Happy
A/N::: another song-fic type of thing that goes along with Victims of Love. I heard the song and the idea just popped in my head. Hope you enjoy. Am planning for it to have four chapters or something. Also, I'm planning to update Victim soon for all my forgiving readers (I hope).
SONG—Happy by Leona Lewis
Disclaimer::: I do not own the song of the series =/
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Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
"Cammie…" she whispered my name but I didn't want to look up. I knew there were tears in my eyes and I didn't want her to see. Spies were not supposed to cry. Not for any feeble excuse like trying to decide if you should open your heart to someone you don't completely trust and have a 50/50 chance of jeopardizing not only yourself but everyone close to you. Or close my heart and lead a lonely life, throwing myself at the mercy of the foe. "Cameron—"
"I can't, mom. I just… I can't." My voice cracked and I hated how weak I sounded. Here I was, getting all worked up about Zach Goode, the only boy I could relate to, the only one who I could really talk to when I could just say a few words and it'd be over. But life doesn't work that way. Because Karma is a huge pain in the butt. It was that one kid bully who pushes you down every time you land safely when you think your home safe. The kid who stole your lollipop once you get to the middle of a tootsie pop, never tasting the nerve-wracking center. The sniper who shoots you down when you turn the corner as your life flashes before you and the bullet hits home—right at your heart.
"You can Cammie. I've seen you make difficult choices and you've always ended up choosing the right ones. Even as a little girl, you knew to always cut the blue wire in the defuse bombs." Mom cracked a smile and I made the mistake of looking into her eyes. They were pleading and I knew what choice she wanted me to make. It was obvious, the way she was sure I'd pick the right choice. But it was much more than just a few hollow words. It would decide the fate of my future and maybe my child (if I choose to have any).
"This isn't as easy as defusing a bomb, mom," I whisper, wiping the tears away angrily. "Do you see what you're asking me? To choose between my heart and mind and it's tearing me apart! I love Zach!"
She flinches and I see desperation crawl into her eyes. "Honey, this isn't just about you. Think about all of Gallagher. I'm not telling you to choose between the strongest parts of you. Zach… ever since last summer, he can't be trusted. Why do you think he isn't here anymore? He tricked us all, and I know it hurts, Cammie. I'm asking for you to think about others before yourself."
"I've been doing that all my life!" I wail. "I gave up a normal life for one of secrecy! For my country, I have to risk my life. My entire life. I'll never be able to live one like Dee Dee or anyone normal." All for a life I probably would never choose. I didn't say the last part aloud, knowing that if anyone knew I was having second thoughts about this life, I would be seen as a threat or possible flaw.
"Fine." Her voice is so defeated and quiet, I'm sure I hear her wrong. Rachel Morgan doesn't just… give up.
"Wh-what?"
She sighed and looked away. "I said its fine. I doesn't matter that much anyway. You choose what you want, Cammie. I'm just your mother. But let me tell you this, Cameron: you can't have everything you want. Sometimes you should just play it safe and not take chances. Sometimes it's just…best." She smiled regretfully. "I learned that the hard way. Choosing what you win or lose."
I shake my head. "You make it sound like… like meeting dad was a mistake." I tried to stop myself, but the word came out as if I was disgusted. When really, I was just confused and hopelessly stuck.
"It wasn't. Best years of my life, actually. Christian was… my everything. I realized too late though, that you can't get everything you want." She took a deep breath and gave me one of her many charismatic smile. The one where you couldn't help but smile back, even if she was secretly saying that she was turning her back on you until you chose, and only if you chose right. "Choose which ever Cammie. Just remember: sometimes playing it safe can be useful. Sometimes. Not all the times. The rest of the times, you just have to choose between what you win or lose. You can't' get everything." She gave me one last attempt of a smile and then left, leaving me in her office to mull things over painfully.
Don't you take chances
Might feel the pain
I'm here now, lying on my bed, remembering back what my mom had said. I chose, and now I was paying the consequences. Telling Zach I didn't love him was harder than jumping off the Empire State building. And let me tell you, falling to your death hundreds of feet below is freakin' hard.
"I don't love you, Zach," I whisper. "I never did. I was just—"
"Don't," he said, his voice pleading. It tore me apart. "Don't you do this. Telling your friends you don't… you don't have feelings for me is one thing. But lying to my face? Lying to yourself? Don't you do this, Cameron."
"You wouldn't understand," I whisper. "I can't be with you. Even if I wanted to, you're not my prince charming." The look on his face, as if I'd just suckered punch him was heart-wrenching. Watching the boy I do love breaking to pieces in front of me….
"Don't you feel anything, Cameron?" he snapped. He turned and punched the wall hard, making his knuckles bleed. "God, it's like loving a damn wall. You don't tell me anything! You don't even respond to me! What did I do so wrong that you won't even look at me?" I stay silent, looking at the fireplace. "I love you, Cammie. Why can't you see that? Don't you feel anything?" I couldn't take it anymore. Something in me snapped, and I was suddenly on offense.
"What do you want me to say!? That I don't love you!? I don't love you, Zach Goode! Can't you see that? I never did. I never will. Stop trying! I'm not going to bend to your will. I don't feel anything towards you." I regret it as it flows out of my mouth, off my tongue and into the air between us. But I can't stop. The poisonous words keep coming. "I don't love you."
"But I love you!" he says fiercely. It was the first time he ever said it.
I step back, covering my mouth with my hand, wanting him to take it all back. But he won't because he's stubborn Zach, the boy that I love. I almost take it all back. But I don't.
I shake my head, regaining my composure. "No, Zach. You don't. We're just two teenagers who had a short-term fling. You don't love me, and I don't love you." My voice is so flat and monotone, I wonder where this part of me came from. I want to take it all back. But I can't. Because this is my choice. To live a life full of contempt and envy, yet always throwing myself in missions, never caring if I come back. Because I have nothing to come back to, now.
"Cammie, I…"
"I don't love you, Zach. God, just get it through your thick head!"I hiss, turning away just as the tears escape. I make it out of the library before the sobs claw through my throat. I make it to the closest hidden passage before my legs give out from under me.
"What have I done?" I sob. "I'm so sorry, Zach. I'm so sorry…"
I feel a tear slowly find its way to my ear as I recall what happened on that day. It's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done, and I'll regret it every second of my life. I hadn't realized it until after, when I came to my senses and found myself in the secret passage. I slowly realized what I had done, only to throw myself in another crying fit.
I rub the criss-cross scar on my left palm with my thumb, a shameful reminder of how desperate I was to rid myself of this world. Away from Zach, Bex, Zach and Bex. I guess you could say it was rash since I'd done it at three a.m. in our bathroom. Surprisingly, Macey was the one who found me on the floor, unconscious, my blood splayed on the floor. I don't remember anything else from then, nor do I want to. It's a horrible feeling, wanting to die in a pathetic way. To choose to kill yourself is a coward's way, which I realize only now. I'd rather die on a mission then commit suicide.
I heard a faint knock on my apartment door and sat up immediately, squinting at the digital clock. Where had the time gone? It was 7:45, which meant I was late to the rehearsal dinner.
I sighed and flattened my dress, not bothering with my hair. I was late as it was, and not in a good mood either. Which meant I was going to need a taxi.
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I was sitting down, alone, blending in when it happened.
I have never enjoyed weddings. Especially wedding receptions. And apparently, the bride and groom wanted to get us all tipsy because they'd paid for a full bar, which was always my favorite part of a wedding. And now, receptions too.
"Cammie!" I felt my shoulders tense instinctively at the heavy British accented voice. I quickly downed a shot, gritting my teeth against the burning. It was worth it though, when its affect took charge.
I felt a hard tap on my shoulder and turn to see a too giddy Bex and stone face Zach.
"Hey, Bex-a-mil. How's the party?" I say lazily, the words slightly slurred. She scrunched up her perfect nose.
"What do you mean? You should know, silly! You're the maid of honor!" It wasn't until I looked closer that I realized she was a bit tipsy herself, telling by her flushed cheeks and high voice.
"A maid of honor, remember? Mace and Liz are the others." I glance around, only to see said girls mingling with other strangers.
"Oh please, you are my best friend, Chameleon," she said lowly.
"Even after our falling out?" I said, purposely making it uncomfortable. It sobered her up though and she averted her eyes. Zach tugged at his tie.
"Oh Cammie. Why does it all have to go back to that? We were young and hopelessly confused, what with our hormones raging," Bex said, biting her lip, trying to convince herself more than me.
"Yeah, Bex, whatever you say." I smile lopsidedly. "I'd say I'll see you later, but I'd be lying. I think I'm going to go." I pick up my purse, using the high stool I was sitting on to balance myself.
"But the reception just started!" Bex protested. "You can't go already, Cammie! Just because of what happened, that doesn't mean we can't back to the way we were, right?" Her hazel eyes were pleading with mine, but I didn't care. I didn't care for anything at the moment. I felt like I could do anything.
"Nah. I think I've had too much to drink already." I point to the row of small shot glasses to make a point, taking one more to go that the bartender had left. "I'll um, see you guys tomorrow," I walk slowly, trying not to trip on my black heels. When I reach the doorway, I turn back and lean against the double door frame. "Oh, and congrats." It was meaningless even though I tried to put my whole heart (what little of it I have left) into it.
I was walking out of the elevator when he appeared.
He was panting, his tie loose around his neck, his face red from sprinting down ten floors.
"Wait," he panted, "a second, Cameron." I stood there, shocked. I've never seen Zach flustered, but it made him seem more perfect (ironically enough).
I finally regained my composure, making sure I was expressionless before saying, "What do you want, Zach?" I walked around him, walking through the revolving doors, cursing him in French when he stopped it and I banged my head on the glass.
"Dammit Zach," I mutter, rubbing my forehead.
"Aren't you happy for us, Cammie?" he asked in a low voice, which surprised me. Just a second ago he was breathing hard, and now he was all… cool and seductive.
"What gave you that crazy idea?" I say.
"That's exactly what I was expecting," he said. I expected him to smirk, but he just looked pained. "What's up with you? You're acting all cold and ignoring us, Cam."
"Don't Cam me," I snap. "Did you actually think this would help ease the pain? You're loving her in vain, Zach. You're hurting my best friend because you couldn't get what you wanted!"
"You of all people shouldn't be giving me this speech!" His eyes blaze. His fists clench the doors' frame hard. "Don't you think that I've told myself this countless times? God Cameron, do you really take me as a fool?"
I shake my head, refusing to reply. "It won't set you free Zach. This thing you call love isn't going to set you free." I smile bitterly. "Or so I've heard." I push against the door and it comes free. I try to get away but he's right behind me.
"Cammie, you can't do this! You can't keep running from this!"
I whip my head around and regret it instantly when I feel light-headed. "I'm not the one faking everything, Zachary Goode. I'm not the one setting myself up for an ultimate fail. So if you're going to criticize me about running away, then I might as well tell you that you should stop trying to find a cover for yourself that's going to break and hurt everyone you love!" By now we were getting stares, but I didn't care. Even as tears rolled down my cheek, I knew that I had finally let go. It wasn't until I felt my stomach clench that I realized I was letting go too much.
I fell to my knees, thanking god for planting this giant bush here next to my feet. I could feel the bile rising in my throat and realized with shame that I was going to barf in front of all of New York and Zach. Just freaking perfect.
So what do you think? Too long? Too pointless? I updated as soon as I finished since all my loyal fans have waited so long xD so review so I know if I should update this and finish the song-fic. Am hoping for about… 10 reviews? Come on, you know you want to! =P
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