bleeding as he shoots daggers at Kevin with his eyes. Upon closer examination, I realize that's not stage blood.

"What's your problem, dude?" Harry demands to know.

"That's... our... kiss," Kevin pants, his wounded eyes now turning to me. "How could you do this with Mike? It's just not right, not right at all..."

Harry's eyes are now on me and he's frowning, I think, as he holds his nose to stop the bleeding. "You and Artie kissed like this?" He stands up slowly, wincing in pain. "Not cool, Tina. I don't appreciate recycled dates. I'm gonna have to think about this..."

I can tell that Harry's really pissed off, and for good reason since Kevin just clobbered him. But he's still calling me Tina and acting like Mike and I'm wondering what I missed. I helplessly watch him stalk off in the opposite direction.

"Are we doing another Members Project spot?" I suddenly arrive at this conclusion when I hear Harry mention recycling. I'm afraid to confess that our recent marathon of filming has left me clueless as to what we're rehearsing right now. I don't want everyone to think I've lost my mind.

But Kevin isn't really paying attention to me. I turn to see that he's working hard to rearrange his feet and move himself back up to the chair, his upper body doing all the work. I've never seen Kevin fake a wheelchair transfer before, and he does it very convincingly. He really looks like he doesn't have the use of his legs. I'm about to open my mouth and make a comment, but I'm interrupted by the sound of feet slapping against the floor. The sound's coming from the other end of the hall.

"Tina, there you are," says Lea, appearing out of breath and flustered as she steps out of the shadows. I glower darkly back at her when she calls me by my character's name. Everyone's taking this little game a bit far, I think, particularly Harry and Kevin. I'm about to say something, but before I can utter a word, Lea's grabbing me by the hand and pulling me along with her. "Hurry, come with me…"

She doesn't even acknowledge Kevin, and he scowls at us as he watches her steal me away. He's still preoccupied, however, with positioning his feet in the footrests of his chair. His feet still haven't moved.

"Wait a second, Lea, where are we…?"

"SHHHH!" Her face is panic-stricken as she turns to shush me, putting her finger to my lips. I obediently clam up as she continues to drag me down the hall, away from Kevin. When we're safely out of earshot, she practically pins me against the locker.

"Jenna," she says, finally breaking character. I'm overcome with relief, but Lea doesn't give me a chance to speak. "You absolutely cannot tell anyone who you really are, do I make myself clear? You must call me Rachel. And you've got to refer to Kevin as Artie and Harry as Mike and you absolutely cannot reveal your true identity to anyone or we'll both risk exposure!"

"… Lea, you're scaring me."

"Listen up and listen carefully," she says, leaning over me and lowering her voice as she checks to make sure no one is around to overhear. "I'm not Lea. I'm Rachel Berry. But I know you're not Tina Cohen-Chang. You're Jenna Ushkowitz, the actress who plays Tina as a fictional character in a parallel universe. But here, in this universe, what you know to be the hit show Glee isn't a show at all. It's real life. And just like before, you've been brought here for a reason…"

"L-like… like before?" I'm stuttering and it sounds nothing like Tina's fake one because I'm legitimately stumbling over my words, trying to make sense of what Lea (I mean, Rachel) is telling me.

Lea-Rachel snaps her fingers. "Ah, but you don't know anything about it, of course! It's Tina who already knows all about it. You see, Jenna, back when you were filming season one, Artie and Kevin swapped bodies, too. Tina was incredibly jealous when she found out. Artie spent some time in your world and Kevin came here to us. It took us awhile to uncover the reason for it all, but we finally realized it was so that Kevin could get firsthand experience at being a paraplegic before filming for the back nine began. He was gonna need it when it came time to film 'Dream On,' afterall."

"This is like a science fiction movie…" I mutter, still having difficulty believing what I was being told. "So, if I'm here, then Tina's…"

"Probably thrilled to be getting her turn at last!" Rachel finishes my sentence smugly, clapping her hands with delight.

"Why do you know what's going on?" I want to know.

She smirks again. "Haven't I told you all I'm a little bit psychic?"

I'm still trying to swallow this, and Rachel can see that I'm struggling. She encourages me to sit down and then produces a cold bottle of water for me from her book bag. She pats my leg and assures me that Artie and Mike are going to be just fine. I'm too busy fretting over the way my life has turned into a science fiction novel to worry about Artie and Mike at the moment. But something tells me they're the whole reason I'm here.

I just don't know what I, Jenna Ushkowitz, can do about it.