Author's Notes: This is set a couple of weeks after Countdown but it isn't the typical Countdown fic. I am all for the stories where they realize how they are meant for each other but this is not that. I got this idea when I noticed a lot of character death stories and it just wouldn't leave me alone. This is not a happy fluff story but give it a chance, you might like it. There will be quite a bit more later, but I haven't gotten that finished quite yet. Most of it has been sketched out but it's still pretty rough right now. I wanted to get it posted before the next episode aired.


Monday morning dawned just like every other morning for the 12th precinct, or so it seemed at least. Castle was in LA to watch the filming of Nikki Heat and to do a couple of book signings while he was there. Lanie walked into the bullpen with Esposito wanting to talk to Beckett first thing.

"Hey Lanie," Ryan called out as he walked out from the break room. Glancing at Beckett's desk, Ryan asked. "Where's Beckett?"

"You don't think she flew off to LA with Castle do you?" Esposito asked with a smile.

"I know he asked," Lanie said.

"Really?" Ryan was surprised.

"Why does that surprise you? You know how Writer Boy feels about her."

"True, but she would have told us if she left."

"You three my office now," announced the Captain from his office.

Lanie looked at Esposito and knew that something was not right. He took her hand, feeling a sense of dread himself. They walked in and Lanie sat down with Esposito behind her, hands lightly resting on her shoulders.

"What's wrong, Captain?" Ryan asked.

"You know how Kate has been seeing Lockwood each week?" All three nodded. "It seems that he finally gave her some sort of clue or something."

"That's great," said Esposito.

"Turns out, it was a trap."

"A trap," Lanie said weakly.

"She called me to say that Lockwood said something that gave her an idea but she wouldn't tell me what it was. All she said was, 'It's big.'" Montgomery stopped to take a deep breath. "She was driving back when her car was run off the road."

Lanie gasped and reached for Esposito's hand, he held on tight.

"Her car exploded and well, there is no way she could have survived."

"What can we do, sir?" Ryan asked, his voice clearly struggling to remain on an even keel.

"Nothing."

"But, sir. This is Beckett."

"I know but it happened outside our jurisdiction. State police is handling this. They have already notified her father but I am going to go now to talk to him. Esposito, can you call Castle?"

Esposito closed his eyes and took a breath, "Captain…"

"Esposito, he needs to hear this from a friend, not on the news. This is going to hurt him bad enough. He's in LA, give him about an hour or so then call him. The press hasn't broken the story yet but they will soon. Ryan, see if you can find his mother and Alexis. They need to hear it from a friend too."

"Yes, sir."

"Use my phone if you want. I'll make an announcement to the precinct when I get back from talking to her father."

"He doesn't know yet?" Esposito asked.

"State police talked to him last night before they called me."

x-x-x-x

"Esposito, you do realize that I'm in LA. I can't come to the crime scene right now," Castle said sleepily as he answered his phone.

"Yeah, bro. I know."

"Why are you calling anyway? Beckett always calls," Castle asked rubbing his eyes.

"Something's happened, Castle."

"Is Alexis okay?" he asked suddenly awake and throwing the covers off his bed.

"She's fine, so is your mother," he assured his friend before his voice dropped. "It's Beckett."

"What happened? She's okay, right?"

"Castle, I'm sorry," Esposito apologized as he tucked Lanie a bit closer to his side.

"Sorry?" he asked confused.

"She died last night," Esposito finally admitted.

"She d-," he stopped not able to even say that word. "No, you have to be wrong."

"I wish I was, bro," Esposito said wrapping his arms tighter around Lanie as she turned to sob into his chest.

"But-" Castle still couldn't speak or think clearly but able to hear the soft sobs through the phone.

"You need to come home now, Castle. Call me with your flight number and someone will be there to pick you up."

x-x-x-x

"What's up, Rick?" Paula asked noticing his red-rimmed eyes and disheveled appearance. "Is there a reason that you are pounding on my door this early?"

"There's an emergency at home. I need to get back. Now."

"Alexis?" she asked worried.

"I just need to get home. Get me a flight; private, commercial, I don't care. I'll catch a cab and go to the airport. Text me the flight info as soon as you get it," he said and he was already headed out the door.

Rick made it to the airport and before he knew it, he was through security and waiting to board his plane. He sent a text to Esposito with his flight information; he didn't think he wanted to talk to him right now. Minutes later though, his phone rang.

"Dad." Even through a tenuous cell phone connection he could hear the tears in his daughter's voice.

"Hey pumpkin. I'm on the way home. I just sent Esposito a text with my flight info."

"I know. He and Detective Ryan are here."

"Are you at home?"

"No, at the school still but I'll be going home in a bit. I wanted to talk to you first. Are you okay?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "My flight is boarding, so I need to go. I'll be home as soon as possible. I love you, pumpkin."

"I love you too Daddy."

He sadly hung up the phone and rushed to board the plane only to just sit and wait until the rest of the plane boarded. He now had time to think and that wasn't what he needed right now. He thought about last month when they had faced certain death several times but against all odds, they pulled through. Why did he never tell her how he felt then? Sure, she was with Josh and she had talked about how they had a chance at something but he knew that he should have still told her. He knew that he would regret that for the rest of his life.

In a surprisingly short time, it seemed, they were getting ready to land. The flight attendant tapped him on the shoulder and said that Paula had arranged for him to get off the plane first and that there was going to be someone waiting for him to get him to the baggage claim or where ever else he needed to go. A short time after landing, Castle was greeted by Ryan.

"Hey Castle. Do you have any bags?"

"No," he responded as they walked to Ryan's car parked just in front of the doors.

"What happened?" Castle asked after they got out of the craziest of the airport traffic.

"Captain said she went to see Lockwood. He told her something but it was a trap. On the way back, someone ran her off the road."

"Who was it?"

"We don't know. The captain said she wouldn't tell him what Lockwood told her over the phone. We aren't working the case so we don't know much."

"Why aren't you working the case?" Castle asked surprised.

"State Police has jurisdiction."

"And Montgomery is letting them take it?" Castle asked astonished.

"He has no choice. God knows I want to work this but even I know we are too close to this."

Castle slumped in his seat, defeated, staring unseeing out the window for a while before he spoke again. "Has anyone talked to her dad?"

"State police told him last night and Montgomery went over there this morning to talk to him."

"First his wife, then his daughter," Castle's voice broke as he just shook his head. He hoped that Jim Beckett was strong enough to get through this but, honestly, no father is supposed to outlive his child. He himself didn't know what he would ever do if something bad happened to Alexis.

Ryan pulled his car into the garage and was not surprised when Castle bolted out the door before he even put the car into park. Ryan watched sadly as his friend ran to the elevator most likely to go hug his daughter. He pulled out his phone and called Esposito that Castle was on the way. Hanging up the phone, he slowly walked to the elevator himself.

Castle quickly moved from the elevator to his door, not really surprised when Esposito opened it immediately. His eyes searching for Alexis and seeing her moments before she raced into his arms. He just held her tightly, not wanting to let her go. Finally, having to move, he pulled back and noticed the others in the loft. Martha was there and pulled him into a hug.

They all sat around in silence for a while thinking about their lost friend. Ryan finally broke the silence when he began reminiscing about one of their first cases. Soon, almost all of them were all telling stories about Kate Beckett. Everyone except for the storyteller himself, Richard Castle.

x-x-x-x

Castle woke up Tuesday morning with an unsettled feeling. Once he peeked in on Alexis and saw that she was fine, he brushed off the feeling as just having nightmares that he could no longer remember. He walked into the precinct carrying his usual two cups of coffee. He set one coffee on Beckett's desk before he looked around and noticed that other than Montgomery talking to a blonde woman in his office, no one was there. He went to check the break room when Captain Montgomery came up behind him.

"Castle, what are you doing here today?"

"Came to work. Where is everyone? At a scene?"

"No, they aren't at a scene," he said sadly finally understanding that Castle must have blocked out yesterday.

"Where are they?" he asked, once again with that unsettled feeling.

"Ryan and Esposito are at home. You should be too."

"What about Beckett?" he asked, suddenly remembering his nightmare in vivid detail.

"She's gone," he said bluntly.

"No, Captain that was just a nightmare," Castle said, as if he believed it enough it would be true.

"I'm sorry. It wasn't. Beckett is dead," Montgomery said again.

"No, she can't be," he whispered.

"Sit down, Castle. I'll be right back."

Castle fell into the closest chair but jumped up once he realized it was her chair. He sat in his chair and stared into nothingness. He paid no attention to Montgomery walking into his office, saying a few words to the woman there then returning carrying a flask.

"It wasn't a dream?" Castle asked as he took a drink from the flask, uncaring that it was barely 9 AM.

"Wish to God it was a dream. I'll get a uniform to drive you home. You need to be with your family." Castle just nodded and took another drink before handing the flask back.

Captain Montgomery walked back to his office and after setting down the flask, he looked at the woman sitting across from his desk.

"This is going to be a tough week."

x-x-x-x

Wednesday dawned cold and dreary, the same way that Castle felt. He didn't want to do anything but he knew that he had to go to the funeral. He hadn't even remembered what day it was until Alexis had come in and reminded him. He knew that he needed to try to pull himself together, if for no other reason than it wasn't fair to Alexis. Finally, he pulled himself out of bed and headed to the shower.

Castle dressed in one of his black suits with a plain white shirt and black tie. He wasn't about to wear something bright and colorful even though he knew that Kate liked lot of colors. He barely spoke when they got to the funeral home, he simply sat where he was told to sit just behind the family. He sat beside his mother and didn't realize that Alexis had slipped away.

"Captain," Alexis began.

"What can I do for you, Alexis?"

"Can you talk to Dad?"

"How's he doing?"

"Not good. He picks at his food, wanders around the loft all hours, he isn't writing. But what scares me the most is that he's barely even speaking."

"Has he cried?" Montgomery asked.

"No. I know Dad won't me happy that I am talking about him crying and stuff but he hasn't and I think he needs to."

"You're right. I'll see if I can talk to him."

"Thank you, sir," she said as they headed back to their seats.

"Castle," Montgomery said. "Can I speak with you for a moment?"

At first, he just looked at Alexis and she could tell that he didn't want to talk to anyone he just wanted to sit there lost in thought. She knew that while that is what he wanted, it wasn't what he needed right then.

"Go ahead, Dad," she said as she lightly rubbed his back. "We'll be right here."

They walked to the side of the room before the captain spoke, "How are you doing Castle?"

He just shrugged, not sure what to say. He knew the expected thing was to just say he was fine but Castle knew that he wasn't and he knew that the Captain would know that also.

"Alexis is worried about you. She says you aren't writing." Montgomery thought that would be the best thing to mention. He didn't want to upset his friend or make him upset with his daughter.

"I can't."

"You can't write Nikki Heat?"

"No. Not now."

"Then write about Kate Beckett instead," he said as he met Castle's eyes. He broke the gaze when he saw just how much pain was in the blue eyes that usually were full of laughter. "Looks like they are going to get started in a few, there's Jim Beckett."

They went to their seats and Castle watched the elder Beckett as the funeral director walked to the front of the crowd. Castle didn't pay too much attention to the typical platitudes that were spoken until Jim Beckett stood up and started talking about his daughter.

"Most of you knew my Katie as a police officer, a detective. Her quest for justice didn't start when she put on the badge though. When she was in first grade a classmate was being bullied and my Katie put a stop to it. Of course, it started out with her punching bully in the nose and getting kicked out of school," he smiled with the memory. "Her mother and I finally got her to explain what happened and we stood behind her as she took care of the problem herself. She was always stubbornly independent. Not only did she get a great friend in the little girl, Courtney, but also we all learned to not mess with little Katie Beckett," he paused to control his emotions a bit.

"My Katie never backed away from a challenge, from defending a class mate to putting the scum of New York behind bars. Once she set her mind to something she would follow through. After her mom died, she decided she wanted to be a cop. I didn't want her to, I was afraid that she would be hurt, but nothing would change her mind. She insisted that if she didn't have the closure that she needed, then the least that she could do was to make sure that others had that closure. That takes a special person to do that," he ended in a whisper, trying to control his voice. He turned and walked back to his seat, unable to speak any more.

More people stood up to speak and Castle was glad that no one had asked him to speak, he knew that he wouldn't be able to. He was lost in thought as soon as her father sat down. He was a writer and he needed to write and now he knew what to write. Hearing the story of Kate as a child, Castle knew that he could write about her, Kate Beckett, not the pale imitation of Nikki Heat. He knew that he would never publish what ever he wrote about her, Kate was too private for that but he would at least do it for himself.

Soon people were standing up and leaving, to offer condolences to Jim Beckett. Castle told Alexis and his mother to go ahead and he waited until nearly everyone was gone before he finally stood to do the same. He waited for a moment as one final guest spoke to Kate's father. The guest turned around and recognizing Castle he greeted him.

"Rick, it's been too long."

"It has, Cal," he said as he shook hands with the older gentleman. "Good to see you again."

"I just wish the circumstances were different, Rick."

"Me too."

"Jim, have you met Rick Castle?"

"Not yet," Jim said as he turned to shake Rick's hand. "Katie told me a lot about you."

"I am so sorry for your loss. If there is anything that I can do, please let me know." The older man nodded not sure what to say when Cal interrupted them.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Jim but I need to run. Call me if you need anything," he clasped his hand on Jim's shoulder.

"I will, thanks Cal."

"See you later Rick," Cal spoke before leaving. "Tell Martha hello for me and I look forward to talking to her about her school."

"So how do you know Cal?" Jim asked.

"I don't remember, he was a friend of Mother's. I've always known him," Castle said.

"So has Katie. I met him through my in-laws shortly after Johanna and I were married. He really helped out her career. And he was a great friend to Katie and I after Johanna died."

"I would like to talk to you sometime about Kate. I only knew the cop and I would like to hear more stories about her, if you could share some."

"I would like that but not right now. I am leaving tomorrow to go upstate to a friend's cabin. I'll be there for a couple of weeks or so."

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked knowing how stupid the question was as soon as it was asked.

"I'm not going to go drinking if that's what you are asking. Kate worked for five years to finally get me sober. I'm not going to ruin that now. I'll be at my sponsor's cabin, I just need to be away from the city and have time to think."

"I'm sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through. Seriously, if you need anything, call me, anytime."

"Thank you Rick. I appreciate that. And I know that Kate would too."

Castle left the older man standing alone looking at the photos of his daughter that were scattered around the room. He walked outside and not really thinking about it, he walked directly up to Captain Montgomery.

"Captain, I want to have the files for Johanna Beckett's case," he said seriously.

"No," he said simply.

"But Captain. I need to do something."

"You don't need to get yourself killed which it what might happen if you mess with the case. Kate was looking into it and look where we are. Do you want to do that to your mother? Your daughter?"

"But, sir," he pleaded.

"No buts Castle. It's too dangerous and you know it. Stay away from it."

"Okay," he suddenly acquiesced surprising Montgomery. Castle looked around and found Lanie talking to Esposito and Ryan. "See you later, Captain."

Montgomery watched as Castle walked over to Lanie. They weren't subtle as they looked over at him while they talked. The captain cursed, pulled out his phone and made a quick call before he joined his team.

"How about we go out and get dinner?"

"I don't know, sir," Ryan said.

"On me. We'll go to Beckett's favorite Chinese place."

They all looked at each other and agreed. Soon Ryan and Jenny, Esposito and Lanie, the Captain and his wife, and Castle were having dinner and reminiscing about some of cases that they had worked together and some of the things that they had done with Kate outside of the precinct. Again Castle was quiet but he was listening more this time, if for no other reason than to get more ideas for what he was planning on writing.

"I was surprised to see Cal Long there today," Ryan stated.

"Me too," mentioned Esposito. "I didn't know her family moved in those circles."

"Cal's a great guy," Castle said.

"How do you know him, Rick?" asked Diana Montgomery.

"My mother has known him for years. He loves Broadway and he has been an angel for several of her plays."

"An angel?" asked Esposito.

"A financial backer. Several of Mother's shows wouldn't have ever opened if it weren't for him."

They went on to talk about some of the plays and musicals that they had all seen. Lanie brought up some of the ones that she had seen with Kate.

"We saw 'Catch Me if You Can' two weeks ago," Lanie mentioned.

"I thought you said she got those tickets for Josh," Ryan commented.

"What about Kate's boyfriend?" Jenny suddenly asked. "Did anyone call him?"

"They split up a couple of weeks ago," Lanie said as they all looked shocked for not even having thought of him before. "He went to Haiti a couple of days after all that craziness with the bomb."

"Why didn't she say anything?" Castle asked.

"I don't know. I figured she was going to when she wanted to."

Castle was again lost in thought, why didn't she tell him that she had ended it with Josh? He knew that she might be a bit embarrassed for breaking it off so soon after he decided to stay and her making such a big deal about how his staying meant that they had a chance. But still he thought she would have told him. They had shared so much and were such good friends, at least he thought so.

"Remember your spy games case?" Lanie said amused pulling Castle out of his thoughts.

"You were so sure it was the CIA," Ryan said with a grin.

"Well, it did look like it," Castle said with a small smile.

"Yeah."

"I didn't think you were going to come back after that one," Esposito said.

"I didn't either," he said quietly thinking about her being with Demming.

"Do you know she broke up with Demming before you left?" Lanie asked.

"No, it was some time over the summer." He looked around the table and saw all the faces looking at him sadly. "Why didn't she tell me?"

"She tried to, bro," Esposito said gently.

"When?"

"Just before you left," Ryan said.

"With Gina," Esposito added. They all watched as the realization crashed down on him. He didn't speak for several minutes when he finally stood up and spoke.

"I need to leave."

"Castle," Epsosito tried to say something, looking sideways at their captain.

"I'll call you tomorrow," he said as he walked out.

"I shouldn't have said anything," Esposito said.

"No, he needed to hear it," Montgomery said.

"I'll go keep an eye on him. I'll call you later, Lanie," Esposito said as he grabbed his jacket and went to follow his heart broken friend.

Esposito followed Castle to his apartment on foot the entire way. Esposito called Alexis to let her know what had happened so when her Dad got home she promised to keep an eye on him and not let him out of her sight. He came in and nearly fell on the couch his eyes still dry. Alexis had been sure that he would be in tears after the funeral but he wasn't. Maybe it just hurt him too much for him to be able to process it all so far. She just wished that she could do something for him to make him start the healing process.

Thursday morning, Richard Castle woke up with a sore back and a new determination to solve the two cases. The sore back was from sleeping on the couch and the determination was from knowing that he could no longer stand aside and do nothing. He called Ryan and asked him to get Lanie and Esposito and meet them at Kate's apartment.

They met there but Castle hadn't told anyone why he really wanted to be there. They just thought that he wanted to be closer to Kate, they were surprised when he walked in and went straight for a set of shutters and opened them.

"It's gone," he exclaimed. "Where is it?"

"Where is what?" Lanie asked.

"Her murder board. When we were working her mom's case she showed me all these notes here," he tried to explain as he started searching drawers and papers on her desk.

"Castle, we should leave," Ryan said.

"Not until I find those papers," he insisted as he continued to look around.

"Think about it Castle. Someone killed Beckett because she was too close to finding out something. If they knew that they may have known about her papers here."

"No, she never even told Josh."

"Regardless, Castle, if we are seen here we could be in danger," Ryan said.

"I can't just do nothing. I owe her that."

"Montgomery said he told you to write about Kate not Nikki," Lanie said suddenly. Castle nodded and she handed him a stack of books. "Here take these. If you are going to write about Kate, then you need photos."

He looked down to his hands and saw several photo albums, some obviously old and smoke damaged. He still wanted to find the papers but he knew that Lanie and the boys wouldn't let him search any more. He would just have to come back some other time without them. Momentarily defeated, he left the apartment with the books tucked into his jacket close to his heart.

Castle went home and absently fixed himself something for lunch but after he ate it he had already forgotten what it was. He sat at his desk in his office and tried to remember everything that he could about Johanna Beckett's case, taking notes on his laptop as he went.

"What are you doing, Richard?" Martha asked as she came home later that afternoon. "You have that 'pondering a mystery' look on your face."

"Writing," he responded absently.

"That's wonderful, kiddo," she smiled at her son. "Writing Nikki Heat?"

"No, I'm writing about Kate."

"Richard," she said her face full of fear as she sat down on the couch. "Please don't get involved in her case. Please," she begged him.

"Mother?" he asked as he finally looked up at her, seeing her face, he stood and walked over to the couch to sit beside her.

"Jim Beckett has gone into seclusion because he can't deal with the grief of losing his daughter. Please don't do the same to Alexis and I. We wouldn't be able to bear it if we lost you, son."

"Mom, I can't look into the case anyway," he said defeated. "The captain wont let any of us into any of it. Lanie took us over to Kate's apartment this morning and I was going to get all the notes she had from her mom's case. Everything was gone."

"Maybe that's for the best," she said causing him to look at her with a hurt expression. "I can't lose you, son. Going to the Hampton's with out you last month about killed Alexis and I. She cried the entire way. We didn't think we would see you again. Please, son, I beg you. Leave her case alone."

"I need to do something, Mom."

"Write about Kate as a kid then. How she became the woman she was just don't do anything about her death or her moms."

"Her mom's death is a huge part of who she was though."

"You can write about it but please just don't try to solve it."

Castle hated to do it but he agreed with her. He had to think about Alexis first and foremost.

"What are these, Richard?"

"Kate's photo albums. Lanie gave them to me."

"Have you looked at them yet?"

"No."

Martha pulled one album to her lap and leaning close to her son, she opened it and they looked at baby pictures. They were meticulously captioned and dated, often with little stories beside them. Soon they got to a picture of little Katie at a family friends wedding. She was the flower girl. Katie was looking up at the bride with a big smile. The caption said that she couldn't wait until she was the one who got to wear the big white dress. Rick lightly touched the photo but wouldn't turn the page.

"Richard?" Martha asked quietly.

"She told me she was a one and done kind of girl and she never found him."

"I think she did," Martha said after pausing a moment then lightly touching his hand.

"I loved her, Mom," his voice breaking as he finally admitted out loud for the first time.

"I know, son," Martha said as she gathered him in her arms.

"What am I going to do without her?" he finally released his tears.

She didn't know what to say but just held him. She never tried to get him to stop crying or hush him, she just held him tight letting him know that she is there for him. At some point, Alexis came home from her friend's house. She saw that he was finally crying and she just dropped her things and wrapped her arms around him also.