The Dead Droid

By Ambassador Cara Jade

Note: This is based on the Monty Python "Dead Parrot" Sketch. The dead parrot is property of Monty Python, and all Star Wars characters are property of Lucasfilm. Hey, this isn't making me any money, right?

Uncle Owen: I wish to register a complain! Hello, Miss?

Jawa: What do you mean, 'miss?'

Owen: I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Jawa: Uhh, sorry, we're closed for the Swap Meet!

Owen: Never mind that, I wish to complain about this droid what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very sandcrawler!

Jawa: Oh, yes, the Coruscant Protocol Droid? What's uh...what's wrong with it?

Owen: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad: It's deactivated, that's what's wrong with it.

Jawa: No, he's not deactivated, he uh...he's powered down.

Owen: Look, shorty, I know a deactivated droid when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Jawa: No, he's powered down. Remarkable droid, isn't it? Beautiful photoreceptors!

Owen: The photoreceptors don't enter into it! He's stone dead!

Jawa: No, no, he's uh---he's powered down!

Owen: All right then, if he's powered down I'll power him up! Allo, Mr. Threepio! I've got a lovely oil bath for you if you just--

Jawa (HITS THE DROID): There, he moved!

Owen: No he didn't, that was you hitting him!

Jawa: I never! I never did any such thing!

Owen: Yes you did!

Jawa: I never touched him!

Owen: Allo, Threepio! Wakey, wakey! (HE BEGINS HITTING THE DROID) Testing, testing...(HE HITS THE DROID SEVERAL MORE TIMES) Now that's what I call a dead droid.

Jawa: No, now he's stalled.

Owen: STALLED???!!!

Jawa: Yeah, you stalled him just as he was powering up. Protocol Droids stall easily.

Owen: That droid is definitely deactivated, and you assured me when I purchased him not half an hour ago that his total lack of movement was due to a severe case of dust contamination!

Jawa: Well, he's uh...he's probably pining for the city!

Owen: Pining for the city? What kind of talk is that?!! Why did he fall over the minute I got him back to my moisture farm?

Jawa: The Coruscant Protocol Droid prefers translating on his back! Remarkable droid isn't it? Lovely photoreceptors!

Owen: All right, Shorty...I took the liberty of examining that droid when I got him back to my moisture farm and I discovered the only reason it was in one piece in the first place was that it had been glued that way!

Jawa: Well, of course he was GLUED that way. If I hadn't glued him he would have pulled himself apart, and....BOOM!

Owen: BOOM?!!! Shorty, the droid wouldn't BOOM if you put four million volts through him! He's bleeding demised!

Jawa: He's pining!!!

Owen: He's not pining, he's passed on! This droid is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet the Maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of power, he rests in peace! If you hand't glued him together he'd be rotting in a garbage masher! He kriffin' snuffed it! He's run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir of vortex! This....is an EX-DROID!

Jawa: Well...I better replace him, then...(DISAPPEARS FOR A MOMENT THEN RETURNS)

Owen: What's the news?

Jawa: Well, I've had a look in the hold, and we're--we're fresh out of protocol droids.

Owen: I see, I see, I get the picture.

Jawa: I got a Gonk droid.

Owen: Pray, does it speak Bocci?

Jawa: Uhh...yep!

Owen: Right, I'll have that one, then!