No one else will ever accept you.
Yuki stared upward at the bleak ceiling painted grey by the stormy night and streaked with shadows of falling rain; a design as chaotic as the emotions raging through his locked up heart. How he longed only to take a lock of that sweet chocolate brown hair and run it through his fingers. To lace his arms around that slender form and draw her near so that she could know his love. He could feel his innards twisting into a knot of pain, anguish and nausea. Turning onto his side, Yuki curled into a tight ball while his shoulders shook with his effort to hold down a furious scream and keep his legs from taking him far away into the night forever. The blankets laying over him did little to soothe the chill that had coiled mercilessly around his spine and his bed felt like a slab of concrete which made his bones ache and his eyes water.
"Why? Why does it have to be this way?"
- - -
"Good morning, Yuki!" Tôru chirped merrily as the grey-haired prince came groggily into the kitchen, rubbing puffy sleep from his eyes.
Dressed in a white turtleneck, navy blue skirt and knee-length socks, Tôru was as always the vision of innocent adorability. The sight of her beaming smile and glittering eyes always aided to draw Yuki from the depths of his morning nature. Returning her radiant grin with a modest one of his own, he let his quiet voice fill in the silence that had stretched out in his moment of admiration for her.
"Good morning, Miss Honda. You've already made breakfast?" Yuki asked curiously, seeing that there was nothing on the stove and the aroma of food was fading fast from the air.
"Oh, yes, but I made some for you too, of course. It's just that Shigure was up much earlier than you, not that I'm saying it's a bad thing to sleep in or anything like that. It's just that he was really hungry so I had to make him something and then when Kyo came down and smelled the food, I actually heard his stomach growl so I had to make him some too. I didn't want to ask them to wait if they were really hungry and since I already had all of the cooking supplies out anyway, I went ahead and made you something too!"
Yuki's smile became warm as though he had sunken into a hot and steamy bath. How adorable she was and how thoroughly she explained herself as though she expected his heart to break if he had to wait a while for a meal. Lifting his hand, he shook his head.
"You are really too good to us, Miss Honda. I feel guilty for having you always do the cooking but I lack the skill to make anything more complex than-"
"-a glass of water. And you've been known to mess that up too." Shigure chimed in his lulling voice of swaying tones of humor.
Tôru laughed and looked over Yuki's shoulder to focus on the older man. Tall, kind-hearted and open-armed, especially with women, Shigure was always one to be counted on to make a sentimental moment into a joke.
"Your infinite praise is overwhelming, Shigure." Yuki spoke with a flatly sarcastic tone.
"Oh I know, I spoil you rotten by getting your hopes up like that." He laughed heartily before carrying his bowl over to the sink. Staring down at it as though it were something he'd never seen before, he mumbled, "I guess I'll just…wash this up then."
Blinking, Tôru let out a cry and hurried over, her hands on either side of her head as though it were about to burst in an array of beautiful confetti.
"Oh. No, Shigure! I couldn't ask you to do that! After all, it was me who made you breakfast and I served it so I'm the one who made the bowl dirty. You ate the food in it which was actually the first stage of cleaning so I should really be thanking you but I can take it from here!"
Smiling happily, Shigure handed over the dish and gave Yuki a sideways glance.
"If you were that eager to help out around the house, Yuki, this would really be a tight ship."
Both sets of eyes, dark and violet, widened in unison and shifted to focus on the girl standing before the sink. Sure enough, Tôru's head hung with defeat and her voice came out in a quivering sob.
"I knew it. I knew I didn't keep the house clean enough or have the meals ready in time…"
Fuming inside but too stunned to look it, Yuki felt his heart cracking along its delicate edges, throbbing hard and nearly making his face turn red. The ache cut deep whenever he saw this gentle spirit crushed in such a way. She was so unsure of herself, more readily believing in a jesting word of failure than any truthful compliment. He hated it. He wanted Tôru to see herself the way that he saw her: radiant, lovely, wondrous. He wanted to run Shigure into the ground, lift Tôru off of her feet and carry her away, leaving all of their worries behind. Instead, he stood there frozen and frowning, looking to their host then.
"Now look what you've done, Shigure." He spat in his quiet, vehement way which was all the more chilling than if he would simply yell.
Poking his fingers together with a well-faked innocence, Shigure spoke up with shame lacing his voice like too much whipped cream on top of pudding, "Oh Tôru, dear sweet Tôru. Alas I have spoken before thinking and I have upset you as I never meant to! This house has never been more amazing. Your presence here is a ray of sunshine in the gloom!"
"Save it for your pathetic books, Shigure." Yuki sighed, shaking his head.
"They're novels." He sang in response.
Tôru seemed to have relaxed with the little speech of reassurance and now looked to Shigure with that same beaming smile of unquestioning forgiveness.
"Thank you so much, Shigure. What a nice thing to say although I don't know if I make that big of an impact. I mean all I do is cook and clean and do laundry and make repairs and decorate on holidays and shop and-"
She was amazing. So beautiful and honest and completely unaware of her greatness, Tôru filled Yuki's eyes, occupied his mind and caressed the curves of his soul even if all she did was look at him with those gorgeous eyes. Swallowing a lump that was trying to form hard in his throat, he found himself imagining what she might look like beneath those cute garments of hers. How the contour of her hips would feel in his warm palms, how smooth the milky skin would be. How would she feel in the throws of passion she had never known? In his arms, he would make her feel invincible and maybe finally allow her to believe in everything that she was.
It's impossible. The Zodiac Curse is crueler than it lets on at first. Don't you understand? Unless you love someone who is equally as damned as you are, you can never know the joys of fatherhood, never feel the compliance of a woman's body in a fit of love.
Those words that stung like needles behind his eyes in their utter finality swirled in his mind as he grew dizzy with desire just watching her speak to Shigure. He would never have her and it was slowly driving him to madness.
'What will I do?' He wondered in lifeless silence, his breaths coming a bit short, 'Tôru would not want a man who could not hold her or give her all that humans deserve.'
"Yuki?"
Breaking out of his trance, his thoughts snapping like brittle twigs, Yuki focused his blurry vision until he could see her face clearly.
"Yes, Miss Honda?"
"Would you like to go to the grocery store with me? I'd like to pick up a few things for our special dinner with Hatori and Momiji." Tôru said with a glitter in her eyes that betrayed her excited thoughts about the evening's private festivities with the two other Zodiac members.
"Yes, I'd love to." Yuki agreed happily.
'I love her so much.' He thought as he turned and left the kitchen, moving to the door to slip on his shoes and retrieve his coat, 'Even if we only ever go grocery shopping, at least she is here. As long as she is in my life, I'll find a way to go on.'
Tôru hurried over to him with grocery list in hand, pushing her feet into her shoes and tapping the toes against the floor to have them fit properly. Yuki could not wait to watch her cheeks redden with the cool Autumn breeze or her hair shine with the early morning glow of the sun and relishing in her company and proximity, he opened the door and the two of them headed off into the day together.
