SCENE I THE HEATH

Enter EDD and EDDY

EDD
I honestly don't know. I wandered upon this suitcase sitting in the middle of the road. When I tried to open it, it refused to budge. Though, I must confess, it looks very familiar.

EDDY
Did you get a good feel for what was inside?

EDD
Not I, dear sir. Though, from what I could tell it was packed full.

EDDY
Cash! I knew it! That's the only reason anyone would put anything in a suitcase!

EDD
I hardly agree with your assessment; money isn't simply thrown into the open. Even as much as I would hope for that though, I believe it will be something more benign. After all, as I recall, when we found your brother's suitcase it was filled with sponges.

EDDY
Well, we better crack it open before all the other pigeons get to it. Did you hide it away?

EDD
I did no such thing.

EDDY
WHY! Someone might have made away with it!

EDD
Then they can live with their guilt. If someone intentionally put it there, I wouldn't won't to cause them any more misery by dislocating it.

EDDY
Must get my money!

EDDY runs off stage right

EDD
Oh how I curse his greed! Why must I be the light of honesty among the barren seas of lies and deceit? What what I wouldn't give to know. Defiling people by our design is one thing, but vandalism? I feel so ashamed to know I am allowing him to do it. I best make sure he doesn't do anything foolish.

Exits stage right, Enter JIMMY left

JIMMY
Do my ears deceive me? There is some mischief afoot! Those Eds are ruining the peace again! I wish I had some muscles and I'd give em' a lump or two to learn em'. Never a moment's silence! Though I can do one better! I have the mob with me! [Calling Within] Sarah!

Exits stage left

SCENE II Cul-De-Sac

Black suitcase lies in center, enter ED, EDD, AND EDDY

ED
Oh Look! A whatchamacallit!

EDDY
A suitcase, lummox.

ED
Why thank you!

EDDY
Idiot. [To EDD] Any ideas on how to open it, Double-D?

EDD
I've thought it over and decided you can count me out of this one.

EDDY
And why's that?

EDD
I've realized whenever we try to do something that goes against my conscience, it usually ends up bad.

EDDY
Then maybe your conscience needs to decide whose friends he would like to be.

EDD
That's low Eddy. Even for you.

ED
Kids!

EDDY
What?

Enter KEVIN, ROLF, NAZZ, SARAH, JIMMY, and JOHNNY

JIMMY
See! See! I knew they were up to no good!

KEVIN
Pipe down, shrimpy, while we see what's going on.

JOHNNY
Cool box guys! Did you steal it?

EDDY
(sarcastically) Wow! I never knew someone who asked so many awkward questions!

EDD
If you'll allow me to explain. I found this box where it is now. They are trying to figure out how to open it. I'm not apart of this.

JIMMY
I knew it! They're trying to steal someone else's stuff to pawn it so they can buy Jaw-Breakers!

EDDY
Nu-uh! We were...trying to see if we could find who owns it. Yeah that's it. And...uh...there's no tag! So, uh...we're trying to find some sort of adress or something.

SARAH
Oh give me a break! We all know what you guys want! We want in on it too.

ALL
Yeah!

NAZZ
Like, there might be something in there we could all use.

KEVIN
So hand over the suitcase before I pound ya'!

EDDY
Run, Ed!

ED
We are goners, Eddy!

EDD
Hold on people! Before you go gallivanting around in a mad chase that will destroy half the neighborhood, let me appeal to your logic. If this belonged to any of you, would you want anyone to open it? Like you, Sarah, if it contained you doll, would you want someone throwing it in the dirt? Or you, Kevin, if it were one of your "magazines" would you want someone folding the corners?

KEVIN
What? I don't have own any of those!

NAZZ
Oh my gosh! Kevin! You look at playboys don't you!

KEVIN
No baby! I swear!

NAZZ
I can't believe I even let your touch me! Ew!

ROLF
Who is this boy who does the playing? Is it soccer?

KEVIN
I'm telling ya, I don't know what he's talking about!

EDDY
[Aside] In this confusion I'll slip away with the goods!

Picks up suitcase and tip toes with ED off stage left as conversation continues

JIMMY
Kevin, that is so...GROSS!

ROLF
Rolf does not understand your harsh disdain for the remedial hurly-burly of recreational past-times.

SARAH
Shut up Rolf!

EDD
People please! There's no need for this! We can resolve this a better way!

JOHNNY
Hey, uh...guys. I think they've made off with the loot!

ALL
What!

KEVIN
They ditched us! Wait till' I get a hold of em'!

ROLF
Ho-ho! Rolf has no doubt that Kevin will make short work of the Ed-boys. His biceps are that of an ox in the midst of spring.

JOHNNY
Let's kill em' all!

Mob storms off stage left, except EDD

EDD
I knew this would happen! I knew he would try to pull a fast one. I promised myself I would look after him closely but I was too caught up in that drama. No matter! Perhaps I can prevent anymore damage than previously prescribed.

SCENE III THE TREE HOUSE

ED fiddles with suitcase as EDDY nervously looks out the window

EDDY
Hurry up, Ed! The kids will find us any moment!

EDD
Didn't hear a word ya just said Eddy! For I am trying to break the code!

EDDY
Code? What code? There is no code! It's a padlock!

EDD
What?

EDDY
Move aside!

Violently bangs on the suitcase several times, then throws against the wall.

EDDY
Why won't this thing open! I wish Double D was here!

Enter EDD right

That was fast!

EDD
Just what do you think you're doing? There's a lynch mob out there hunting for your heads!

EDDY
Don't care! Must know what's inside!

EDD
Eddy, I beg you, I beseech you! Stop this before we are all beaten to a bloody pulp!

Voices from within

ED
Uh-oh, I think we're surrounded.

KEVIN
Within Come down! It'll be easier on ya'!

ROLF
Within The time of suffering has not yet begun!

EDD
Eddy, there's no hope! We can't open the suitcase! Just give it to them!

EDDY
Neva'!

Suitcase pops open

EDD
Huh...that's odd.

EDDY
At last! Gold, riches, power!

ED
A lifetime supply of cheese!

EDDY looks inside suitcase. Gazes for a moment, then begins screaming in horror. Reels back in terror while still screaming.

EDD
What's wrong Ed-gazes into suitcase and does likewise.

ED
A party? Looks and joins all three in screaming.

EDD
I knew that suitcase looked familiar!

EDDY
I'm blind!

ED
Icky! Bad! Evil!

Enter mob right

KEVIN
Alright dorks, hand it over!

EDS
Run for it! Run off stage right

Each person gazes into the suitcase and all exclaim in terror and quickly exit off stage, shouting vile comments of disgust until all are gone leaving the suitcase on the floor still open. Then, enter KANKERS left.

LEE
There it is! I knew we would find our beach trip photo album!

MAY
How did it wind up here?

MARIE
Who cares! I'm just glad I got it back. I want to remember how sexy I look in a bikini!

LEE
You're such an attention whore Marie.

MARIE
Am not!

Continue to argue indiscriminately, exit right. End scene.