What happened to me? I used to smile...I used to feel the sun on my face when I would walk outside. Now, I feel nothing. Where did I go wrong? I mean, I know I've been through a lot, and people haven't always treated me great, but I didn't think it would ever get to me the way it has. Sometimes I just go for long walks and cry as I think about my life and who and what I've lost. The most precious thing that I ever had was just taken away from me. And sometimes I think, why did she leave me? She said that no matter what, I would always be able to hold her, to talk to her, but where is she now? She's no where to be found.

I feel so screwed up inside, like nothing even matters anymore. I don't eat, I barely sleep and when I do I'm woken up by nightmares that I just can't escape. I just see her face, that cold, white expression that gives me chills down my spine. I could tell that she felt pain and there was nothing that I could do. Why didn't I stop him? Why didn't I stop him 5 years ago? I knew there was something not entirely right with him. Who am I kidding...there was nothing I could do. Thinking that I could have stopped him is just stupid. But I feel like I still could have done a better job being her bodyguard. I mean, how could I just stand there and watch my loved one die? I was in so much shock and I knew that there was nothing that I could do now. She was gone. I still can't really believe it. It feels as if it was all just a horrible dream- that shes' gone somewhere and will be back soon, but that's just not my reality. She's completely gone, and I want to just forget, I really do. I want to forget that I ever loved. Forget that I ever held her hands and kissed her sweet lips. I've felt depressed about things before, especially before I met her. But this is just too much to bare. No one even knows how I feel, they all think that I'm this strong person with no feelings. Someone who never loved anyone, or who doesn't need love. No one understands me, no one but her. I'm so lost, and there's nothing that I can do about it.

Tifa called me the other day. She asked me how I was doing, and I said that I'm fine. She could tell I was lying, and asked me why I was lying. I told her that I wasn't lying and that if she wanted to talk to me, she should just talk. She got angry with me and told me that I need to stop being selfish and only thinking about myself when there are people alive who still care about me. She hung up and I just didn't care what she had to say. I put down my phone and just pretended like she never called. I've started to get sick of her always trying to take care of me, and make me feel bad that I don't talk to her like I used to. It's like she doesn't even care about Aerith. Like she's glad she's gone now. I'm sick of how she acts, but I can't just completely cut her off. She has always been there for me, but she is just too much sometimes. Whatever, all I really care about is Aerith, and I just wish there was some way to get her back. If there was just something that I could do to see her face again, in the flesh. I'd do anything. It seems like there is just no hope. I need to hold her in my arms again, because if I don't, my life is just gonna dissolve into particles of loneliness and hate for everyone around me.