Chapter 1
"Why do you do that Jane?" Maura studied the chess board with a frown on her face. She had watched as Jane passed over a chance at check-mate for another move that would give away her advantage.
"Just habit I guess…" Jane shrugged her shoulders and gave Maura a sheepish smile. She sighed as she looked across the table into the hazel eyes that were filled with concern and a hint of confusion. "Maur…" It was a half-hearted attempt to explain her move, but she knew Maura could see right through it.
With a heavy sigh, Maura ran her fingers through her hair in an effort to distract herself from the soft brown eyes that pleaded for forgiveness. When Jane gave her a crooked smile that caused Maura's stomach to flutter, she picked up her wine glass. She took her time swirling the red wine around in her glass, watching as it climbed higher and higher with each swirl she made before taking a sip. As she looked over the rim of her glass her eyes locked with Janes causing her to swallow hard.
"I just hate to see you hide your intellect away from the rest of the world…especially when you try to hide it from me." The last part came out as a pained whisper.
"I'm sorry Maura, sometimes I forget I can be myself around you." Jane leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. It was a defensive move and she knew it. What she didn't know was why she felt so vulnerable under Maura's gaze. There was just something about the complete trust and understanding she saw looking back at her that turned her insides all warm and fuzzy and in her experience, warm and fuzzy was nothing but trouble. She nervously cleared her throat as Maura continued to watch her intently, not saying anything to fill the silence that had insinuated itself in-between the space that suddenly appeared, pushing them further apart.
The sudden distance that Jane put between them was evident in her body language as Maura watched her lean back and cross her arms. It was something Maura had seen many times before, especially when she thought that Jane might have seen how she was feeling in an expression or unguarded look. 'Feelings...,'' she thought to herself smugly. She had struggled her whole life to find meaning in that one word and until recently she didn't think she ever would. The sound of Jane clearing her throat brought her attention back to the uncomfortable silence.
"I guess I'll just have to keep reminding you." Maura tried to smile but yawned instead.
"I should probably head home." Jane let out a long exhale as fatigue started to overtake her as well.
"You may as well stay…your overnight stuff is in the guest room as well as a couple of your suits I had dry cleaned." Maura stood and picked up her now empty wine glass. Without looking over at Jane she headed towards the kitchen to give Jane a moment to debate with herself about whether she should stay or not. She could just imagine Jane chewing on her bottom lip as she tried to decide what to do and she couldn't help but smile because she already knew what Jane's answer was going to be. It would be 'yes', it always was.
"Hmmm…." Jane chewed on her bottom lip as she thought about how late it already was and how tired she was at the moment. Without moving her head, Jane's eyes followed Maura through lowered eyelashes. She didn't want to give her answer too soon because she didn't want Maura to know how much she wanted to stay. When Maura slipped from her view, Jane let out another long exhale as her body relaxed at the idea that she wouldn't have to leave. "Yeah…okay." She tried to sound casual.
"Good…" Maura slipped up behind Jane, wrapped her arms around her, and placed her cheek against Jane's. She hadn't expected the move to startle Jane as much as it did but when Jane almost jumped out of her chair, she realized her mistake. "Sorry…" She whispered in Jane's ear before releasing her.
"Jesus Maur…you scared the shit out of me!" Jane forced herself to slow down her breathing as her heart hammered in her chest. Of course she tried to tell herself that it had been the surprise of Maura coming up behind her that had her almost jumping out of her chair, but when she felt the soft whisper of 'sorry' breathed against her ear, she knew she was lying to herself. When Maura released her from her hold, Jane suddenly felt alone and in the deep recesses of her mind she wished Maura hadn't let go so quickly.
"I think I'll head up now…" Maura moved to stand near the stairs. "You know the routine." She tried to smile as she watched Jane's mood darken slightly. The touch had been too much, she realized that now as she tried to put some physical distance between them. This is what their relationship had come to as Maura realized with each passing day that her attraction to Jane wasn't lessening. She would open herself up just a little more with each look or seemingly innocent touch and Jane would close herself off, distance herself emotionally. Whether it was unconscious or intentional Maura hadn't decided, but she recognized the signs of a brooding Jane as she watched a shadow of self-doubt flicker across Jane's face.
Jane felt the distance that Maura had put between them the second she moved away and she in a way, she was grateful for it. When Maura had touched her, wrapping her arms around her and holding her, Jane's resolve had almost slipped. Almost. She could feel her mood darkening as confusion and uncertainty filled her thoughts. It was happening a lot lately and Jane's usual go to emotion was anger. She wasn't angry with Maura, but at herself for being such a coward. She couldn't, wouldn't let herself acknowledge her feelings for her best friend. The risk of losing the most important thing in her life was far too great for her to allow her heart to rule her mind.
"Yeah…I know the routine." The words came out in a huff, sounding more like a pout. Jane schooled her features to a neutral expression, immediately regretting the tone of her voice. Their routine was one that would have to be broken on this particular night, not because Jane wanted to, but because she needed to.
Leaning against the railing, Maura watched as a multitude of emotions passed over Jane's face before her expression turned neutral. The mistake had been made and she would have to deal with the consequences on her own. It did however surprise her when Jane responded with a huff and it occurred to her that Jane may be feeling the same sense of loss that she was. With a small nod of her head, Maura turned to make her way up the stairs to her bedroom, alone.
"Ummm…" Maura paused at the top of the staircase. "If you get up before me, please refrain from trying to convince me that your god awful instant coffee is the same as my freshly ground." In the law of averages, Maura knew it was a near impossibility that Jane would be up before her but she just wasn't ready to leave Jane alone with her dark thoughts.
"Yeah…yeah…" Jane said dismissively. "We both know you'll be up before me, you always are." She knew a stalling tactic when she saw it and for some reason it warmed her heart. "I just hope no one gets murdered tonight."
"Well statistically speaking it is probable that someone will get murdered somewhere in the Common Wealth…" Maura started to ramble.
"I know the statistics Maura…I was just hoping to have a solid eight tonight." Jane pushed her dark hair away from her face as she tried to smile. "It's been a rough week…I'm just glad we were able to close the Bennet case before another sleepless night."
"Well…" Maura said holding her hand up in an imaginary toast. "Here's to a solid eight…"
Jane couldn't stifle a chuckle as she watched Maura giving her mock toast. "To a solid eight…" She lifted her hand to imitate Maura's move. Her heart sank though as she watched Maura disappear down the hall at the top of the stairs.
Maura's disappearance caused Jane to feel a sudden loss that had her rethinking their sleeping arrangements. The feeling of Maura curled up against her while they slept was a feeling Jane had come to crave, much to her dismay. The nights she had spent alone at her own apartment or in Maura's guestroom had left her feeling restless and tired the morning after. She had tried to tell herself that it was the nature of their jobs, the horrible and disturbing things they had witnessed together that caused them to seek out the comfort of each other's arms when the darkness descended. It had seemed as natural as breathing to hold Maura in her arms when the nights became almost unbearable and the nightmares too real. Jane tried to convince herself that the comfort they offered each other is what friends did, but she knew she was lying to herself again.
"You're a fucking idiot…" The words came out in a low growl, directed at no one but herself. She didn't want to be alone and she didn't want to be without Maura.
It had been a rough week. The murder they had been assigned was particularly gruesome by Boston PD standards and she had been relieved to put the 'case closed' stamp on it earlier that day. It had been the combined efforts of her extensive knowledge of coding and Maura's knowledge of algorithms that allowed them to trap the murderer in his own game of cat and mouse. Ever since the sudden and tragic loss of her partner and friend Barry Frost, she had had no choice but to begin slowly revealing her technically savvy side. But no one knew the extent of her expertise except her family and now Maura.
Letting out a heavy sigh, Jane pushed away from the table that still played host to their forgotten chess game. She let her eyes roam over the chess pieces and realized how thin her veiled attempt to let Maura win had been. It had become a fun challenge to see how long it would take for Maura to realize Jane was throwing the game. Sometimes Maura would recognize it immediately and sometimes she wouldn't be able to tell, taking her victory as if she had come by it naturally. Jane had been telling the truth when she told Maura it had become a habit to give away her advantage but what she hadn't said was that she liked giving it away to Maura.
A shiver ran through Jane as she contemplated spending the night alone. She looked up at the empty staircase as a longing to close the physical distance between her and Maura almost overwhelmed her. Her contemplative mood suddenly changed back to anger as an internal debated of 'should she or shouldn't she' raced through her mind.
"This is ridiculous…" Jane pushed herself up from her seat to stand. As her internal debate continued, her feet carried her across the room, up the stairs, and down the hall until she found herself standing outside of Maura's closed door. With a resigned sigh, she stood silently outside Maura's bedroom wondering just when her body had hijacked her mind. Her body froze as she continued to quietly contemplate what her next move should be. She knew what her heart wanted, but she wasn't ready to accept that yet.
Maura watched as Jane's shadow moved towards her door and leaked in under the crack at the bottom. She attempted to hold her breath, afraid that Jane might hear her breathing and realize that she was still awake. The knowledge that Jane had come to stand outside her door was a bitter sweet ending to an already long day. Her heart leapt at the thought that Jane had found it in herself to seek out her comfort, but sadness overwhelmed her as she realized she couldn't let Jane in. It was much too dangerous for her already frazzled nerves. She couldn't stop herself from wanting more and she was afraid it would push Jane further away. With a deep sigh of regret, Maura rolled over onto her side facing away from the door. Even though she knew her salvation for the night was just waiting on the other side, she forced herself to give it up. 'Just for tonight…' she tried to tell herself as she closed her eyes and willed herself to go to sleep.
Movement. She thought she heard movement on the other side of the door, but when no other sounds came, Jane knew it was too late. She had missed her chance and Maura was already asleep. "Bonsoir Mon amour…" Jane whispered to the closed door. She had yet to tell Maura that she could speak French fluently. For some reason she wanted to hold onto that little tidbit until she felt it was the right time. But when she pondered when the right time would be, she always got the same snide answer of 'as you're kissing your way down her body…" ringing in her ears. She could feel her cheeks grow warm with a blush as the unexpected image of Maura's body writhing beneath her own came to her mind. Taking a few deep breaths to steady herself, she finally dropped her shoulders in momentary defeat. With legs as heavy as lead, she trudged down the hall towards the guestroom and her unwanted solitude.
'Serves you right…' Jane thought to herself as she slipped into the well-appointed guestroom. A slow, lazy smile creased her lips when she saw a neatly folded tank top and pair of boxers laid out on the bed awaiting her arrival. She ran her fingers over the soft, jersey knit material of the boxers that had become her staple sleeping attire. It amazed her that even the smallest things that Maura did made her feel loved and appreciated even if she didn't think she deserved it. The fact that she was spending less time at her own place and more time making Maura's house her home should have clued her in on how their relationship had begun to slowly change. The unspoken words that passed between them when they thought no one was looking, the need to touch each other in even the smallest ways possible, and the unfathomable fear of loss she felt when Maura wasn't near made Jane's heart ache. It was too late to reverse the effect that Maura's beautiful smile had on her or the way Maura's innocent touch made her skin burn. As her thoughts threatened to weigh her down under a wave of despair and desperation, she could feel herself blinking back tears of frustration.
"I need some sleep…" Jane sighed heavily as the room took on a slightly distorted tilt. Exhaustion was taking hold of her quicker than she had anticipated causing her thoughts to betray her. Her energy depleted body forced her to drop down onto the bed and her last thought as her head hit the pillow was that she hadn't even undressed yet.
Sleep came fast and hard for Jane, but unfortunately it was a restless slumber that continued to batter her already exhausted body. It was the vibration of her cell phone which was nestled within the inside pocket of the jacket she was still wearing that had her sitting straight up in a panic.
"Rizzoli!" She all but shouted into the receiver of the phone that was beginning to slip through her sleep deprived fingers. "Yeah…yeah…be there as soon as I can…" She mumbled sleepily as she tossed the phone down towards the end of the bed. Pushing her tangled mess of dark hair away from her still blurry eyes, she was surprised to see Maura standing in the doorway. As her eyes finally adjusted to the dimly lit room she couldn't help but smile at the sleep mused form of Maura who was bathed in the soft light coming in from the hallway.
"So much for a solid eight…" Maura yawned and stretched her arms over her head.
"What time is it?" Jane asked as she moved to sit on the edge of the bed. She rubbed the back of her hand over her heavy eyes before attempting to read the bright numbers of the clock on the night stand.
"It's 3:42…" Maura yawned again.
"Well, I guess a solid four will have to do." Jane jumped up as she gathered what was left of her already depleted energy. "Duty calls…see you downstairs in fifteen?" She asked over her shoulder as she headed towards the bathroom.
"Not if I see you first…" Maura quipped as she staggered back to her room to get ready all the while trying to delate the image of on very adorably rumpled Detective Rizzoli from her mind.
