I'd like to think that I have a good life.

Actually no, scratch that; I have a GREAT life. And I'm not saying that to brag or anything, but rather to point out that I am well aware that I'm the last guy who should be complaining about anything.

Granted it wasn't easy at first, a bit of a rough start to be honest. Fortunately I had a mother who was both caring and dedicated enough to make sure that I never went hungry. We didn't have many—or any for that matter—luxuries but we made by. I was gifted with smarts, but at the same time I was raised to appreciate the value of hard work, and because of these two things I was able to excel in school and graduate as valedictorian. I got accepted into a more than decent university where I met a lot of friends and I found my passion for designing, both on paper and electroncally, and through hard work and determination I managed to graduate with honors and a degree in design, specializing in web and graphic design. Not only that, but some scouts for a major company picked me up soon after that and I managed to prove myself to them and their higher ups as an asset for your company. Now I have my dream job as a marketing design, where I get to work at home and pretty much set my own hours. I get paid more than enough for it, to the point where I managed to pay off my student loans by myself. Not only that, but I also manage to make some work on the side through commissions such as electronic portrait, web designing, etc. I have my circle of friends with whom I get along with and I even get time to myself every now and them. So yeah, to saw that my life is "good" would be an understatement. My life is great.

There's just one problem: my love life is shit.

Wait, that's not true; if it were shit that would imply that I had a love life at all to begin with. Truth is, my love life is non existent. You ever see that sitcom about the "nerds" facing wacky every day situations in the "real life" with catchphrases and shit like that? (For the life of me I can't remember what it's called) You know the one thick glasses, bad hair, and several game and comic t shirts? Take away the god awful laugh track and the perky blonde neighbor and it would be just a awkward and depressing mess. So yeah, my love life in a nutshell.

Now I know what you're thinking: "oh boo fucking hoo, you're biggest problem in life is that you can't get a date. I have debts out my ass and I have to eat cat food to get by." I know, I know, my life problems are trivial when you really look at them: and for the most part I don't dwell on them that much. I just live my life and enjoy it to the fullest. It's just...well it's hard not to think about it when your friends and family constantly point it out. "When are you getting a girlfriend? Why aren't you putting yourself out there? Are you gay? You can tell us, we won't judge." And when I try to fix it, it goes...wrong. Like horribly, horribly wrong. On the several occasion I tried talking to a girl I have stuttered myself into a compromising situation, completely froze until she left awkwardly, shattered a wine glass in my hand requiring stitches, and even fell down and hit my head against a table.

And those were the good ones.

Now this is usually the part where the "nice guy" complains about how society is to blame and how all women can't see their great qualities because they just want some over muscled jerk to treat them like shit, but I like to think I'm not like that; really I got no one else to blame but myself for the predicament I'm in. I'm not going to pin my problem on women, what the hell did they ever do to me? My problems are my own, and I've come to terms with that.

It's just...well...

Just because I've come to terms with it doesn't mean I don't get lonely...


"To the greatest graphic designer this side of town!" Tom laughed while raising his beer. The other guys cheered and laughed as the did the same, all while patting me in the back.

"Guy, guys, please. You're embarrassing me," I laughed shaking my head, "you're making a big deal out of it."

"That's because it is a big deal ya dick!" Hector laughed clinking his bottle with mine, "you just designed the new company logo for the biggest electronics distributor in the tri state area. You just landed a five figure paycheck in a week."

"And as your friends it's our jobs to make sure that you spend that money wisely. By the way, you're paying for these drinks," Gus ruffled my hair playfully.

"Whatever would I do without friends like you guys?" I chuckled amused pushing my hair that had fallen in front of my eyes, "but seriously though, was there any need for us to come here to celebrate?"

"What are you talking about, this place is great," Tom gestured at the lounge around us. I had to admit, it was a nice bar and lounge. Calm ambience, smooth jazz in the background, a fully stocked bar, and the décor was gorgeous.

"I'm not saying it's bad: hell this is probably the best place I've hung out with you guys in a while."

"Hey, what about my apartment last week?" Gus asked indignantly.

"Sorry let me rephrase that; this is the best place I've hung out with you guys."

"Blow me," Gus punched my arm as the other guys laughed.

"I'm just saying we could have easily had this celebration at my place. Pulled out some beers from the fridge, order some food, play some video games before passing out. I appreciate you guys doing all of this for me, but you really didn't have to."

The guys didn't say anything, instead giving each other sly smiles and doing their best to hold in their laughs.

"Guys...what is going on?" I asked, my suspicion rising.

"There might be...another reason why we brought you here," Hector said while giving me the biggest shit eating grin.

"What are you—"

"You're getting laid tonight man!Woooh!" Tom cheered.

"WHAT?! You can't be serious!" I started to panic, "oh god...oh god."

"Guys why don't you leave us alone for a while," Hector said to the others, "you know, before you guys cause him to pass out."

"No problem. Anyway, congrats man, see you later," Gus patted my back.

"Here," I felt Tom's hands move to my shirt pocket and putting something in, "you'll thank me later," he said with a wink before he and Gus left the lounge.

"I can't believe you guys did this..." I muttered, wringing my hands tightly.

"Look I know you've had bad luck with women before, and I know you said that you were going to deal with this by yourself; but we both know that's just a load of horse shit. If we left it up to you, you'd just end up couped up in your apartment alone for the rest of your life. You need help, and as your friends it's our job to help you."

"Like the time you set me up with your cousin Maria?"

"Yeah what happened there? The day after your date she called and yelled at me through the phone for 15 minutes straight before hanging up on me. I barely understood a word she said."

"Let's just say the date went up in flames," I muttered embarrassed.

"Oh come one I'm sure you're just exaggerating."

"I wasn't; I literally set her dress on fire by accident after knocking over the candle at out table."

"Jesus Christ dude..."

"Would you believe me if I said that was the highlight of the night?"

"Okay look, it doesn't matter. That was my mistake, I realize that now. I was trying to set you up with someone I thought you would like, and that turned out horribly. But tonight's going to be different. This time you're going to pick the girl."

"Oh do explain," I said sarcastically.

"Look at this place: it's exactly the kind of setting that you like. Sociable, but not jammed packed with people. Quiet and classy ambience, meaning you won't be dealing with coked up airheads. And music that is more for a nice relaxing conversation rather than random grinding and macking. This place causes people like you to be comfortable, lower their guard. You're bound to find someone that more your speed here."

"So your expecting me to find someone "like me" and that I will somehow magically convince this person "like me" to come home with me? Do you not see the flaw in that plan?"

"Look, forget about Tom said. He's just busting your balls like usual. I'm not saying you have to bang someone tonight, but maybe just meet a nice girl, buy her a drink, strike a pleasant conversation and maybe get her number. There's more to dating than sex you know."

"Not according to Tom apparently."

"Tom's a dick and we both know it," he said laughing, "look, we've know each other since fresh men year in college. You're a great guy, maybe a little shy and awkward, but a great guy none the less; and I know for a fact that you do want some sort of relationship in your life. We all do, it's in our nature. So let me help you."

"I-I don't know man."

"Look just take your time, I'll leave you so that you can plan out your next move. Just give it a shot, you've got nothing to lose," he patted my shoulder before getting up and walking towards the exit.

"What makes you think I won't just leave once you're gone?"

"Well you could, but it's going to be a bit hard without your car," he grinned holding up a familiar set of keys in his hand. I quickly checked my pocket only to find that my keys weren't gone.

"I could just call a cab."

"Check your other pocket."

I did, finding only my credit card. I looked up and saw him holding my wallet in his other hand.

"Oh you mother fucker..."

"We'll send a paid cab in an hour; until then go and mingle!" He laughed before bolting out the bar.

"God dammit," I groaned burying my face in my hand. I seriously considered just walking out the place and making my way through twenty city blocks in order to get home. Couldn't be any worse than this right? I mean between getting mugged and possibly stabbed or trying to talk to a girl, the former one would probably be less hazardous to my health.

"I need a drink," I said to myself while heading to the bar. I pulled out my credit card and gestured the bartender, "could I have a shot please?"

"A shot of what?"

"I don't care, just bring me something and leave the bottle. I think I might need more," he shrugged and pulled out a blue bottle and a small shot glass. After he was done pouring I gulped it down in one go, ignoring the burning sensation it left on my throat and stomach. I handed him my card, "just put it there. The whole thing; give yourself a 50% tip too."

"You got it boss," he said, his tone changing completely after that last part.

One hour. I just need to stay here for an hour and then I can leave. Hopefully. All I need to do is stay here for an hour before that asshole sends a cab.

Although...maybe it wouldn't hurt to try talking to someone...

I took a look around and saw that the place had a variety of people, both men and women, hanging around. Some were talking, some were dancing, and some were just chilling. The atmosphere was calm, a slight hint of formal to it but not suits and cocktail dresses type of formal. I looked down to see my own slacks and black polo; perhaps not the best outfit for the occasion, but certainly not the worst. Probably could have combed my hair a little better, or at all for that matter. Maybe put on my contacts, even if I hate the damn things.

Okay just stay calm, I thought pouring myself another shot gulping it down. I grimaced at the taste and leaned onto the bar, spreading my arms and grabbing the edge, just walk up to someone and start talking to them. Just, talk to a girl. I can do this.

My grip tightened on the bar.

I can...do this?

My knuckled where practically white at this point.

Oh god...I can't do this...

"Hi there!"

I spun around only to see a young girl smiling at me. She was about half a head shorter than me, fair skinned, short brown hair, and emerald eyes. She was wearing a red cocktail dress that ended slightly above her knee and hugged her figure closely.

Wait is she talking to me? Oh god she´s talking to me. Just...say something...SAY SOMETHING YOU IDIOT!

"HI HELLO!" I blurted out loudly.

…..

…...

You goddamn moron...

"Wow okay," she laughed nervously, "could I get you to maybe take it down a notch? I´m right here."

I'm gonna fuck up, I'm gonna fuck up, I'm gonna fuck up, I'm gonna fuck up...

I could practically feel the sweat pouring down my back and my legs start to shake.

"S-sorry I-I just don't t-talk to many girls," I managed to choke out.

"Well you're talking to one now champ. My name is Kyu; nice to meet you," she smiled sweetly.

"I-I-I..."

"What about you? What's your name?" She asked.

"I...I literally can't remember my name right now..."

YOU FUCKING FAILURE!

"Riiiiight. We'll try that again later," she as her tone changed to one of concern, "look dude, are you going to be all right? Looks like you're having some trouble holding it together."

"Oh, no I just...uhh I just," I swallowed nervously.

Look if she still here after all that shit it means you still have a chance. Just offer her a drink. OFFER HER A DRINK!

"Drink! I mean, do you like drink? To drink? I have drink, here..."

Just kill me, just kill me, just kill me...

"Sure, sounds great! Why don't you pour yourself one two, looks like you need it more than I do," she giggled.

"Right, right!" I forced a laugh while grabbing the bottle. Unfortunately I my grip was shaking so when I brought it forth I dropped it on the floor, causing it to shatter and spill everywhere. Kyu yelped in shock and jumped back, catching everyone's attention.

"What that fuck man my floor!" The barman yelled.

"Sorry sorry! I'll clean it up!" I grabbed some napkins and began to mop up the mess furiously.

"Here let me help," Jyu bent down in front of me.

"No, no, it's fine. I got this," I shook my head as I continued to mop furiously, "just...don't worry I got this...I'll be with you in a moment."

And then a condom fell out of my shirt pocket and onto the floor, right in between us.

I swear the entire lounge when dead quiet, and it felt like every pair of eyes was upon me. If it weren't for the strong smell of alcohol inches away from me, I would have probably passed out from sheer shame.

"Here. You'll thank me later."

Goddammit Tom...

Kyu picked up the codom and held it up, giving me a sly smile, "planning on getting lucky tonight champ?"

...that's it I'm done.

I got up and grabbed my card from the bar, ignoring the death glare the bartender was giving me. The girl looked up at me, giving me a sympathetic look, "hey man I didn't—"

"Sorry I should just go," I mumbled, my face crimson red from embarrassment. I made my way through the lounge doing my best to ignore the stares and snickering around me.

I'm going home. I don't care if I have to walk twenty blocks, I'm getting out of here.

I stepped outside to the sound of thunder above me. I looked up just in time for a massive downpour of rain to come crashing down hard with not sign of stopping.

"Really? That all you got? Why not add something else?! There is no way this night can get any worse! Try me!"

And then a car whizzed by splashing water and mud all over me, including my still open mouth.

"….WELL FUCK YOU TOO ASSHOLE!" I yelled flipping both birds to the sky.

And with that I stormed back home.


After the hour long walk in the rain I managed to get back into the apartment and take the elevator to the penthouse where I live; a lot of people would argue that renting a place like that is just an excuse to flaunt how much money I have, and to those people I say "feel free to blow me." It's my money and if I want a nice apartment, I'll pay for a nice apartment.

Anyway I tossed my soaked clothes in the washer and decided to leave them there for the night. I got into the shower and turned the hot water on, not wanting to get pneumonia anytime soon. Though after tonight dying doesn't seem all that bad.

Why am I so bad at this? I sighed and turned off the water, grabbing my towel and drying myself off, maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I am gay; I always did think Hector was hot for a guy.

I tried picturing that scenario but shook my head, realizing that wasn't the case.

I guess I just suck at girls. Maybe I should write a book with that title...nah, it probably wouldn't be that good.

I put on a dry pair of boxers when I thought I heard something on the balcony. I stepped out of the bathroom and headed to the balcony, noticing that the sliding door was slightly opened. I checked outside only to be greeted with darkness. Shrugging my shoulders I closed the door and locked it before heading to my room and jumping into my king size bed and tossed my glasses onto the night table, not even bothering to put on my night pants. Fuck it, I was exhausted.

Besides, I yawned and closed my eyes as I slid under the covers, it's not like anyone's here to see me...


Author's note: okay so I can explain.

I was working on the other two Fire Emblem when my boss said, "hey we need you to go abroad to this conference." So I said yes and seeing how I had A LOT of waiting time between flights I decided to bring my copy of Fire Emblem to play. I was in the final level of Birthright and I figured I'd finish it and then start Conquest the next day.

It took my 23 tries to finally beat that level. TWENTY. THREE. TRIES. The amount of bullshit I suffered those 23 times would have been enough to fertilize a god damn compound. If it weren't for the fact that I was playing a limited edition game on a limited edition 3DS, I would have smashed the thing with a hammer. But I'll talk about the game later.

So I needed a break. I'm not going to give up on my fics or Fire Emblem for that matter. I just...I needed something to cool me off. I needed something that I could work on with no limitations, where I could just write however I wanted without worrying about how it turns out.

Enter this abomination: a Huniepop fanfic shot in first person point of view that is just as vulgar and crude and the game. From now on this will be my therapeutic fic. Whenever I need some release, I'll write this. Just don't expect much. It's going to be mostly based on the game and it's dialogue choices with some creative liberties for the narrative to flow. It's going to be rude, it's going to be crude, and it's going to be lewd. So mature rating.

Anyway you know the drill. Leave comments, critiques, suggestions, and whatever else you want. Bye