"I'm not scared of many things but my biggest fear is my mind." –Elliot Nixon
"I'm a fucking monster." The words were no more than a broken whisper. Taking the blade to his wrist, Eren slid the edge across the skin and felt warm liquid trickle down his arm.
A FEW MONTHS EARLIER
Eren watched his comrads fall left and right, bodies dropping in the snow, staining everything red. His feet wouldn't move, no matter how hard he wanted them to. His eyes were wide with horror and there was a sick churning in his stomach. Why couldn't he transform? What kind of hell is this? He could hear snow crunching under boots and bloodcurdling screams filled the foggy air. He lifted his hand to his mouth and sank his teeth into the skin, over and over, until the ground around him was crimson and blood was all he could taste.
With no more strength left in his body, Eren sunk to the ground. Icy wind slapped at his face and the blood-tainted snow soaked through his pants; he was too numb to feel any of this. If it weren't for the warm hand grasping onto his shoulder, he was sure he would've fallen into some sort of abyss. Eren tried to focus on the sound of his captain's voice, screaming out his name, but he was already gone. His mind was nowhere to be found at the moment.
Levi wrapped his arms around the crumpled boy and hoisted him up on the horse. He tucked Eren into his chest as they rode off, the grotesque scene fading behind them. Those dull and lifeless green eyes, pale skin smeared with blood, and the unforgettable expression on the boy's face kept haunting Levi. He wanted the thoughts out of his mind, but they wouldn't budge, flashing over and over until Levi felt nauseous. He tightened his grip on Eren.
Once arriving at the castle, Levi dismounted the horse, Eren in his arms, and headed straight for his room. He started a warm bath and pulled off the boy's clothes and then his own. He tossed the red stained garments into a corner basket. Levi picked Eren back up and stepped into the steaming water, hissing at the burning sensation against his frozen skin. He grabbed his bar of soap and scrubbed the blood from Eren's body.
After Levi was sure they were both clean and Eren was thawed out, he took him to his bed. Levi pulled the boy against him and placed his chin on top of wet, chocolate brown hair. "Eren, come back to me." He whispered softly into Eren's ear and cupped the younger one's cheek. He brought Eren's face in front of his own, pulling him until they were mere inches apart. He searched for some sort of consciousness, some sort of life, hidden in those big green eyes. "Eren, please." Levi felt a lump form in his throat.
"...monster... useless... why... do I.. exist..."
Levi's heart fluttered. "Eren, it's okay. I'm here. You're safe now." He held onto the boy as if his life depended on it and drifted to sleep.
He heard the crunch and warm liquid gushed against his tongue. He looked down at his large hand and saw half of his mother's limp body, he could taste her blood, it was filling his mouth...
Eren screamed and shot up right in the bed. Hair stuck to his forehead and sweat poured down his back and chest. He clenched his stomach and covered his mouth with his hand, trying to hold back another scream. He whimpered quietly as the images slowly faded from his mind. He sagged back down to the bed. Arms wrapped around his waist made him glance down.
Black head of hair was snuggled into his side. Eren's eyes widened at the realization. Captain Levi was curled up in bed, next to him... naked. Before Eren could question it, he slid out from the man's arms and stood up from the bed. He wrapped a towel around his waist after ten minutes of searching for something to put on. Then he went on a hunt for clean clothes.
Levi opened his eyes and glanced out the window. It was still pitch black outside. He crawled out of bed and put on his uniform. As he stripped his sheets and gathered dirty clothes, he couldn't help but wonder if Eren was okay. Once the clothes were washed and hung to dry, Levi went on a search for the boy.
Eren felt the cold nip at his face. He breathed in the crisp air and exhaled, watching white puffs form around his face. He looked up to the dark sky and let a tear roll down his cheek. Eren leaned until his back pressed against the tree behind him. He slid his body down to the ground and pushed his knees up into his chest. He let his face fall into his hands and let out all the screams he had bottled up, praying it would silence the little voice in the back of his mind, the little voice that was steadily growing louder and louder.
At the sound of Eren's scream, Levi took off running. He slowed his pace when Eren came into his vision. He stopped, breathing heavily, and took in the sight in front of him. Eren was huddled up under a willow tree. The moon lit up the snow around the boy, washing everything in a silver glow. The white icy limbs of the tree seemed to be flowing down towards Eren, like a frozen waterfall surrounding him. Eren's tears glittered like diamonds as they cascaded down to the ground. Levi walked over and crouched down next to him.
"Eren. What can I say to make things better?"
Eren looked up into a stern, yet worried, face. He could see Levi's breath in the air, mixing with his own. Blue eyes were piercing him. What words would make him feel better? Eren squeezed his eyes shut and whispered, "Captain, I need you to lie to me. I'm sick of the truth. The truth is always ugly and unbearable." He opened his eyes in shock at the feeling of warm hands cupping his face.
"You want a lie? Okay... Eren, I don't love you. You most definitely are not my everything."
Eren froze as the words sunk in. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears. "If... If that's a lie... then tell me the truth..." He wouldn't believe it until he heard the three words. There's no way his captain could...
"I love you, Eren."
Eren saw a glimmer in Levi's eyes, right before warm lips melted into his own. His heartbeat was thunderous. The hands on his cheeks slid down to his knees, spreading them, so Levi could get closer. Eren's eyes fluttered shut as he surrendered himself to the man stealing his heart. He wrapped his arms around Levi's neck and took all the warmth that hot mouth had to offer. The warmth spread through his body, all the way to his toes. Surely the snow was melting around them. His mind was no longer engulfed in his dark thoughts, but instead, on the man infront of him.
Levi felt icy fingers caress the back of his neck and tangle into his hair. He continued running his hands over Eren's chest and hips as his tongue explored every crevice of the boy's mouth. He pressed Eren firmly against the tree and angled his head, deepening the kiss.
At the pale light shining on them, Levi stopped their kiss. He stood up, feeling light headed. He reached his hand out and inwardly smiled as Eren's hand wrapped around his.
Eren let Levi pull him up and the threw his arms around the shorter one's waist. "Oh yea, Captain, I... I love you too." Eren felt the heat rush to his cheeks and leaned down, hiding his face in the crook of Levi's neck. The heat spread to his ears when he heard a deep chuckle in his ear.
Once his beating heart calmed some, his mind returned to his dark, horrid thoughts. He shook his head slightly and pushed his face deeper into the hollow of Levi's neck, brushing his nose against the skin. Eren bawled his hands into fists when they began to tremble.
"Hey brat, what's wrong?" He felt Levi try to pry him away to look into his face. Eren was afraid of what his face might show, so he pressed harder into the man.
"I'm afraid."
"Of what?"
"My mind..."
Levi's blood ran cold. Ice water washed over his body. He knew all too well what that meant. He too, had once been afraid of his own mind, but he ended up stopping it with alcohol. Eren, however, is much more fragile. Levi squeezed the boy in his arms. "I'll do whatever it takes to help."
Eren couldn't help the thought that ran through his mind. It might be too late to help me... I'm sorry, Levi.
