One Punch Man
-VS-
FanfictionDotNet
Los Angeles, California
FanfictionDotNet Headquarters
Sing Lee sat at his desk in a stuffy LA server room, surrounded by ceiling-high computer towers. As the owner of FanfictionDotNet, he could have had his own spacious, air-conditioned office. But he liked being close to his prized baby, so he opted for the stuffy server room instead.
Sing's desktop computer was opened to the site's support email, which was receiving new complaints by the second. He spun his pen between his fingers. Sometimes he just liked to sit and watch the number of emails in the spam folder climb and climb. After all, that's where all the complaints were automatically filtered to.
The wall directly across from him abruptly caved inwards, causing Sing to start and let his pen fly from his fingers. Chunks of drywall and plaster spilled into the server room, a cloud of rubble obscuring what remained of the opposite wall. When the dust settled, a bald man dressed in a yellow suit, red gloves, and white cape stood in the gaping hole.
Sing narrowed his eyes at the intruder. "What're you supposed to be? MgRonald's mascot?"
The unwelcome entrant wasn't pleased. He huffed his way over to the desk, bringing his finger down on Sing's notepad.
"Are you kidding me?" he breathed in irritation. "I'm Saitama! Though in internet circles I'm known by the affectionate nick-name One Punch Man. I've got a few problems I'd like to discuss with you about your... site."
Sing Lee pushed his glass back up the bridge of his nose. "I don't see why you had to go to the trouble of punching through the wall to complain about something. Why didn't you email?"
"Because believe it or not, running here from Japan is faster. Plus I have the sneaking suspicion that all my requests have been going to your spam section."
Sing quickly closed Fanfiction's support email.
"Now stop trying to change the subject. As a user and primary character of your site, I have many grievances with the way you run things." He extended a red gloved finger for each new issue he brought up. "One: reviews randomly stop working. I go to all the trouble of writing "lol moar plz cant w8" only for my review to not show up! Two: the site intermittently goes down with no explanation! I've visited IsItDownRightNowDotcom more than I've visited Fanfiction! Three: that great purge of M-rated material that happened several years ago—don't think I've forgotten! If that ever happens again, I'll lose all my favorite Saitama x Tatsumaki lemons. Four: removing the ability to link to sites. I can't even link to FanfictionDotNet without it getting removed! I've gotta spell out Dot so you don't censor your own name! Five: never answering my email complaints. I recall this one story whose title and description were written in Spanish. Not that that's a problem, mind you—it's written in ALL CAPS. LIKE HIS CAPS-LOCK KEY IS BROKEN. EXCEPTO ES EN ESPAÑOL. I wrote him two anonymous reviews—I even took the trouble of translating them to Spanish when I shouldn't even know English—reminding him that it's against the rules to write in all caps. He deleted both of them. So I reported his story to your moderators! And you know what? NO ACTION!"
"Now now, Mr. Saitama. Please understand that our moderators only operate on the biggest, most important archives: Harry Potter, Naruto, Twilight, etc. What section are you complaining about again?"
"My section: One Punch Man. Oh, and another thing; over a quarter of the stories have me paired with my student Genos! Can you believe that?! And he's a cyborg! He doesn't even have a—"
While the yellow spandex-wearing superhero raged on and on at Sing, he navigated through a few traffic tabs and arrived at One Punch Man's archive. He smiled confidently and waved Saitama off. "Oh shut up already. You really think we care about such a small archive? You've barely got 500 stories in there! What a puny fandom you are. Come back and complain when you've broken 10k fics: then we might listen."
Gnashing his teeth and forming tell-tale shadows across his grimacing face, Saitama reached across the desk and grabbed Sing Lee by his fancy white collar. "Now you listen here! My archive may be puny, but I sure pack a punch! I'll forgive you for not hearing about me, but just know I got my name because I can destroy any enemy with a single punch."
"H-help!" Sing squeeked. "Assault! Battery! FanMecha, protect me!"
Behind Saitama, the server computers roared to life. He turned just in time to see the tower boxes fold and rearrange themselves into a tall robot that scraped the ceiling with its head. It flexed its boxy arms before assuming a fighting stance towards Saitama.
Our hero narrowed his eyes back at Sing Lee, who was sweating nervously. "Maybe it's best I don't unleash my wrath on you. I'd never hit a civilian, no matter how sketchy a website they run. I guess I'll take my anger out on Fanfiction's servers instead."
He released Sing, who sat back in his office chair and wheeled himself away from the combatants. "H-ha! We'll just see if you can beat FanMecha! Our boys over at the Gundam archive constructed him!"
Saitama cracked his knuckles, grinning as he strolled towards the hulking robot. "Get ready for a disappointment, then."
But before delivering what was sure to be the robot's death-blow, Saitama pivoted his head to address the audience.
"Oh, and the 20-or-so readers who are viewing this fic should know this; after I deliver this punch, FanfictionDotNet may very well cease to exist. I'm winding up for the punch that will end all punches, unseen before in the anime, manga, or original webcomic. Hell, even the video game. I haven't ever unleashed a slammer this powerful, for fear of destroying earth and the surrounding solar system. Before continuing to the next chapter, I must warn you to save all work open on your computer, save all tabs open on your web browser, or backup the mobile device you're viewing this on. Like seriously, you do not want to click on the next chapter link."
FanMechacrossed his arms impatiently. In a synthesized voice he complained, "Aw go ahead and hit me alrea—"
