Squirrelpaw has Become Numb

Squirrelpaw looked at her sister sadly. "No, Leafpaw, this is something that you don't understand! You're a Medicine cat apprentice so all the pressure of following Dad's pawprints rests on my shoulders! I don't want to be Dad!" Leafpaw looked sympathetic but she'd never understand.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me

Squirrelpaw looked at Brambleclaw. "I won't tell Firestar if you let me come!" I wouldn't tell him anyway but you don't have to know that, she thought.

"Oh, fine," Brambleclaw sighed.

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)
Every step I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)

"Squirrelpaw, you don't have to go!" wailed Leafpaw.

"Yes I do," Squirrelpaw replied. "I have to get away. If I stay here, with Firestar barking orders at me, I'll burst Leafpaw! He wants me to be him and I hate it!"

"Fine," Leafpaw whispered. "Good bye, Squirrelpaw."

"Bye, Leafpaw," Squirrelpaw murmured. The two touched noses.

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Squirrelpaw walked slowly away from ThunderClan boundaries. She looked back and her heart ached. How could she leave?

"Are you okay?" Feathertail asked.

"Yeah… I'm fine," Squirrelpaw sighed. She continued padding away. Brambleclaw always talked about how he didn't want to be his father. Well, he wasn't the only one.

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

Squirrelpaw knew that she had to make the journey too for one reason and one reason alone. She had to find out who she was. Squirrelpaw… or Firestar? She shook herself and thought, I'm not like him at all! But he's pushing me so that I become like him…

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

"Homesick?" Tawnypelt asked, kindness etched in her voice.

"No!" Squirrelpaw replied.

"Want to go home?" Brambleclaw asked, rolling his eyes.

"And go back to Firestar? No way!" Squirrelpaw snapped.

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

Squirrelpaw knew that she had traveled farther then Firestar ever had! Stop that, she thought, stop comparing yourself to him. You are not Firestar, don't worry.

"Everyone's afraid," she muttered under her breath. "Everyone has that one big fear that takes over their thoughts. This is mine. I don't want to be Firestar!"

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

"Something's bothering you." Feathertail padded closer to Squirrelpaw. "You can trust me. Are you scared?"

"Yes," Squirrelpaw breathed.

"Are you scared of the journey?" Feathertail asked. "I am too."

"No," Squirrelpaw whispered. "Firestar wants me to be just like him but I don't wan t to! I want to be me not him! Leafpaw's a medicine cat apprentice so she can't be like him so, of course, all the pressure rests on my shoulders!"

"I'm sorry," Feathertail whispered back. "Can I help in any way?"

"No," Squirrelpaw murmured. "I have to do this." Feathertail nodded.

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be

Squirrelpaw looked at Silverpelt glimmering above her. "Please help me. I don't know what to do. I'm constantly reminded of how I might become him and I don't want to be Firestar. Help me, please."

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