She looked out the window as water droplets dripped down the glass pane. Forks couldn't have been more opposite than her sunny Phoenix paradise, but yet it seemed to mirror the depression her soul seemed to be consumed in. It had just been 2 weeks since her mother's brutal murder and it felt like the longest 2 weeks in her life.
The mere acts of getting dressed seemed to take all the bit of energy she had left, so her days have blurred into one long mental dissociation. Wake up, stare at ceiling. Get dressed, stare at wall. Go to sleep, stare into the darkness.
Shock. The several neurologists, doctors and therapists she had seen in the few weeks following the murder all came to the same conclusion. She was in shock. She would have told them that without the hefty medical bills, but talking was too formidable a task. Her latest appointment with Dr. Cullen yielded the same results as the 3 before him; perhaps her father would give up the quest for an answer he would never get. Or perhaps her life would now be filled with doctor appointments asking her questions she was never planning on responding too.
She pressed her forehead to the glass allowing the coolness of it to chill her.
It wasn't just that she was now mute, she was also insane.
The red eyes of her mother's attacker haunted her whenever she shut her eyes.
But red eyes with those swollen black pupils were impossible said Neurologist #2 and #3. It was just her imagination said doctor #4. She was too in shock to handle the truth and made up her own reality doctor #1 pressed. They said the same thing, she was in shock. But it wasn't shock. She knew what she saw. She could remember the outline of the man's horrible face. His golden hair, curled ends sticking out of his Stetson, his blood red eyes boring into hers almost viscerally violent, she will never forget the look on his face as he peered at her while draining her mother dry.
And because she knew this, she also knew she was insane. She realized how illogical and impossible her memories were and with that conclusion of she resigned herself to her clear insanity.
It didn't bother her as she thought it should. But nothing bothered her anymore. How could it? Tearing a hole in her jeans or doing badly in school had a level of comedy about it compared to her past month. She was unsure if anything would bother her ever again.
She peered into the woods, allowing her thoughts to drift away and watched where the sun would have set if it was not covered by large grey clouds.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
The monotony of obscenities rolling through my head was making Edward's head hurt. I'd apologize but I was too goddamn fucked to have any other response.
Carlisle was looking over at me, eyes full of disapproval, while his emotions wreaked havoc on my psyche. Love, betrayal, hurt, hope, he was full of conflicting emotions which made my head hurt.
Fuck.
Edward sighed and glared at me.
Fuck.
I hadn't meant to kill that woman in Arizona. More importantly, I hadn't meant to get caught. But caught I got. And fucked I was.
Her daughter came in right as I was divulging into my meal and in my own horror, saw myself in her eyes. I was a monster. I knew it. She saw it. Now I'm paying for it.
It had been a routine trip to visit my family when I caught her scent. Blood and perfume and something irresistibly sweet. My singer. My goddamn singer. Why the fuck hadn't Alice seen that?
Edward growled.
I rolled my eyes. Come the fuck on, like you haven't wondered why your mate didn't see this coming?
Edward glared but stopped growling.
Carlisle cleared his throat interrupting our mental conversation. "We have few options right now. We need to leave as soon as you all can pack. Bella is traumatized and in shock but has seen Jasper and in a town as small as this, it's only a matter of time before she runs into him."
I kept my eyes down.
"No one blames you Jasper" Esme cooed. Only a mother would love such a monster. Her emotions were compassionate and maternal. I would expect nothing else from the woman who has cared for me half a century.
I kept my eyes down unable to receive the love she wanted to lavish upon me. I blamed myself and that was good enough. I had gone ten years without slipping up. Ten long, agonizing years, and to mess up so fucking astoundingly took my breath, had I any, away.
"We haven't been to the East coast in a few decades and it's always so lovely this time of year." Esme continued. She had the distinct ability to look positively on any situation which is why, he assumed, she was able to take in someone so endlessly monstrous into her family. Only someone so passionately hopeful couldn't see what he was when he knew damn well everyone else in his family saw the beast in him.
The fire and anger that rolled off of Rosalie was apparent, even without an empathic ability. Her eyes shone as if fire lit behind them. "I. Don't. Want. To. Move."
It took all vampire ability to not roll his eyes at the childish confession. She had every right to be mad.
Carlisle looked apologetic but didn't remiss; "Let's not make this more difficult than it already is. We can leave tomorrow morning and send for anything we need."
"Why doesn't HE just leave? We've only just got here, I'm sick of moving all the damn time!" Rosalie's voice was raising to an uncomfortable octave.
Not looking up, I nodded my head. "Yea, I can do that."
Esme turned and looked steely at him then to Rosalie. "We are a family and we will not separate over this." She paused, "Understood?"
Rosalie glared but nodded with vampiric speed. I nodded with less resolution. I agree with Rosalie. Unlike my siblings, I have no mate to keep me here. Just fuck ups and disgrace. What would it hurt if I left for a few years? We have all the time in the world, what's a decade to a vampire.
Edward cocked his head towards me and I sighed.
Just let me go man, I need time away as much as this family needs a break.
His emotions were stoic. I couldn't discern what he was going to do. The fucker was much better at hiding his feelings than I was my thoughts.
He raised an eyebrow at me.
Dammit.
"Excuse me please." I got up quickly and was out of the house before anyone could argue further.
